Coming from a conservative Christian background, I'm familiar with all the shaming aspects it brought, particularly sexually for both genders -- don't have sex, don't have hard-ons, don't masturbate, don't even think of another person in that way -- for if you do you are a sinner. So standup, kneel down, lay prostrate, whatever, so confess, you are a sinner. Who, recognize... No, you are trapped into slavery, to a system stacked against us, whose sole purpose, from my perspective, is to stage an environment where one person is permitted to Lord their qualities over yours, and attempt to fix you. Because after all, you're a sinner, and you suck. Right? NO!

Not to be incorrectly mistaken, I honor, and respect, people of faith; but people of religion are above all to be despised. My father was a true man of faith in every way, and people stopped every time he spoke; well read, kind and softly spoken, he always had deeply insightful words of encouragement to share. And everyone listened intently. Love him forever.

However, both society, family pressures, and religion, perpetuate unhealthy gender roles that hurt both woman and man, and at the center of this, marriage and role ideals. I feel I've (we've) been taught to take on immense responsibilities, unreasonable responsibilities. For one gender, yield careers of influence for endless days cleaning diapers, and dealing with all the educational, or medical responsibilities associated with raising children; for the other gender, in order to accommodate financial needs of the family, to forsake much of the available time, sacrificing relationship with children. This is tragic.

For me, having the benefit of my career, I've chosen to work from home (laptop in hand), and for years built an enduring, deep relationship with my children. I'm one of those guys that has worked, yes, as much as 105 hours per week, but at least 50; and at the same time, I make all the breakfasts (homemade) and half the nightly meals, I do 2/3 of the household chores, I do all the outdoor work. And I am the sole bread-winner in the house.

You likely already see this coming... And I'm exhausted. I lived with a sedentary, complaining, negative, spiteful wife. Yes, mind you, I married her, I wanted the children I have, and yes, there were good times too, to be fair. But inside, my heart, and my life was deadening. And it was like death from a million mosquito bites. They can just suck the life out of you.

Being deeply reflective, contemplative, I have inclinations to spirituality that led me to mindfulness. I found myself having in increasing frequency, these moments as I call them, where if that one moment -- whether it was seeing wind-driven snow at Woodland Golf Club from the vantage point of the morning train, or it was hearing an inner voice calling me to STOP and touch that pine tree to my right -- where that one moment, if I were to relive that moment for an eternity as in a loop, it would be perfect. In each moment, I cry, and am utterly overwhelmed, as I take it in. With these moments gaining in frequency, I made one discovery of myself. And here's the big one: I MATTER, I HAVE VALUE.

"Matter", "value"? How do these resonate with the life I've been living? How do I reconcile the deadness in my prior inner-life and marriage outer-life with this newfound liveness? Simply put, I couldn't.

What I found, all those years of verbal assaults, by my wife, towards me or my children, all the times when I tried to resolve issues, bring up budget issues, parenting style issues, (her lack) sex drive issues, and so many more categories of issues, and each time, the situation would be spun around to being about her, that the act of conversation about issues were themselves an attack on her identity.

Shockingly, within the last two years I read an article in Psychology Today about Traits of Highly Manipulative People. I think there were 9 traits if I recall correctly. Of those, 7 of the 9 my wife exhibited. Going deeper, I started to realize that my wife is codependent. That each of those conversations were in fact attacks of her personal identity. That when children, or any others for that matter, call into question anything about her, these are always taken as personal attacks of her identity. I can't fix that.

WHO THE FUCK DID I MARRY?

Now I was starting to piece together what I've been feeling for 20 years with her, I had a language to express my feelings. And what I discovered: I don't need her. In fact, I don't need anyone. Okay, a bit of hyperbole there, as human beings, we thrive in community, in relationships. We were built for that, yes, that's true. But what I had been experiencing, I deserve better. I don't need her, I don't need that.

BUT MAYBE IF...

