Trying to let off a bit of steam here so just bare with me.

Discovering this community has been of immense help to me so far, more on it later but i have to admit i'm still struggling to get over things, and the temptations to go back (as an orbiter now i guess?) is too real.

So a little bit about things, i got on very well with this girl at work (i know, violated the don't shit at work rule), and very well means sorta on the verge of getting into a relationship. The only thing holding me back was she didn't sorta explicitly show that she liked me, but she definitely didn't treat any other guys the same way as she did with me. Didn't leech off me as well, we paid for our own share of meals during our outings/dates, even if one of us paid for something the other would get it the next time. The other thing holding me back was well, its a colleague.

Fast forward, and long story short, she started dating a lawyer, whom she maintained that is a long term friend and was apparently pretty happy that they got together. Cue pain, crushed self-esteem, feelings of being betrayed. i wallowed in self pity, questioning my entire life for weeks, "why am i not good enough?" "why did i pick this career?" "why am i not making so much money?" (can't help it when the guy is younger and making bucket loads more than you). I attempted to continue to maintain an amicable relationship with her, still talked to her on text as much as i could, but the difference was clear, she no longer replies all of my messages and no longer initiates conversations like before.

Until i found this community, and i saw myself in a different light: how low had i stooped to, and how pathetic i was. I got focused, signed up for a finance certification exam and studied hard for it. In between i got angry at the whole fiasco, and it gave way to hate, hatred for her betrayal of me. The hate reached the point of feeling like (not original, but i can relate)if i had a gun with two bullets and she was in a room with hitler and himmler i would shoot her twice kind of level. I was able to channel that into raw focus for my studies so in a way i welcomed this negative emotion for now at least.

I think she began to noticed the change in my behaviour and actually asked me why didnt i ask her out for a drink, i immediately said you didn't care and you don't anyway so why bother. Lo and behold, she said i was the one that didn't care, and she even tried to point out that she was the last one who replied in our text message trail (petty). Started to ghost her in both text and in the real world, she tried initiating conversations twice but after a curt "yes?" reply she didnt even bother further. So much for caring about things, if she really did she'd pull me aside and ask me what went wrong.

But that's beside the point though, i think i'm taking this vile and hatred a bit too far lately, i know that because its beginning to interfere my studies with thought intrusions and i can't afford that since its only three weeks till my exam. Anyone ever felt this way before and knows how to cope with it? It's a bit hard to avoid contact all together since i still see her at work (quitting is out of the option since im doing decent atm).

Apart from that, i started getting on well (i know, violation of mgtow rules again) with another female friend and she seems genuinely nice (i am aware of AWALT). It's getting very hard to resist the temptations, the back of my mind keeps saying "look at what happened before, if may lose her if you don't jump in", i read visit this community daily to keep that thought in check, but it's really taking a toll on me now.

If you've read this far, thank you for bearing with me. Any help will be much appreciated, the exam stress, quarter life crisis has really been getting to me.