PLEASE LADS, help her!!!! this poor little girl!

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and let me know what you said there. post here too

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https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/hecnn1/anger_at_self_after_sexual_abuse/

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Anger at self after sexual abuse

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Hello,

So I am an incest & child abuse survivor.

I ended up being a hypersexual adult (no surprise) when I finally got out of home.

In my hypersexuality phase I was sleeping around recklessly & compulsively. Usually it was one night stands.

But then I met this guy who was very charming at the beginning & then slowly started pretending we were a couple. And me being the emotionally deprived child that I am, fell for it too quickly & without thinking twice.

He was always hot & cold with me. One day he would say he’s my boyfriend and the next day he would say he’s too busy for a relationship etc. of course he was only keeping me around.

He used me for sex for 8 months. I never felt any pleasure, he never even tried to make me orgasm. I just let him use me. He would come meet me only if sex was guaranteed. Would cancel on me if I had my period. Would threaten to leave if I ever refused sex or said something like “you never take me out but you say I am your gf” etc.

I was only 22 (he was not much older). I don’t think I knew any better. I was a very cheap sex doll.

It was only after I broke up with him (I found out he had other girls) that I realized I had been coerced & exploited for sex. In the further wake of this breakup I unlocked memories of my father using me to satisfy himself when I was 3-4 years old.

Same exact feeling. He had put me in the same exact place.

It has been 3 years now and I still have days where I wake up in disgust & anger towards myself for letting him (the boy, not my father) use me.

I am very thankful for the fact that it made me a vigilant woman & made me realize I should have ~some standards for who I sleep with. I am also very thankful that the experience unlocked incest memories and helped me process them.

But the anger. It hurts. It physically hurts. I want to kill him. I think of him & I see blood. It ruins my entire week. I feel weak & small. Even a small sexual tease from a guy sends me over the top & makes me block them. I can’t take nudes of myself anymore, I can’t be provocative or open about sex anymore.

I am posting this here because I was a practicer of stoicism even before I knew what the word for it was & I’d like to believe I practice it well. I am a very efficient, intelligent & hard working woman but this trauma/mistake of my life upsets everything around me, all my hard work, all my mental peace. Everything. I just wish I could forgive myself. Or that I could kill him.

I would really like some stoic advice on how to process this & just let it go.