Once the hamster gets going...

Here’s the backstory:

I’m 31, she’s 27. We have been married for five years and together for eight years. I still love my STBX wife very much.

She started talking about wanting a separation or space apart during the summer of 2018. This was a reasonable request and I’ll tell you why. We have been in nursing school working towards getting our bachelor’s degrees together since 2016. We have lived in a studio apartment together since 2012. Basically, we were together 24/7, doing everything together nearly all the time. There were some exceptions to this: one of us would go do our own thing, but that was few and far between.

In any case, the first time that she brought up needing space, we talked about it and her only option to stay somewhere else was her parents house. She does not feel comfortable there, and didn’t like that idea. Next, we talked about marriage counseling. We found out that marriage counseling is really expensive and is way out of our student budget.

She told me some of the issues between us that were bothering her back then. We had little discussions about disagreements too often—both of us would get hung up on the small things.

She said that I was controlling and gave me three examples: I told her when ahe could and could not buy things, she felt like she always needed my permission. The second was that I pushed her too often to go to the gym and eat well. The third was that she felt like I spoke to her like her father, telling her what to do.

Well, the first two I had trouble with because she always wanted me to control our finances and budget. I had to budget our money so that we would have enough to get us through school from 2016-2019’s summer. As far as the gym thing, she asked me specifically to push her and motivate her to be healthier. When I asked her about these two points, she said that I did too much.

Now, talking to her like her father, well I am guilty of that. I thought that I knew better and did not allow her enough autonomy. I wasn’t crazy about telling her what to do, but I can see that I did it often enough to cause issues. Being together and doing literally everything together is really tough.

———

The marriage:

We were very happy. She told me and everyone else that she loved me more than anything, that she was happy, she told people about our plans for the future. She would draw happy pictures of us doing things in the present and future. Our sex life was great, she told me that I gave her the best sex she has experienced. Other people often called our relationship their “goals.” Strangers would pay our bill at bars and restaurants (this has happened three times).

Together, we worked as a team to go from poor backgrounds to getting our loves together. We motivated wach other to be better. We both graduate from nursing school in May 2019.

Once we graduate, we will have much more time apart aka “space.” We will have separate experiences to talk about instead of shared experiences. We will have plently of money to go out and do the things we enjoy and have been lacking. We won’t be so burdened with stress from school, financial issues, and being together all the time. We would regain our individuality.

The near-present:

The real trouble started at the end of December 2018. She has been trying to make new, close friends, but her attempts were not successful. She doesn’t talk to her old friends due to burned bridges and issues.

She asked me if she could reach out to her abusive ex-boyfriend. Reasons included were that they had a “good friendship” before they dated, and he was the only person from her past that was willing to be friends with her. Naturally, I said no, that is a bad idea. She did it anyway, telling me that I have to let her make her own descisions.

That reconnection of a friendship quickly turned into an emotional affair. I felt something was off immediately and we fought about her ending this thing with him.

Well, three weeks later, near the end of January, she told me she was separating and moving in with her parents to give us space. She said she had fallen out of love with me and she wanted to figure herself out. I was devastated—she left that same day with a lot of her clothes.

Her parents reached out to me and we talked. It turned out that she moved in with her abusive ex that day, and didn’t talk to her parents until the next day. She also lied to them and only told us that she separated with me but nothing else.

I spoke with my sbtx a few days after she left to get the truth out of her. She told me she moved in with him, slept with him, and that we were over for good.

I moved out of my apartment to stay with family. I have a lot of support from my friends and family. All of her family also supports me, and they are not happy with her, to the point of cutting her out. Her past relationship with this abusive ex-boyfriend has caused her emotional and physical trauma (once leading to a hospital visit).

The present:

We spoke again after 18 days. She told me that she left because we don’t have a “spark” any more, and ahe can’t see me in her future. She told me that our relationship was “perfect on paper,” and that I treated her very well. But she now says she was not in love with me for two whole years. Well, she showed me and everyone we know otherwise.

Then she told me that this whole breakup is her fault and that she “deserves whatever bad things are coming to [her].” She has told our mutual friends that ahe feels lonley because none of her/our frienda and family are supporting her. I think it is obvious why no one is supporting her: she cheated on her loving husband and left for her abusive ex.

She says she didn’t cheat on me. She has it in her mind that because she said she wants a separation and THEN slept with him on the same day (and moved in with him) makes it not cheating. You tell me.

She says she loves him and is happy.

The future:

I am experiencing PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks. I trusted her and gave her my entire heart. I wish that we could have worked these issues out earlier if she had just told me what they were and how serious they were. I wish we could fix it now—but I know that it isn’t possible.

We were so close to accomplishing our goal of getting a degree together and having a great life. Now I have to see her at school and feel heartbroken all over again, each time I see her.

Adding to the sadness for me, is that she was my best friend. Right now, I think that is what I miss the most.

———

Thanks for reading my story. I wrote it as well as I could given the circumstances.

If you have any advice for me, please help.