Alright you lovely lot of people, story time.

A little bit of back round on myself. I am 37 years young. Introverted as hell, but it hasn't stopped me from accomplishing a lot in my life. I enjoy history, classic cinema/music, literature and I've always preferred the company of a select few over a crowd of people, as people friggin' drain me with inane nonsense a majority of the time. Yet, I've always believed in being there for people, no matter what. Your family, your friends, total strangers if the case arises. That's what being a human being is. Treat others how you would like to be treated and all that jazz. I also know, that nobody is perfect, and everyone has their struggles, especially now.

Now onto the relationship that made me go monk again.

Since 2018 I've been taking care of my elderly grandmother who suffered from dementia, that we didn't know she had at the time but suspected. I was working odd jobs on the side while I could and helping my grandfather as he owns a company that he still works for to this day at 80+. He has always been an inspiration to me and I only hope I could be half the man he is at his age. During this time, taking care of my grandmother/father I would mainly do it alone, because I was the single guy (by choice ) with nothing else better to do. And I didn't mind. I enjoy the company of the elderly since they seem to appreciate the simpler things in life, such as life itself, once they start getting older.

During this time I would spend most of my day making sure my grandmother was okay. She had her routines. She enjoyed swimming at 80+ going into a hot tub religiously for longer than she should. And enjoyed talking on the phone! Who would have thought! My grandmother was addicted to the phone as far back as I can remember. She had 30 ft extension lines to the old school rotary phones back in her house when I was a child, so she could walk around the house talking. As a young child you notice these things, but think nothing of it, because you were too busy watching Pee-Wee's playhouse, or The Real Ghostbusters, or outside playing with your friends (yes this was a thing) reading comics, playing with G.I.Joes and learning how to use your first swiss army knife.

My grandmother practically raised me since my mom was busy working as a child. I never met my real father once in my life as he was apparently a real scum bag. I found out he died a few years back and felt sad I never met him, but had no memories of him, so it didn't last long. So back to my grandmother. Her dementia had taken hold and she slowly started forgetting things. She'd forget where she put things, her credit cards, her purse, her tv remote. And then would get angry. If she couldn't find something, or thought she lost something, especially her phone, she would lose her shit. I know this was because of the dementia, but I had seen this before. I had seen this as a child, as a young man, and as grown male. A woman losing something, then losing her sh*t. I've seen the same from men as well. But with the phone, it's like losing your contact to the outside world. You have FOMO. You feel like you're nobody if you're not in on the conversation. I've seen this before. More so in women, then men. The phone had become a lifeline to other people, to other people's lives, and my grandmother would use it to call me nonstop to help her with things. Fix the television (that she couldn't figure out anymore) show her how to print pictures off facebook ( I hate social media) and how to cook the food I cook for her and my grandfather. Stupid stuff, but I would compromise my time, because who else was going to do it? My Parents have lives, my siblings have lives, and my grandfather still works to this day. So someone had to "Man Up" because nobody else would.

I would spend entire portions of my day with her, taking her places, making sure she ate alright, take her grocery shopping, get gas in her car (she still drove before the dementia was diagnosed) and show her how to use modern technology even if I hated doing so. It was just too much for her mind. Just like modern women. The stimulation is too much. Too many thoughts of other people contaminating your mind with nonsense. I would cook dinner for her and my grandfather or get take out food and come back to their house and watch a film or two with them almost every night. I'd watch my grandfather and grandmother both smile and cry over old school films they hadn't seen in years, and I would do so in return. It took me back to being a child. Watching films with them when I was a young boy. My grandmother was a VHS collector and in turn made me appreciate them and as hobby I would collect them over the years and DVDS/Blu-rays and such. I also would find and sell out of print copies of movies and video games/CDs to supplement my income. So every day after taking care of my grandmother and enjoying her and my grandfather's time, I slowly started thinking, I wish I had someone who would actually enjoy my company as much as they enjoy mine, and I enjoy theirs. Someone with an old soul. Someone who didn't enjoy modernity and wanted simpler things, and enjoyed simpler times.

