I have two good friends married to HVMs. One met their spouse in high school (but didn’t marry until grad school), the other met early in college (but didn’t marry until after grad school). HVMs get snapped up quick- women are no dummies! And once they get one, they keep him.

I’ve noticed these men exhibit similar great qualities:

  • They are very interested in supporting the women’s success. They listen to what their partners dreams and goals are and help in a way that their partner appreciates- whether giving targeted advice and support or knowing when to let them figure things out on their own vs when to lend a hand. They want to be as much help as their partner wants.
  • Which means, they genuinely listen to the woman and what she’s saying- they don’t objectify, put her on a pedestal, ignore/gaslight her; they treat her just as another human, with dignity and respect, as they would want to be treated.
  • These men have their own goals they are working on and are not dumping everything on to the woman.
  • These men are confident, friendly, and able to carry on conversations with just about anyone; however, in larger groups, especially with their guy friends, I’ve seen the HVMs don’t come across as needed to be seen as the ‘alpha’. HVM know what they bring to the table in any situation and don’t have the need for external validation. In fact, they seem content with sitting back and letting other guys look foolish showing off.
  • Even though these couples have been together for 10+ years, they’ve managed to grow up separately but together. Neither one tries to control or mold the other into something they wanted them to be. There is a good level of mutual understanding and trust with independence. The men are very comfortable with the women having their own friends and interests and the men have their own, too. However, both couples have at least 1 or 2 hobbies they do together (like volleyball league or gardening and home improvements)- activities they regularly work together as a team on.
  • These men may not be the most sophisticated, trendy, the best looking, the most muscular body or the most stylish, they don’t really care about driving fancy cars, etc but they do take care of themselves, keep themselves clean, and keep their belongings and their home clean. They are clearly RESPECTABLE, even if you just see them in the grocery store or running errands. They aren’t slobs but they aren’t eye-catching models either.
  • These men are extremely responsible with their money and investments, and at the same time, they aren’t stingy.
  • These men are well aware of what a nice date is, or what a sweet gesture is, and they make sure to treat their women to these generously and regularly- they enjoy doing special things for her, regardless of how long they’ve been together.
  • Just as in their relationships, these men commit to a career/company early on and then find ways to be successful within it. Even if they may work long hours from time to time they do not let their job take over their life. They have boundaries and their wife is their ultimate priority.
  • My friends know what they have and they are just as kind, loving, supportive, giving, and understanding to their husbands as their husbands are to them. Because their HVM makes it really easy to do so.

HVMs do not remain single for long. And because they are HVMs, it's their nature to remain in stable and committed to their partners and be in committed LTRs or marriages. The result of that is as you get to your mid-30s and beyond, the available HVM pool is going to be smaller and smaller. Not impossible, and perhaps a HVM got involved with a LVW and might be getting out of a divorce or relationship. You could consider keeping an eye out for former LVM who are honestly trying to level up- although those are probably as rare as the HVMs that are leaving bad relationships, they are out there (think of how many on here have mentioned being former pickmes and have changed).

Regardless, the best bet is to always bet on yourself first. When you make your single life so fulfilling and satisfying (that’s your work!) it is quite simple and easy to kick LVMs/NVMs to the curb and cut them out after a few dates, or even a few convos. A man needs to be really, really special and consistently treating you with respect, kindness, and thoughtfulness for him to be taking up time in your life. He needs to be up on your level for you to be willing to give up some of your attention and energy to him, otherwise you have better things to spend your time on (again, that’s your work to develop goals, hobbies, friendships, fulfilling work to continually involve yourself with). You also have to do the challenging work of building love and respect for yourself and your life as a woman and as a single person; this includes creating a strong and supportive relationship with your innermost thoughts and feelings, recognizing and dealing with ingrained biases fears and traumas, and identifying your real hopes and aspirations- the ones that come completely from you and not family, societal, and cultural expectations. It is not his job to make you feel good about yourself and to feel validated (he should be doing this, but that's not the point of him being in your life).

You have to discover how to be your best friend, your biggest admirer, most concerned caretaker and sweetest lover. You need to get to a place when you are thriving, and that could take some time. However, once you develop this kind of knowledge and life experience, you will find that your creativity, authenticity, positive expression and problem-solving capabilities will be on a very high level, as well as your ability to advocate for yourself and what you need. These are key elements to successfully navigate relationships, and life in general. When you get to this point and you’re ready to go out there and date around, any available HVM you may encounter will gravitate towards you and want to be around you, I assure you.