I'm sorry if this post isn't adequate to the sub but i'm writing this here because it's the only space were I ferl at home. I'm 18 and I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life, I'm in high school and I can't for the life of me be motivated to study, I don't know if it's because I'm insecure or because I never had a male role model to guide me andcomfort me. Don't get me wrong my parents are alive and not divorced but I distinctly remember the sight of my father laughingh at me because I couldn't play football when I was 7 (I went for a month at a football school) . This behavior continued throughout my life from my parents and relatives, although they often congratulated me when I brought good grades home. I gradually became more insecure and shaneful, when I was a little guy I had no problems picking fights and defending myself but now I'm a little bitch. The first year of middle school I passed with my mother and sister away from home because she found a job there, i cried every day, the change was sudden, school was more difficult and the other children bullied me, fun fact they called me gay and I didn't even know what that meant, when I found out I started to doubt that I was straight , of course I'm not gay but I was fucked up mentally beyond belief. After a while I began to do well in school and i bevame the best in mu class, this continued even when I went back home later. When I went to high school something changed, I begun not studying anymore for reasons I ignore and I started doing poorly in school, now it's my last year gere and I suck, I get mediocre grades and I can't muster up enough strenght to open the damn books, I really hate being judged like a damn monkey on stuff that I won't remember a week later. So at the end of this year I will have to choose if to go to university or work on a dead end job if I can even find one. I'm a failure and my parents make sure to remind me of it every day, I'm apathetic and I don't like anything, I know that if I went to university I probably wouldn't finish it, today my mother told me how she and dad supported me and offered me to pay for maths lessons, how they wanted me to go to the gym and I never did so now I'm short and skinny and how when I was 12 I didn't use my retainer enough and now my teeth are not perfect. I'm starting to think that I'm crazy and in the wrong and that I am fooling myself and playing the victim tonnot feel the shame of my failures, but I remembered how the other day I was doing a crossword and my father laughed when I could'n find a word for a minute or two. I think my life is going to be shitty but at least I'm mgtow and I won't aggravate the situation by marrying. I'm sorry for this incoherent ramble, I don't even know why I wrote it, maybe I needed to get thai emotional weight off of my chest. Sorry for eventual errors, I basically taught myself english and it's not my first language