Skip to July 2019. By now I'm at my grandparents house every morning at 5:30 to 6 am, to take care of my grandmother. Her dementia has grown increasingly bad. She yells all the time at me, my grandfather, whomever. Her need to call people on the phone and try to get them to take her to places and do things she use to do when she was healthier had me beyond stressed. My grandfather, stubborn as he is, didn't know what to do, and continued to go to work, leaving me alone with my grandmother all day. Eventually my mother starts to help me take over afternoons and I come back at nights to do the routine movie, dinner, tuck into sleep etc. This way I can take care of my life and not go completely insane. I had taken up smoking cigarettes again after a five year kick. I was mentally drained. I needed to get out. I had been single for 8 years. No dating. No Mating. I was a monk from my last relationship and decided I was better off alone. But I needed someone. Everyone does from time to time. We also try to get a nurse aid to come and help with my grandmother so I can continue with my life and not be there all day and night. It doesn't work.

Skip to September 2019.

Early morning. I get to my grandparents house and my grandfather is red in the face, saying my grandmother is cussing him out, going nuts on him. I've seen this before. I go inside. Try to talk to her. I get called all sorts of things. It's okay, I can take it. I have before. Things get worse. Mom and Stepdad try to come over and help. No help. Grandmother starts to get hostile and pushy/ throwing things. My grandfather says to call the EMS for her to take her to the hospital. I'm the one to do it. We go to the hospital, Doctors say she has a possible UTI making her act out this way. I'm a hot mess smoking cigarettes outside. I realize then our dog has been home all day and probably hasn't been outside. My parents owned a dog who I had taken care of for years as well. I had to live with my folks due to past surgeries and basically having to restart my life over twice from it. I tell my mother I'll run back to their house and let him out. My younger brother is with me. We get home, and my dog is walking around funny. He walks over to his water bowl, and starts drinking and drinking and drinking. He wouldn't stop. I was worried right away. Then he was outside....Vomiting. In the grass. Didn't look good at all. My brother calls my mother, tells her what's going on. They rush home, then take my car to rush our dog to the VET 45 minutes away. I sit and wait. I get a call. It's my younger brother. He tells me our dog has passed away. I break down as a man would when he loses his best friend. That was the start of the heartache.

Days pass. My grandmother has been diagnosed with Stage 3 Dementia. My Grandfather and mother make the decision she needs to be in a nursing home full time. I am crushed. I never thought they would do that to her. She had been so kind to everyone her whole life and her house was her home, her peace. She was extremely extroverted and loved to be outside and talking to people. Running for people, doing for people. I suspect some of it was for praise, but my grandmother was a genuine good soul. Now she was going to spend the rest of her days in a home. And I would visit her everyday, and listen to her tell me everyday "I'm coming home tomorrow, You come pick me up and we'll be okay!" I would internally die a little inside hearing this, and I'd say "Yes, I will be here tomorrow for you!" knowing damn well she'd never leave that place. My grandfather and mother insisted that if she left, she'd be inclined to go home and it would be worse off. I just wanted my grandfather to realize he had to stop and take care of her. Not let some strangers take care of her. Not letting her be around friends in her own house. But in the end, I know I couldn't have taken care of her by myself.

Skip to October 2019.

