TLDR: Every single thing I've learned about online dating this year!

  • Dating isn’t about the other person. It’s about getting to know yourself better. Dating isn’t about how others see you, it’s about how you see you. Getting ready for a date, shouldn’t be for them, it should be for you. Buying new shoes, getting your hair done, that’s for you.
  • Quickly, you will learn to ignore the crazies, and to not be upset by any rude behaviour from strangers. It sucks, but why let it bother you. Life too short.
  • Also pay the fees to improve your experience, reduce time on these apps, its worth. But dont pay to contact men.
  • Keep expectations in check, if you’ve only met someone once or twice, likely its very unrealistic to see this turning into love or marriage at this stage until you know each other much better So, its probably best to not reveal too much about yourself, emotionally or physically while you’re still getting to know someone. I’ve learned this the hard way. Only had one date and you’re obsessing? Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
  • Reality Check - please! Sexual chemistry, loneliness, desire for a relationship or desire for children, and a tendency to indulge in fantasy can often blind us from wanting to dig too deep or listen to our intuition or even what they flat out verbalise. What’s your last name? Where do you work? Are you in a relationship? What do you want from this? These are all very valid questions to ask someone on a date. But if you’re dazzled by their smile, their energy, or just their attention, you may want to avoid their unavailability / unsuitability by not asking qualifying questions or not listening to what they tell you about themselves.
  • Also information exchange ratio on all dates should roughly be 50/50. Did you do all the talking? Do they know more about you than you know about them? That may be purposeful information control on their part - or maybe you just talk too much! And vice versa if you didn’t get a word in edgeways, its usually time to make a retreat. A man should want to know about you. And if you didn’t like what you heard from them - what are you doing with that information?
  • In my experience, the cliche is true, if a man wants to meet you/ date you/ have sex with you - he will find a way to make it happen or let his intentions known or act on them. Don’t cheat yourself by making excuses for his behaviour. And don’t cheat yourself by compromising on what you want. You’re the rule, not the exception.
  • If he hasn’t asked you out - there’s a reason for that. And its about him, not you. He may be married, he may be emotionally unavailable, they may be catfishing you by lying about who or what he is, or he may be very immature. Who knows the reason, forget it. If he wants to go on a date with you he will continue to try to do that. And if he just wants to sleep with you he will also try to do just that. The cliche is true - people tell you who they are. If they're not asking you out - they are not available. Listen to them.
  • And if you want a relationship, and a man wants No Strings Attached, it’s foolish to agree to something you don’t want and expect a different outcome other than what he is offering. You might think you can compartmentalise, and maybe you can. Hes not going to change his mind. You’re the rule, not the exception.
  • Some women can do it, but personally for me, no strings attached, I just find that the oxytocin released during excellent orgasms through great sex - makes me artificially (and very strongly) want to bond with someone, before I even know if they’re worth my time or energy. Knowing this, I want to avoid sex the first few dates. I’m still defining what the right amount of time is on this one, but what our mom’s say is true, the longer you wait for sex (if you want a relationship) the better. That way you’ve taken your time to get to know them and see them in different situations, they’ve invested time and energy to get to know you, they’re not just going to slip out the door.
  • And the opposite is true, if all you want is sex, why bother with romance and dating and endless texting? Get it done, and don’t drag it out (either before or after) otherwise you may find yourself emotionally attached to someone who only wants something physical and is OK giving you mixed signals
  • Enough about them. Who are you? Do you tell the truth? Can you communicate your needs? Are you polite / thoughtful? If you want a relationship are you brave enough to say it or do you try to pretend that a one night stand or no strings attached is good enough for you? Do you try to make men jealous by talking about exes, or other paramours? Do you lie about your dating history or your status to reel in a man? Do you play games with men by waiting 2 hours to respond to a text? Do you pretend you’re busy when you’re not ? Do you continue to date a man who likes you, even though you’re not interested and you let them believe otherwise because you’re bored or hung up on someone else? Think about how you’d like to be treated and make sure your actions are in line with that. Trust is key in a relationship - can you, yourself, be trusted?
  • Do you know what your boundaries are? Are you committed to setting and keeping them? Think about it. How much will you reveal or not about your life, your desires, your family, friends, experiences on date 1, on date 2? Or do you just blurt it all out? And is withholding that you have kids until date 10 honest? How many drinks will you have? Will you pay or not pay? How far will you go sexually on each date? Where will you go or not go location wise? Will they come to your place? Will you go to theirs. How late will you stay up? Have you thought about your boundaries and your psychological, emotional and physical/sexual safety before your date? And how committed to you to expressing & keeping your boundaries once you’re on a date.
  • If you feel you break a boundary on a date (i.e. drink too much) how do you decide to protect yourself differently the next time? Or do you not think about, and shame yourself secretly but keep on repeating the behaviour. Are you mature enough to re-set a boundary even if you let it be passed the first time?
  • You may know what your boundaries are - but how good are you communicating them? I like the British saying, “never complain, never explain”. A boundary is a boundary, you don’t need to defend it or explain it. Its what youre comfortable with, its not up for debate. If they want sex, and you don’t want to wait- that’s fine - you’re not compatible, next. If they like dive bars, and you don’t drink and hate bars - beyond a simple - "that’s not for me", if you can’t reach a compromise that works for you and them - it might be time to quickly move on. There’s simple no point in complaining about it and trying to turn an apple into an orange. It is what it is. Listen to the signs, respond, if not in agreement - its a mutual no. If you can't meet eye to eye on a first date - what would it be like 5 years & 1 kid in?
