Basically, I want to know if this is even doable. I (22F) am dating a great guy (23M). We met six months ago and made it “boyfriend-girlfriend official” about two months ago.

Here’s my problem. I was the worst kind of pickmeisha (or maybe just emotionally avoidant) early on in the relationship. I had sex on the third date because I was worried he wouldn’t stay if I didn’t (which I know now was not the case ... he didn’t even want to have sex and kept asking me if I was sure, months later he said he would have preferred to wait).

I also talked a lot about how I typically only “do casual things,” I don’t like commitment, I don’t like labels BLAH BLAH BLAH. That may have been true for me at the time, but I have done so much soul-searching and personal growth over the past few months and realized that I DON’T like any of that shit. I want a serious, committed relationship.

I think this guy is a HVM — our dates, early on and even now, have been museums, fancy movie showings, fun dinners and drinks, whenever I would suggest just coming back to my place he would always counter with dinner first instead. Whenever I would say I didn’t want to talk about something emotional, he would be respectful but remind me that emotions are OK. He’s sweet, respectful, has a good job and is overall just a great guy.

But here’s my “but.” I worry that because I was so emotionally avoidant early on, he won’t know what to think if I shift gears. I’m talking, not responding to affection or affectionate texts, not wanting to be treated like a “girlfriend” in public (now I’m kicking myself thinking, what, you didn’t want to be treated with RESPECT and like you are SPECIAL?!) and going days without responding to his texts only to pop back up later. Classic breadcrumbing and negging. I am shocked that he has put up with my behavior for so long. I am worried that I have driven him away with my behavior. It seems like he’s afraid to text me and he will make a concerted effort not to touch me in public because I expressed so much distaste for it before.

So here’s my question: how the hell do I shift gears now? I’m so thankful to this sub for showing me what to expect from both others and myself, and I could really use some help!