I've accepted that my life is completely different now, and I've lost a great deal in a short time. I was coping with a lot. I visited my grandmother every day in the nursing home. I was still helping with my grandpa, still earning money, and still trying to have a life. I create a online dating account. It reminds me why I hate social media. The filters. The faces. The bios all sounding the same. Then I come across one. She's an older woman, but looks great for her age. Says she is Introverted (awesome) and enjoys Horror films (Great!) and a few other details I enjoyed. She was also a Goddess, according to her and her tattoo. I message her something and immediately get a message back! Whoa. We chat a bit, I tell her what I'm into, but also tell her currently what is going on in my life. We seem to hit it off pretty quick, and the next thing I know we have a date. Date night comes, and I get a call from my grandmother. It's a bad night for her, and then for me after dealing with an hour conversation or so about wanting to come home. This was an everyday thing for me. So I called my date up and asked if I could postpone or I could possibly go somewhere closer to where we lived since she only lived a few minutes away from me. She agreed I could buy her a starbucks coffee at 9pm on a friday night and bring it to her. I didn't want to starbucks so I stopped at a gas station and got her an ICED Starbuck coffee. Good enough right? It was. I meet her. She's pretty awesome right off the start. Asks me about my day and I ask her about hers. Tell her about my grandmother and why I had to postpone. Says she understands and thinks I'm pretty great for what I do. We make out almost immediately, and I could have gotten more, but I didn't want sex. I wanted companionship. Someone to talk to. So we just made out cuddled and watched The Joker. I leave at like 4 in the morning, she tells me to text her when I get home. I do, emojis hearts and all that silly fluff. Days later we're hanging out again, doing the same stuff. She wants to clearly have sex. I don't give it up because I want to find out who this girl is. RED flags ignored from her wanting me early on.

I start to ignore her because I feel like If I give her too much attention I'll seem clingy. She still insists on hanging out almost every other night. So we do. Eventually one night, we make love. A few times. She seems to enjoy it and I did too. After 8 years of not having sex, it's nice, but nothing is nicer than having someone next to you who (pretends) to care about you after the act is done. I start to stay over, as I would usually leave early in the morning, and she gets use to that. I get use to it. Things feel good.

My grandmother calls me everyday still. Tells me how great I am, and that she wants to come home and for us to watch movies etc. (For someone with dementia she had a great memory still) And it would eat me up inside, but I knew she was safer there, than she would be with me, but I always regret being the one who called the EMS to have her put away. It slowly would eat away at me.

December 2019

After being with my girlfriend for a couple of months I finally ask her to go STEADY. Yep, I'm lame. She asked me what that meant? I told her. A committed relationship. A couple. She said I was lame, but she accepted. I even started to use the L word again with her. It was odd telling someone you loved them after not doing it for so long. Then one day, my grandmother called me. She was blaming me for not being there all the time, etc, even though I was the only one there, visiting her every single day. It just made me snap. I quit working for my grandfather. I went off on him and my mother for allowing this. I said they had no idea how this made me feel for being the one who locked my own grandmother up, trying to do the right thing. It didn't matter. Nobody listened. So I broke something. I broke a window and I was kicked out. I was sleeping in my car. I didn't care. I didn't even tell my girlfriend till later that night. She told me to come over and I could stay with her. So I did. We talked, I told her about everything how I felt, just needed someone to listen to me for once, instead of being the one always listening. And she did. She said I could stay with her till I sort things out. During this time we really grow to love each other, finish each other's movie quotes. I taught her survival skills, how to prep for disasters, end of the world shit. Etc. She thought I was goofing around, I was serious. I read disaster books and study history so I know where we are headed in our current state. She bragged to her friends and family about me. It felt good to feel appreciated. Then suddenly, Corona comes around.

Jan - Feb 2020

Things are doing good, I'm helping fix up the girlfriends house. She works and lives as an onsite manager at her job, so It was definitely something to get use to. I bought her all sorts of things she needed for her place, it looked like someone's place who ate out dinner every night and rarely cooked for herself. For I helped make it feel more like a home. We went shopping to get new plants for the house, furniture that I would have to move and or put together. We would talk all the time about our plans for the future etc. I eventually got a new job, but then I lost it, as the lockdowns began.

