Hey I am 25 male I would like to include Short backstory before talking about the issue

I am someone who is very sensitive and used to be very good guy who is socially & culturally correct but inside I am numb,I never spoke to any girl because according to culture it's wrong so I never had anything like normal college kid do it was just go there study and comeback I just did nothing and looking back there is nothing special to remember it's just plain with bit of lonely or sad experiences then after college I was in home for 2 years trying to make business & money through online and I did make good money but problem is I am all alone and hormone started Kicking in aswell I see my collegemates being in love,I see people outside in a park as couple,I see movie that includes romance,all of those things very basic which seems like everyone has it but so alien to me and worst is I didn't had even single friend to talk about it infact I never talked to anyone about my sexual desires but inside I am vividly imaginative and had wild fantasies.This inner conflict of how I want to be and how I am put me in to spiral of hollow depression,I lost the desire to make money,the money and things didn't made sense to me,I almost lost desire for everything and couldn't feel anything not even I could feel air touching my hand.

So when I was 23 I decided to change myself I forced myself out to gym and joined multiple classes,courses and I stopped saying "no" to anything whether I like it or not this lead me to couple of amazing experiences infact I talked to a girls for first time only when I was 23 (talked not relationship even now I never experienced relationship) though my social skill sucked and most people used me for my naiveness I still enjoyed and felt much better than depression I was in. By any means I didn't made any deep relationship with anyone because I never have and honestly I don't know how do even now, during my exploration time I had opportunity to go to china I gladly took and went there and tried everything and there I saw an massage parlour the women inside wearing revealing clothes,I have read about happy ending massage parlours I thought bit would be one though I am not 100% sure I entered without thinking and I went upstairs in to room in massage room, the room itself is very hot and not very tidy that lady brought a women up "the women looked like in her early thirties kind of had a body similar to dwarf(wide and short)" though her face is not ugly I didn't find her attractive.so I asked is anyone else there? She said "no" so I said "okay" then this women came inside and asked me to change clothes.so,I got in to my underwear and laid in the bed.Then she started massaging my back very roughly aswell with lot of pressure and then slowly moved down and did the handjob.The handjob itself is very good and she left but my problem was that was the first time I am exposing my body to someone else and my penis but the fact it was with someone I don't find attractive and she just did it as soon as possible and went away like it it's meant nothing hurts me because for me this is the first time I am being intimate with someone plus since it's first-time that memory gonna stay with me forever haunts me

I preserve my every first time memory and try to make it as memorable as possible but I couldn't believe I screwed up my first intimate moment,if someone else did anything to me atleast I can blame them but I brought this to myself makes me feel stupid and ashamed.