so here's the deal, this is the only form on the entire internet i think i'll get the most from posting this. theres almost nothing on the internet i've found that's from a males perspective on this delicate subject.

last night i (23 f) unknowingly, and unintentionally, raped my boyfriend (24 m). you must know, i would never ever in my life hurt this man, and i love him very deeply. i can tell both of us have no idea what to think or do, and i have no idea what he is thinking as of this morning. we don't live together, so i'm at my house right now, and we haven't talked since i left his house this morning. i want to give him space, i guess thats the best thing to do right now. i really need help or advice or SOMETHING, because i'm loosing my mind.

So heres what happened: we went out with friends last night and had a great night! we get home around midnight, stay up for a bit watching tv, and then go lay in bed. he closed his eyes and fell asleep kinda fast. now in the past he has told me to wake him up with head before, and after hearing him moan in his sleep, i really wanted to surprise him or make him happy by doing that. so i started to rub and then suck his dick, which got him hard, but he never said a word or made a noise. eventually i came up and wanted to ride him, so i asked and after no response i decided to just lay down and go to bed. THEN he rolls over smiling at me with his eyes still closed, thrusting towards me, within 2 mins of me stopping. when i asked about continuing he said something, that i don't fully remember, but made me hop on top of him. he even told me to spit on it when i first hopped on. as i started riding him, i'm 99.99% sure he moaned and was moving. after a bit he started to cum inside me, with no warning to me (which is not normal, he is the "pull out king", he has never cum inside me before) and he freaked out slightly, pulling me upward off of him, like he normally would, and finishing on himself. afterwards, he kept staring at me so weirdly and wouldn't say what was up. so i finally went to bed, very embarrassed that it was weird because he came in me. i had NO IDEA i had just raped him.

next morning he gets out of bed early and gets dressed without saying anything. when he was brushing his teeth i tried to say good morning and ask if we should talk about the previous night. he said yes and had me start, after prying it out of him he finally said that he was totally asleep when i had sex with him, he didn't remember anything except waking up to cumming inside me, and that basically i raped him. then he left to get plan B, i took it when he got back, and after some awkward exchanges and silence, i left without even hugging him.

like i said, we have not talked all day, i planned on waiting for him to reach out. he didn't break up with me either. i just feel so disgusting and numb, i'm not sure how to feel. i explained all the signs he did give me, while asleep, to have sex with him before i left his house, along with how sorry i was and how much i love him. all the signs he gave were things he would have done if it were in the morning, or he was sleepy/sleeping, and he wanted to have sex. i've woken him up with head before too. i'm just so confused on where and what line i crossed, i know i crossed one. how will he ever trust me or feel secure with me again? will he even still love me after this? will he ever talk about this with someone or seek help? he's so introverted idk what he's thinking. thanks for taking the time to read and help.