I just wanna share. So about 3 years ago I had this ex, everything was fine up until two years after that. More than fine actually. She was my world and all that cringe bs, she had to move and we tried LDR. (literally the hardest because I had to fly halfway across the world for her whilst balancing school and get this, take care of my terminally ill relative). When he passed, I was devastated. I shut myself off from the world, I didn't leave my room for a month and didn't give a shit abt my hygiene whatsoever I ate whatever I could find and gained 40 pounds of pure fat. It became real bad to the point where I could only fit one pair of jeans. She somewhat tried to be there but her only concern was for me to go there as soon as possible (not because she wanted to take care of me or anything, but because she was demanding). That just drifted us apart more, couple of months later I get these inklings abt her infidelity. Starts dressing up more, going out more often, and even saw new guys on her IG follow her. Anyway it took me 3 months to finally catch her. And boy was I devastated. I read her texts to her gay best friend telling him abt this guy. x rated shit. I also saw her dating apps, Tinder, Bumble, and this sleazy bullshit about sugar daddies and etc. that she was proud of. As soon as I find out I call her, I lost my cool, shouted at her and broke up with her the first time. She told me that this guy wanted to visit her every month (while I could only do it everytime I had a break from school, so seasonal), she told me he his own car and house. (dude is in his 30's, I'm in my 20's and still in school). Ironic enough though, she didn't graduate and moved on from job to job. (where I had to drive her to everyday.) Looking back now I realized she just wanted someone to take care of her because she couldn't do it herself.

After that phone call that was probably the first time I had a panic attack. I remember I used to enjoy toking up but then I'd get a panic attack after because of it. My heart was beating so fast and I wanted to cry but couldn't. the pain was just unbearable. I remember not sleeping for 5 days. I didn't eat anything too. I just remember looking at the ceiling and realizing I hit rock bottom. I just wanted to die. Quickest way possible. In my sleep, jump from my apartment, swallow pills. Whatever. Quick and painless was what I wanted. I gave this person my life. I shared secrets that no one else knew, I told her everything that was near and dear to me. And thought she would actually be the one I'd end up with. I invested so fucking much. I felt like an idiot.

I blocked her and she tries to kill herself. Her mom gives me shit and tells me that I should ask myself why she did what she did. (funny enough her mom is also a cheater). So I block them all and carry on with my life. It was probably one of the hardest things to do, but I told myself I would do it no matter how hard it took. I promised myself I do not ever want to feel this way again.

First few months were hard especially because I wasn't used to it. I would get nostalgic and that's when I'd cry. I thought I wasn't good enough to keep a relationship and I thought that I would always get cheated on no matter what I would do. I questioned myself. I thought I was worthless and a waste of space. I saw everyone excel and I saw me just there. So I decided to change. it was probably one of the hardest things to do, but I told myself I would do it no matter how hard it took. I promised myself I do not ever want to feel this way again. So what did I do? I just invested in myself. Do what you always wanted to do. I learned a new language, went to the gym regularly to the point where I could not sleep without working out, met new people and just enjoyed life for what it was. (Got back into toking too, hehe, not as much of course) I was content but at the same time hungry for what life had to offer. So 6 months later I drop the weight and finally fit all my old clothes again. A few dates here and there but that was just second nature to me. I had a hard time talking to girls after my last relationship because she was the jealous type and I literally wasn't allowed to have female friends. So after that relationship I made (platonic) female friends who also helped me improve and I helped them with their problems as well. Trust me they're fun too. You just have to find the ones worth keeping and opening up to. Trust your heart. Always. You don't have to fuck all the women you meet.

Before the year ended I had a heart-to-heart talk with my best friends and they told me they're proud of what I've become and honestly that was the best I've ever felt. I cried a little inside. I went through so much last year and for them to say that they were proud of me meant everything. Your inner circle will always know best.

It's hard to start over again esp. when you put in years. But I learned so much about myself cause honestly, relationships are about self-discovery. I learned how to love and what it's like to share something intimate with someone, I learned what it's like to be cheated on with someone you thought would never ever do it. But don't dwell on it nor hate it. Accept it for what it is and move on. Don't let another person define you and don't let them win by shutting everyone out. I hope this inspires whoever has gone through, or is going through what happened to me last year. If you're reading this, I hope you get motivated to be the best version of yourself. I believe in y'all.