I'm gonna be super frank in this post, please go easy on me because I have a lot of shit to unravel and know I've made mistakes but desperately want to be better. I've been procrastinating about going to therapy because opening up to someone in person is daunting but I think it's probably something I need to do at some point.

I have a terrible, abusive father and never experienced that unconditional love from a man growing up. I didn't really feel this void until I was assaulted at 12 and entered puberty with this issue manifesting in unhealthy ways such as speaking to older men online. I shied away from boys my age and was a late bloomer, first getting with a guy at 18 who was a male friend who I slept with for a few months. My next move after this was the culmination of the two thought processes of 'I am attracted to older men and seek the validation from a father figure that I have never experienced' and 'If I'm going to be having sex with someone I want to have something to show for it after its said and done', which led me to becoming a sugar baby with LT relationships with 3 older men in their late forties to fifties for the next 4 years until last summer. I have never had a proper, healthy relationship and have minimal normal dating experiences compared to the years spent with guys decades older than me.

I had a stark realization around that time that this unconditional paternal love I'd been seeking from older men was a complete pipe dream. I would never feel this pure fatherly love from men who primarily wanted to have sex with me and saw my youth as a prize.

However, despite this my attraction to older men remains and I HATE it. When I'm swiping online, I can't help but be more attracted to the guys in the 40's to 50 range than early to mid twenties guys my age. But at the same time, men who date women my age creep me out. So it's tough to reconcile. I'm also aware that watching 'older men younger women' porn since I was 13/14 has 100% skewed my image and reprogramming this will take conscious work and its shown me how damaging porn can be.

Has anyone else experienced a dysfunctional attraction due to childhood experiences? How do I refix my preferences to something more healthy?

Thanks for reading and for making FDS what it is, it's been an invaluable source for me.

Tl:dr I have daddy issues and its fucking up my dating. Help!