How to spot a player while dating

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-01-20T08:50:13+00:00

I don't really know how to answer this for specifically online dating.

Serial cheaters will often talk about all the women they know during even the first few dates. They talk a lot about women friends, being on good terms with their exes, and regularly talk about all the plans they have with other women. One dude straight up bragged to me about being on such great terms with his last gf and he was meeting up with her after our date and blah blah blah. He showed me photos of him and her doing some sport, and photos of him camping with another woman, and his instagram was spackled with images of him and women. I was dumbfounded, and I was just seeing what was out there after my relationship ending so I didn't give a shit about him, so I said:

"Oh? I don't believe in being friends with exes," and he literally sputtered and tried to backtrack and said it wasn't all that often they hung out, etc etc.

This same behaviour I witnessed in my last two, cheating exes.

Guys with real game? I have no idea. Still learning that one.

MMA_23 · 2020-01-21T01:41:44+00:00

Men are getting more and more crafty. In my last relationship (if you'd call it that) my joke of a boyfriend told me I was the love of his life and wanted to have kids with me and the whole nine yards. While I was overseas I found out he was still technically living with his ex fiancé. The grub never said it, but the pics he'd send from his couch sure as shit gave him away. Looking back, he probably just wanted a new chick lined up before he ditched his ex. He probably needed a new mother type in his life because the thought of paying his own rent and looking after his own house by himself was scary (cry me a fucking river). When I found out he was committing fraud at work by having her down as his defacto partner (more benefits, more pay if you have a recognised spouse) I pulled the plug. I feel disgusted for her and in myself for falling for the love bombing. If I ever find out who she is, I will go and see her myself and give her a big hug. Even after they broke up, he was still seeing her for haircuts. If my story doesn't tell you that some men are fucking pathetic children who can't look after themselves then I don't know what will.

Anyway, I digress.

You MUST have boundaries. It is one thing to have them but it is another thing to maintain them - that is where the hard work comes in because you need to constantly reinforce the rules you've laid out. Take inventory on how you want to be treated and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE accept less.

This slob I just described seemed real wholesome at the start and I fucked up when I accepted his excuses too many times.

However, from my experience, a few general red flags are:

• Love bombing. If the relationship is rushed you can bet he's looking to manipulate you. Men will play with your emotions and get to sleep at night just fine because they think they did no wrong because they are getting/about to get what they need and they think you're content with just hearing sweet nothings.

• Over-explanation. I can be forthright about every aspect of my life because I have nothing to hide. Don't accept excuses. "I just got fired but I knew it was coming because my manager had it out for me, I'm really working on myself and my creative pursuits right now so I'm not too worried about it" should translate to you as "I can't take responsibility for myself so I am going to see if I can find any other way to get through life at minimum effort".

• DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR SNAPCHAT. I don't care if he says he's not going to send dick pics, often men will set the conditions for doing so later by sending you non-offensive snaps at first. That or they are grooming you to "send nudes" down the track. Predatory men are patient and will wait weeks and months sometimes before their bullshit pays off.

• General inconsistency. We know what it's like to get a text from that special person. You want to reply immediately and you generally don't leave that person hanging for too long (i.e. over 24 hours)

• Shut down any appeals to your empathy. I recently had some dude tell me he was too shy to meet new women and felt more comfortable in his own home. I'm laughing as I write this. But boy - excuse me, you fucking WHAT?! I told him maybe he had anxiety and he should see someone about it. Then I blocked him. It seems ridiculous but after you've built a bit of rapport with someone, women will overlook blatantly manipulative appeals to our emotions and empathy.

And lastly - make him do the work and make him put his money where his mouth is. I accidentally stood up a seemingly HVM the other day and it's only made him chase more. He even asked me out again this week. They are out there. The fuck boys are just more exciting because they appeal to our naturally nurturing nature as women. Remember you're not his mum. He is an adult and is responsible for looking after himself INCLUDING his mental health. If he can't do that then he has no place in his life for you.

Girl, I hope this helps. I'm out at brunch and I'm on my phone so I feel like I just wrote a whole novel... So I apologise if there are any spelling mistakes or whatever.

Love to you x

Title	How to spot a player while dating
Author	MMA_23
Upvotes	15
Comments	5
Date	January 20, 2020 12:07 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/er4soh/how_to_spot_a_player_while_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-spot-a-player-while-dating.684479 https://theredarchive.com/post/684479

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