March 2020

The lockdowns have started. The masks have started. The prepper in me knows this is not good. The girlfriend doesn't really see it as anything major. Until 2 weeks, became a meme. Even then she didn't see it. She remained an essential worker throughout all this, meanwhile I watched people I knew working jobs for 30+ years lose them due to this pandemic. I eventually built her a proper pantry and filled it up with food and water for her. I spent hundreds, thousands on stuff for her to keep her safe and have her set up in case something happened. Solar panels, portable power stations. You name it. She finally realized I was serious about this, and about her, and about US. She would post pictures of the things I gave her claiming she was now a "Survivalist" etc. It was cute. Women are cute. Things seemed well. I wasn't working, still looking but wasn't working full time, but could still pull money in from doing side jobs and selling collectibles. While she worked. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the dishes, the laundry (all by hand because none of her appliances worked) I helped fix things in her place. Fix her car tires, fix the problems on her new car she bought (Without me going to look at with her) and ultimately did alot of work at her job, for free, to help her out. She enjoyed it, I enjoyed it. I thought

July 2020

By now the quarantine has gotten to people. I'm use to being inside and alone and not going out all the time so it's not too bad to me. For my girlfriend, like others, it is. They miss going out. They miss their social lives. They're all on their phones way too much now. Searching for SOMETHING. Meanwhile, I've created a spare bedroom at my girlfriends place, because she snores, and I couldn't sleep most nights with her. Terrible I know. I also have insomnia so it was vital I get at least a couple hours of sleep a night to keep my sanity. So one night after spending time with the woman, making love etc, I tell her I'm going to crash in the other room so she can get some sleep, and I can as well. Kiss goodnight etc. I walk in a couple times in our bedroom to check on her, she puts her phone down immediately and I ignore it. Then I can't shake something. I'm just thinking she's talking to someone etc. I didn't want to be that guy and ask her for her phone. So I did something that wouldn't get me into trouble. I installed the dating app we used to meet back in October. I get online and start looking for women her age in my area. Boom. See her profile. New pictures. Single. New Bio. I lose my poop. I burst into the bedroom and go off on her. I say what the f are you doing? Call her names. Yell. Then I grab my stuff, pack up everything. Takes me 5 hours or so to do this at 1 in the morning, and take about 7 trips in my little car to and from her places and my parents. At this point I'm just beyond pissed and upset and start drinking and smoking heavily.

A couple days later, we talk, I apologize (stupid of me I know) for flipping out. She said she just felt lost and confused etc. Same ol' trite. We get back together. Make love, and eventually I come back. Things feel weird, but I'm glad to have her back in my life. I truly love this woman and would do anything for her. Then, this changed everything. Her sister, age 50, alcoholic, divorced multiple times, dating multiple men, moves in with us. Yep. 3 people in a tiny apartment. Living together. Doomed from the start.

Her sister claimed her mother whom she was living with, had bed bugs and had to come stay with us. I said okay. Turns out it was permanent. This b*tch took over my spare bedroom I made. And then I even helped her set up an office in their so she could work from home, while drinking all day like an alcoholic. Good times. So now I was dating a woman, and dealing with her sister's bullsh*t. I had to listen to her about her failed life, her men that she didn't need, yet was constantly monkey branching from one to the other. I will admit this lifestyle was not one I am accustomed too. I'm a white male, and my girlfriend was african american. So I had to listen to her talk bad about men, her own family behind their back, etc, all day. Whilst I was busy cooking, cleaning, doing EVERYTHING neither of them would do, all the while trying to find a new job during a pandemic. Meanwhile neither of two really understand what was going on. Just as long as they had their job, and their booze. I slowly started to realize this woman was never going to leave my life. She wanted to cling to little sister to drink and tell her all her problems, especially about MEN. This really put me off, seeing as I was man, who was helping take care of their asses. I was buying groceries, with little money I had, and then her sister would continue to eat, drink, and rarely contribute to our household. The only thing she would contribute was BOOZE and that was after she would drink most of the stuff I had bought. I didn't sign up for this. And everyday, I still had to deal with this, and talk to my grandmother, and try to find a job whilst being a house maid.

