Been in a bad place the past few years and something came over me tonight

37 points•14 comments•submitted by Ferritt01974 to r/TrueChristian

Since my wife cheated and left me for some hindu guy and taking my kids, I have not been able to forgive myself. It was my fault and I pushed her to this. If I had been the Godly man like I was supposed to be and treated my wife and kids better it would not have happened. So while I know she made her choices, my poor choices of how I lived caused it. I know God forgives me as far as salvation goes, but I have to suffer for what I did in this life. but I have asked my wife went forward with the divorce, refusing to forgive me or giving counseling a chance. Its a life sentence losing your wife and kids. Im in debt for life to child support because honestly at 45 and my youngest of 3 kids is 4. I will be in my 60's by the time I can start saving money for myself or retirement. i been in suicide clinic and never stop thinking about it. I do not see any hope, atleast for whats left of my life. I have really let myself go. i gained so much weight and stopped excerising after my wife left. All I do is sleep, eat and cry and play video games to keep my mind off bad thaughts and pray but no answers. Been this way for 2 going on 3 years soon. Tonight something came over me. I went to sleep early after eating around 7pm. I woke around 10:50pm and had this sudden urge come over me. To just get out. It started as a walk but soon to a jog then to a run. I thought I was going to have a heart attack because I am so out of shape but at the same time it felt good and I did not want to stop and I finally had to as my body was saying no while my mind saying yes keep going. I just collapsed crying. Im so sick of living like this. Knowing that my wife hates me. She says her time with me haunts her. Whats strange is she is the one who cheated on me and while I could say the same thing. Nothing she did haunts me. She even stole one time from Kohls over christmas and got caught. She was afraid to tell me so tried to hide her court date from me as long as she could. I have always forgiven her of things she did because its life and as long as she learned from them I did not care. I dont get why she holds so much against me, I love her and sorry if I hurt her emotionally in some way. But she wont let me back in to talk about it. I am tired of praying.