  • If you’re thinking about the man obsessively between dates, outside of the usual butterflies, assess what’s going on with you psychologically… are you bored? indulging a fantasy? over-invested too early? Looking for escape? Unhappy with your work, friendships and family and looking for a silver bullet? If he doesn’t contact you again, or doesn’t want to date you but only wants to sleep with you - how are you protecting yourself psychologically from disappointment? Is your level of excitement appropraite to the amount of time / energy that's been invested by him so far?
  • In my experience revenge dating, or seeing multiple men to avoid focusing too deeply on one, doesn’t work very well. I agree with seeing (but maybe not sleeping with) multiple men at once (to each their own, I struggle to compartmentalise0, but if your motives are designed to hurt someone else, or to forget about someone else, that doesn’t work very well for you or the new person.
  • And at any time someone just doesn’t feel safe for you - what are you prepared to do to protect yourself from a physical, sexual or pyschological predator? I didn’t really believe it before, but there are bad people out there who will pretend and appear to be a good guy, and they are not. They will lie about being single, they will lie about their jobs, they will try and coerce you into other things, they will waste your energy even though they are not available.
  • Listen to your intuition. If you think he’s a catfish, if you think he’s married, if you feel too attracted to him, if you think he may hurt you in anyway, if his texts creep you out, if it seems too good to be true… it probably is. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND THE SIGNAL IT SENDS. We are animals with built in defence mechanisms to protect us from predators for the survival of the human race! :) Who cares if it’s not logical. If you have a feeling about someone, act on it and protect yourself. Dont try and out think intuition.
  • Or if you feel that you can't just "give up easily" (on someone you dont even know!) - do more digging directly to find the truth. (E.g. You seem much too attractive to be single - how is this so? Are you actually married or are you a jerk ;)??? Inquiring minds want to know!! , I like you but but I'm not sure I can do No Strings Attached - what’s your philosophy or thoughts on this going further emotionally if we feel it? Im busy at work and find this texting so early on a bit much, Im going to have to mute our conversation until 9pm, Hope you understand! We seem to be from different backgrounds - what do you think of that? ) Their response (or lackthereof) to a few probing questions can quickly tell you if your intuition is right.
  • Don’t swipe depressed. Spend time with your friends, family, read a good book, get some exercise, go to a museum, ride your bike, have a swim
  • Don’t stay out of the game too long :)
  • Men are like buses, there’s another one around the corner. It may not be Mr Right, but everyone can teach us something new.
  • Set your intention for every date. Be polite, learn something, go somewhere new, protect yourself, listen to who they say they are, be prepared to be surprised (both for the good and for the bad), and to laugh it off
  • You have agency. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for listening for signs. You are responsible for cutting off people who aren’t good for you (they won’t do it). You are responsible to date someone good enough (don’t settle), you are responsible for dressing your best, for being polite, for laughing off a bad date, for getting back on the horse, for not overeating because he didn’t call. You are the director of your life, make sure you’re coming out a likeable protagonist with self love and admirable values - not a victim or a bit player in someone else show
  • Think about what your pictures say about you.. are they too sexual? too boring? recent or old? can you see your full figure? Will a man be disappointed by who shows up vs your online profile? Are you sending mixed messages? (Once I checked my profile and it said I wanted a relationship but all my pics were a little too flirtatious to be taken seriously!
  • Be honest with yourself and the man about what you want - if you really want a relationship (friendship or long term dating) then it will get rid of 90% of the men but you only need one if you’re looking for monogamy. And are pretending you want a relationship when really you just want a roll around in the hay - its OK to say that.
  • If you don’t feel its going somewhere with someone, let them know, politely and quickly - you would want the same
  • Be prepared to make friends online dating - there’s some great people there
  • I do a quick chemistry /evaulation check (90 mins 1 drink or coffee) almost immediately after matching and then let them schedule a second date soon thereafter to spend more time getting to know each other. I usually pay for the first drink while I decided if I like them - and then they usually say they’d like to pay/take me to dinner for second date
  • If I’ve met someone on Tinder which only displays a first name and an age, I ask for their LinkedIn profile before a second date… If they have anything to hide or they’re not interested that should weed out the liars. I’m busy at work, I wouldn’t waste time going on a business meeting with someone without checking their LinkedIn, why would I waste time in my life to go on a second date with someone who want share their LinkedIn? Controversial but I have my reasons. It’s about physical and emotional safety. Many married men use these apps and have a lot to hide. LinkedIn tells you a lot!
  • Sorry, I know this is old fashioned - but I 100% let the man lead with effort. He starts the conversation, he asks me out, he suggests what we do. BUT! I don’t play games. I respond to conversations straight away, I say yes or no straight away to a date, I make time to have the date, I help plan where to meet if needed, I tell him I’m looking forward to it, etc, I say thank you... and then... I let him ask for the second date, etc.
  • If someone is suggesting a place you really don’t like, or have no interest in, in my experience 10/10 they’re not someone you’re interested in. Shallow but true. You can of course throw caution to the wind but its usually a sign that you’re not compatible or just in very different places in your lives. Try and negotiate somewhere else - this shows that you are willing to express yourself, and this will tell you a lot about who they are and their own level of communication skills.
  • Make yourself available for dating by making time for it
  • Manners count - be polite, say thank you, etc and in turn see what their manners say about them
  • Be safe in all ways - emotionally, sexually, physically, psychologically
  • If dating is a priority that’s great but always have other things going on in your life - invest in all your relationships -& activities - work, hobbies, study, fitness, colleagues, friends, family.
  • I read this recently, and I truly believe it. If you’re not happy with your life or your relationship with yourself, a relationship with someone else will not make you anymore happy than you currently are with those things. It will give you friendship, companionship, sex, someone to plan things with.. but if you don’t like yourself, your family, what you’re doing with your life, etc the other person can not make those things better. Assess where you’re at with that and if you don’t like what you see, make sure you’re investing time to improve those things too.

Good luck out there ladies!