Dear male students, in order to execute most faithfully the directives of the Dear Colleague letter from our most beloved leaders; in order to expedite rape persecutions and because we're certain that you're probably going to try it anyway, we've chosen to adopt the 'guilty until proven innocent' standard, as devised below:

At the end of every semester, each female student will be given a questionnaire with the names of each male on it.

Beside each male name, the female students will check one of six possible answers:

Definitely did not rape or sexually harass or attempt to rape or sexually harass me or any of my friends

Probably did not rape or sexually harass or attempt to rape or sexually harass me or any of my friends

May not have raped or sexually harassed or attempted to rape or sexually harass me or any of my friends

May have raped or sexually harassed or attempted to rape or sexually harass me or any one or more of my friends

Probably did rape or sexually harass or attempt to rape or sexually harass me or any one or more of my friends

Definitely did rape or sexually harass or attempt to rape or sexually harass me or any one or more of my friends

Please note that a male graduation candidate may be considered for graduation only after each female on campus has checked "definitely did not rape me or any one or more of my friends" for that candidate.

Female students must note that they are not required to provide evidence when responding to this questionnaire.