September 2020

It's my girlfriend's sister's birthday. The pandemic has made everyone crazy by now. Including my girlfriend, her family etc. I'm cool as a cucumber. Except it's 103F degrees outside. I'm grilling out for a small group of her family for her sister, and I'm outside for hours, prepping for her sister, with my girlfriend, waiting on her sister to get to the park we had planned it for. What was she doing? Getting drunk, letting us do all the work for her, meanwhile her friends were showing up to her own party that she wasn't at. Ridiculous. So I grill out for hours, nobody says thanks other than my girlfriend. She tells me "Thanks for being so great, you're so great." I like to think I have been great. Turns out I got dehydrated from being outside in the heat all day and ended up getting sick. Went home and to bed. Girlfriend doesn't console me, instead has some family members and friends come over from the party, to get loud and drink. No consideration for my health. A day or two later, I get in huge fight with girlfriend saying she didn't give a d*mn about my health what I did for her and her sister etc. End up packing up all my stuff once again, and leaving. I was done. I signed up for a girlfriend not a girlfriend and a sister. If her sister was hot maybe, but not the case. I was done. I thought. But alas, we talked, she apologized, I apologized (again stupid of me) and we got back together.

October 2020

My favorite month. I love Halloween. So much I helped decorate my girlfriends place with stuff, and she said she never did this in her life. She had a bad childhood, and I don't think she ever really did FAMILY stuff that didn't evolve drinking or getting high etc. She really enjoyed it. We watched horror films all month, and she seemed genuinely happy. I was happy. Not with the living situation, but happy with her, and happy with life. I was still dealing with my grandmother. Not being able to see her thanks to the lockdowns had really put a damper on my spirit, but I never showed it around my girlfriend. She knew or claimed to know how much my grandmother means to me. But I don't think she ever understand what I really did for her or put up with just to help others. Everyday having to retell my grandmother why I couldn't visit her because of the pandemic, something she couldn't comprehend. It was killing me slowly again inside, but I dealt with it, because that's what men do.

Nov-Dec 2020

Things had been going well. I had been putting in job applications with no luck, but I was still keeping busy, hadn't let this pandemic crush my soul completely. My girlfriend was becoming more and more stressed, and drinking more and more. I was too. I also started to resent my girlfriend for leaving a mess every single day. It would take me 4 to 6 hours a day to cook breakfast and bag it for the girlfriend, clean the dishes, clean the house, vacuum, take care of the cats, make her lunch, do the laundry, clean the dishes again, rinse and repeat. It became exhausting. Her and her sister would just get drunk and spill something every single night. I would step into something sticky and it would drive me absolutely mad. Like living with children rather than grown up. Whatever, I love this girl, right? I'd do anything for her. She found a kitten end of November too. Rescued him when it was cold outside and we took him in. I loved the little sh*t and our other cat more than anything after losing my dog a year ago. Older cat would sleep with me in bed, and the little one I'd let out and play with in the day and he'd bite and claw me. How I miss that. My girlfriend however had grown distant. I noticed it more and more. She slept on the couch with one cat. I slept in our bedroom with another. Her sister was constantly interrupting us and putting a strain on our relationship. My sleeping pattern was changing and my insomnia was getting worse again. But I still loved this woman right?

Most of December though, we do alright. We talk about Christmas plans etc. I get her gifts that she says "Are the best gifts EVER" and a one year anniversary ring and she took them to her families house for Christmas to show off, and tell everyone how great her boyfriend was. She never met my family. I tried to get her to come to family events even during this CRISIS. Never met my family other than my brother and cousin. That's cool though right? I love this girl. Christmas day, I call my grandmother. Wish her a merry Christmas. Tell her I love her. She says merry christmas and I can't wait to see me again and come home. It kills me. Five days later my grandmother passed away. After being told she was sent to the hospital and would be okay, I got the call at about 9:45 pm from my brother saying she had passed. I had just fallen asleep from a long day, and this nightmare was not one I was prepared for. I immediately started crying and my girlfriend hugs me, askes if there is anything she can do. I say no. I leave to my grandparents house, and we all just cry. I don't get back home till 2 in the morning. She barely says anything to me. Rubs my shoulder, and I cry myself to sleep.

My grandmothers funeral was January 5th. I have missed talking to her every single day. My girlfriend sees me walking around like a zombie. I feel lost. She doesn't even try to console me. I cry every morning to myself while making her breakfast. I never let her see me cry. My girlfriend didn't goto the funeral because she had to work, and then tried to say I never asked her to come to the funeral after I told her I didn't know the funeral date till after her work schedule was made. Girlfriend seems more cold than ever to me. I needed my best friend she claimed to be. Just one day out of the past year I needed her for emotional support. Nope.

