Original pathetic post.

Wow, it's been a fucking ride this month. Want to let everyone know I snapped out of this today. It was a wake up call, this morning. This past week I've been suicidal, highly. Like never before in my life. I questioned the worthiness of working, of putting effort into things. I felt life was uphill and not meant for me. It's one thing when you think you're worthless...but when you feel everything you do & will do is innfectively worthless, it's worse.

Last night, I saw a woman at another brothel. Good sex, good love, but didn't get to my head. I was drunk off my head. This morning, I was ready to head to another town, to another brothel. But I had a dream about 30 minutes before I woke up.

I had a dream, where I sat in a chair and a few of my bosses were talking to me. "Hey man, it's going to be OK." Apparently, I attempted suicide earlier and now they were trying to make me comfortable. I stepped off to another room to watch a movie or play a game. I turned on the TV, and it was too loud. Some kids song was playing "You make me happy, I make you happy.". I thought OK....I tried to turn down the volume.

As I did, I turned, I saw a young woman through the doorway. She said, with great enthusiasm, "Hi!!!" and I replied "Hello!! What are you doing here?". The glee of seeing her stroke my chest, I can't explain it. I felt love and happiness. It woke me up, in the dream & in real life. That young woman was my sister.

Real love cannot be hunted or bought, it's inside of us. Yes, love with another being is possible, but it always will be there in the family. I bawled my eyes out today, and felt better. I called my sister and my mother. Told them I miss them, and I was so stupid. That's real love. I was so blind this past month, hunting for the wrong thing, for something & someone to fill me in.

Today, I took it easy, didn't drink and just had a large meal. Feel bloated but content. Y'all, I can't wait to see my sister again.

Thanks for listening.