Yes, twenty years, you heard right. All those conversations when we were dating: the verbal agreement's, our plans, when she'd go back to work, goals, all discussed. But rushing as I did into marriage, and only after nine months of knowing her, I quickly found myself in a mountain of responsibility with a partner that refused to help. Remember that religion bullshit I spoke of, oh, and how do they say it, "...he gave him woman for a helpmate...", bullshit. Utter bullshit.

INDEPENDENT AND STRONG

After 20 years of marriage, 20 years of denial, saying to myself, "maybe, just maybe, things will get better", or "maybe she will stop being so hurtful to me or the kids", after 20 years of abuse, it took one last incident, when she horrifically verbally abused my son, that I said "WE'RE DONE!"

For me independence doesn't mean not being in relationship, but it means being strong in yourself first, and not accepting from others things that you would not want done unto you. It means realizing I do have worth, I do matter, that I am worthy of authentic love and romance. It means that my dreams matter too, that my opinion matters, my feelings matter. And anyone that stands opposed to those, aren't worth the air they displace.

So off to divorce court it was. And yes, getting financially flogged.

In the meantime, a surprise happened... A friend that was dear to me, a former colleague from a decade ago, brilliantly intelligent, Asian, beautiful, we started dating. We joke about all of this amongst ourselves... "Where's my $80,000 for ..." she'll jokingly say, or "hey, can you get me a house too?", or "where's my $450,000 investment account", or... Anyways, you get the point. We have a good chuckle. Why? Because that money, losing it sucks when it was yours. That money, the inheritance from your grandfather that should never be considered joint property, kiss that goodbye at least in part too. But we know, that money is not happiness. Money has this funny quality, it lulls us into sleep, thinking we have a false sense of security. It deadens us to real change. It keeps us trapped (How true!).

Regarding the new relationship... We have a strict policy:

1. No marriage, EVER. Whenever we say, will you marry me, it really means, will you have my heart. Recognize this, you don't need the headache of some state controlled worthless sheet of paper.
2. Don't change for the other person, change for yourself. If the person truly loves you, they too are strong, and look forward to seeing how you grow, who you become. An adventure together.
3. Maintain all prior friendships, even with the opposite gender. I actually encourage this strongly.
4. Talk about everything. Yes, everything. Even the embarrassing stuff, like, "Oh, remember how you turned me on over the phone. Well, I couldn't wait and got myself off", and turn it into a funny.
5. Be completely honest. Completely. Yes, really.
6. Discuss every issue. Oh, and when your head says, nah, not big enough to talk about -- bullshit -- talk about it. Small things become big things if not talked about.
7. Better together.

WHAT MATTERS

For me, marriage was slavery. I have such an opinion on this that I would NEVER recommend marriage under any circumstance at this point to anyone, regardless of life stage. Regardless. Far easier to have a lawyer draft a few provisions, than to deal with court systems skewed towards outcomes that favor woman over man without consideration or context.

What I've learned that matters, are these:

• self discovery and awareness
• emotional strength and awareness
• independence, not codependence
• relationships in community
• truly authentic relationships
• truthful open conversation
• being open to stretching (growing) in uncomfortable ways
• integrity first to oneself and who you are (don't be someone else), then to others

For those out there, suffocating in marriage, I have one thing to say, it will be hard, but the grass is indeed greener. You do matter. Your feelings matter. Have personal integrity to realize these things. Get out! BUT, if you have kids, always, always foster deep caring relationships with them. You'll find, like me, your kids won't care if you're living on the other side of the tracks in a small apartment while your wife lives in a posh palace -- you will have their love and respect forever, which is exactly what you always wanted, right? And perhaps, you will find someone like I have, that is emotionally mature, kind, loving, smart, and very beautiful in every other way that I could possibly think of. And you too will find yourself saying, "she may have gotten my money, but you have my heart. I think I'm the one who won big time." So take the risk, not lightly, but consider taking it, for your sake. Don't find yourself 20, 30, or 40 years from now, as the case may be, on your death bed, regretting you did not take the risk.

Stop being a slave to others expectations, be authentic to who you are. If you don't know who you are, no better time than to discover that now. Say, "Hello Self, I am indeed pleased to know you. Looking forward to a long adventure together and learning who you really are, and are meant to become."