i was pining over this boy and how sweet he was to me (i’m f16, he’s m17) but now that i’m getting to know him better, i’m not really into him still.

we’ve been talking since december 2020, and have hung out extensively in groups, but we hung out a few times on our own a few weeks ago, and there were a lot of romantic-coded moments. he didn’t want gas money from me when he drove us around and i bought him coffee, which i thought was pretty equal, since i believed he had a lot less money due to the way he talked about his family’s money problems. i also borrowed him money at half price books he didn’t pay back, but i wrote it off as his family’s problems with money.

he never made a move beyond just holding me and taking my hand. i was kinda put off i guess? i thought the situation was a date and there were a lot of moments i thought he was gonna kiss me and just didn’t. then i saw his house.

i guess growing up he might have struggled, but holy shit. he lives in a literal mansion in the best part of town. like, super ritzy. he seemed so rebellious - we both liked the punk and riot girl scene - but it just turned out he’s some rich kid from white privileged-ville. i was more weirded out by how he talked about growing up lower middle class, same as me, but he just. didnt. his family has SERIOUS money. i felt weird now, spending part of my paycheck on stuff he obviously could afford… like i feel less generous, more just used.

this was a few weeks ago. the next day he checked himself back into inpatient mental health care without telling me anything (i was genuinely scared he’d hurt himself or smth) but it turns out he just didn’t find it necessary to tell me he was going off the grid.

finally, he gets back, starts posting memes again. some of them reference porn. hes posted porny memes before but i think the time away from him has cleared my head of dumb girl feelings. he’s not willing to talk to me for more than a few sentences and is just super hot and cold? hell be super dry and almost seem mad at me but then will throw in something affectionate and it’a just confusing.

in our group chat he comes out as a non-binary male. like a guy, but non-binary too. he is male assigned at birth. i cant help but remember how defensive he’s gotten in the past when i’ve talked about male privilege and how things will effect us differently, especially regarding assault and rape (which i am a survivor of). he claimed to listen to bikini kill and l7 but as soon as it’s coming to not deflecting any criticism of himself as a white male that benefits from misogyny and racism he just stops listening and keeps watching porn and joking about it. it really grosses me out. he made a bunch of jokes while talking to our other friends in a groupchat im also i’m about not getting women and only wanting to date ‘non binaries’ from now on. i’m just wondering like. when he’s been flirting with me and holding me and talking about how much he likes me? what did it actually mean? did he ask me on that date and talk about how i was the person he was closest to for nothing?

i’m generally starting to realize a lot more how awkward he is and how i put in more effort to be friends with him than he does. i wanted a relationship with him but he’s not the person i thought about in my head, and i’ve been being ‘cool girl’ for too long. this is just stupid.

if i’m gonna be with a guy, he needs to understand and sympathize with me and women as a class, and watching porn just negates that for me. hell, in my free time i run a fairly successful radical feminist blog. i just don’t know why it’s so hard to really apply it to my own real life with something that should be cut and dry. the more i type about him the more i realize he’s kind of a loser.