How to explain to date he violated my boundaries?

spikcicle · 2020-07-08T01:31:47+00:00

Girl girl girl.

You don't need to explain to this guy that he's overstepping your boundaries or that it's not working. Because he knows. I promise, he knows. He just doesn't care.

He senses that you're the type to back down to someone being assertive, so he is literally trying to strong-arm you into a very serious relationship. He thinks if he just keeps beating down your door or hammer-texting you or repeating the word "we", then one day you will just cave. And I feel like it's kind of working. Because your boundary is "Schedule our calls" instead of "Literally don't call me."

Was it a good idea to go stay at his place for a long weekend and get drunk together despite knowing you're a lightweight? Well, I think you know the answer to that. First off, at the least, he sexually harassed you and I feel like you're under-reacting (yup I'd call it that and yup that guy would never hear from me ever again). Immediately ghost. Stop feeling bad for ghosting men anyway, they clearly don't feel bad about harassing you over the phone or humping you non-consensually or really anything for that matter.

However, even if nothing had happened over night, you definitely muddied the waters for all future interactions with him because you showed that your boundaries are not that strong. You showed that a) a guy doesn't have to do much (not even a date!) to get you in his house, drunk b) you pick up his phone calls and entertain his texts, even when he is inconsiderate of your time c) your attempts at setting boundaries thus far have been feeble. The more you try to explain, the more he will pretend to play by your rules while continuously pushing up against your boundaries til you cave. So stop explaining. Because you shouldn't have to explain to someone how to be a respectful person. Ghost him.

Literally the only thing to do is to ghost this mf and never let such a loser waste your time again. Don't fall for the ego stroke of him supposedly wanting a relationship. Men lie. Men can be desperately insecure and clingy. These are probably the most common reasons for someone to say that on the first date, most normal well-adjusted people don't do this.

Lots of people can tell you sassy things to say to him, but seriously, you've shown all your cards, and you just gotta stop talking to him period. No explanations, nothing. People around here always say you have to set boundaries early, and because you failed to do that with this guy, you're not likely to be successful now. So ghost him. He assaulted you, jesus. Why are you talking to him. Don't block him on the chance he goes insane and you need evidence or something, just put him on do not disturb, and pretend he doesn't exist. Don't let it rattle you or interfere with your life at all. Seriously I challenge you to not even look at his messages or your missed call log for a whole week. (If this scares you, think about why you're emotionally attached to this shit hand-grenade of a human.)

In the future, you should set boundaries quickly and firmly with these kinds of people, right off the bat. You have to have a strong internal sense of "wtf" and defend it to the death. If someone starts saying "we" or "kids" or "our future" on the first date (christ), you can just be like "What? That's so weird that you would say that when I don't even know you." and give him this stinky look like he's being a huge stinky weirdo. Because he is. You're clearly unnerved by the fact that he's saying these things, it's ok to stop him in his tracks. Or at least show him where the line is. "I'm theoretically open to marriage, but I need time to get to know people, and you need to slow down." Makes it clear that you're not desperate and that he needs to play by your rules. If he gets pissy or rude, then that's him trying to get you to bend a very reasonable boundary (a red flag), and you need to WALK, not appease him or soften your stance.

Astarrynight2020 · 2020-07-11T04:42:49+00:00

THANK YOU. I just wish my post was approved not 10 days after I originally posted but anyway update I silenced his notifications a week ago and ghosted since. I needed to hear all this though — ESP with boundary setting, something I desperately need to work on. Thank you, thank you for the thoughtful reply!

Comments