My girlfriend's birthday is a day after my grandmother's funeral. I get my girlfriend a birthday cake, and some gifts. She barely cares. I'm depressed as hell. She DOESN'T care. She says she wants to go out for her birthday etc. I'm depressed as hell. Have a lip/mouth infection that I tell her about, she dismisses it and just says I need to see a doctor. Thanks babe. That night she goes out. I don't go with her. Says she went to bar or some shit. I don't remember nor car. Comes home piss drunk, I don't care. For a week she ignores me. Doesn't ask how I'm doing. Nothing. I still continue my routine. Cleaning cooking, etc. She says he wants to go out again on a sunday for her birthday. I said you already had your birthday. Doesn't matter. She celebrates it all month apparently. She askes me to go with her I decline saying I'm not in the mood but to go enjoy herself. She leaves at 3 in the afternoon, dressed sexy as hell, doesn't come home till 10:30 at night from the "Bar." I stay up all night waiting for her to get home, she's p*ss drunk again, and I just goto bed. A couple night's later We have dinner watch a movie, everything seems okay again. I'm nodding off in the chair in the living room, because I haven't slept proper in weeks. I goto bed. I wake up 30 minutes later to her drunk sister and her laughing being loud. I text her to keep it down please. Didnt happen. An hour later. I text her again. Keep it down! She says she's trying and it's her sister. I said tell her to be quiet then. Continues to another hour. Can't sleep. Depressed. Angry. Tell her to please shut the f up! Girlfriend says okay. Text me back saying her other sister and brother in law will be here on saturday for her birthday (how many f*cking birthdays do you get!) and they will be loud so I should probably go back to my parents house. A house I haven't been in in a over a year. I said fine, I'm leaving in the morning. Packed my stuff up. Left. Didn't talk to her all day that day. Text her at night. She never answered. Called her. She kept making up excuses not to talk to me. I've seen this before. She then calls me at midnight saying she can talk. I say I'm going to bed. She breaks up with me the next day over text. Not like an adult. Over a text.

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I lost it. I freaking lost it.She said I wasn't bringing anything to our relationship, and seeing me act how I act over the loss of my grandmother was making her think I was a sinking ship basically. I said how can you be so cold? 3 weeks ago I was the best boyfriend ever. Now this. Betrayed. Stabbed in an already broken heart. I tried to talk to her. Why? She screwed me over? I loved her. I loved her. But what I didn't love was what she pretended to be. I realized she never cared about me or what was going on in my life. It was always about her and her family. So what did I do? I lost my shit. I blew up her phone and wanted to make her feel the betrayal and pain she gave me. I just lost my grandmother and this b*tch had the nerve to say I was the problem? And she made me believe I was. After all I did for her, and put up for with her and her crazy sister and family. I tried to talk to her and she ignored me. For a year and a half living with and loving this woman, and her feeding me bullsh*t whilst never asking for anything in return other than companionship. I lost her. I lost my cats. I lost my grandmother. All in a couple weeks. I wanted her to feel the pain I felt and the pain she had brought me. After her ignoring me, I finally got drunk and went back to our place to see she had a party going on. She was celebrating her birthday and the removal of me from her life. That is how it felt. To see the woman you loved, who you just gave an anniversary ring to, then stare at you like a total stranger whilst she is intoxicated and you're standing there looking like a emotional trainwreck. I just wanted answers as to why she would do this to me? It didn't matter at that point. It was over. And we both let it out on each other. I tried apologizing like an idiot. Just made it worse for me. She gave up along time ago. And now I'm just trying to put myself back together. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just work and drive and smoke cigarettes now. And she doesn't care. And never did. She's already moved on, loves her new life, new boyfriend I'm sure of. I should have seen the red flags. But didn't. Stay safe out there.

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Fin