Need help understanding this! Difficult subject that even google didn’t give me enough information on!

wolfgangweirdo · 2020-05-13T08:52:07+00:00

What are the emotional traumas you have to face during and after the relationship?

Abuse survivors have different experiences depending on type of abuse, duration intensity etc. Emotional trauma could range from anxious or avoidant attachment patterns to panic attacks. During the abuse, it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that what you're going through is not normal and not "love". It may be even more difficult to exit the relationship. It is difficult to seek help due to either lack is social support or stigma.

2) How do you trust your next partner you get into a relationship with?

3) How did your next partner (after the abusive ex) support you or get you to trust her?

Trust is something that develops overtime and it can't be forced. The most you can do is be understanding of their experience, listen to their problems and help them communicate. Sometimes instead of communicating the survivor might shut down conversation or display anger. So the partner has to establish that they're trustworthy and understanding and will help them work through the problems instead of either lashing out or abandoning them.

5) Did you ever find a safe space or outlet to talk about your experience? If so, where/ who?

Obviously therapy is an ideal space to talk about the experience as well as work through the issues you may face. As a partner you can encourage them to seek help if they are unable to open up to you. It's important to give them space and respect their boundaries. If you force them to talk about it then it doesn't help at all. Having open and honest communications, providing support and listening without trying to solve their problems, are a few ways you can help as a partner. However for long term resolves it's best to seek therapy for abuse.

It's important to note that all abuse survivors don't have the same behaviour patterns or experience of abuse so there isn't one single way to approach the issue.

lazyuser641 · 2020-05-13T12:21:16+00:00

I am a survivor of abuse. I endured emotional abuse, physical abuse, and had multiple false allegations against me. It took me 10 years to pull the plug and file for divorce.

Prior to my marriage I had never been abused, except for both of my prior girlfriends they each did slap me one time. I never thought anything of it as I was always accustomed to thinking that men get slapped in the face occasionally.

Boy was I wrong.

My soon to be ex-wife tried to destroy me. First week of dating she slapped me so hard my ear was ringing. 3 months later she slapped me again. 7 months later we were married. I took a job out of state and that is when she started alienating me from my family. She would call them up and tell them I was drinking till I was passed out and smoking crack. Both I have never done. She would sleep deprive me and just keep talking down to me for hours at a time where she would absolutely take me to my breaking point. She would hide my car keys so I couldn’t go to work the next morning saying I misplaced them in a drunken stupor. I’ve never blacked out, passed out or nothing. Always been responsible.

Then started the calls to police. She threw a knife at me and called the police saying I threw a knife at her. She would physically attack me in the middle of the night when I was sleeping to where I had no choice but to physically pry her off of me. I’ve had the police called on me over 50 times in a 2 year span. Luckily never arrested or charged.

On multiple occasions she would empty our bank account and many times I only found out when buying lunch with co-workers that my card would be declined.

She has punched me in the face in front of my friends on multiple occasions. We are talking cold clock knock out type punches.

She made false child abuse claims that I was teaching a 1 and 2 year old how to smoke marijuana. I stupidly agree to a diversion program to show I’m cooperating for the family. Big big mistake. One positive test for alcohol and boom kicked out of the house, only supervised visits. I didn’t even know I wasn’t allowed to not drink. It was only because I had a new daughter born that I drank as my friend took me out to celebrate. I was never typically a drinker. Maybe a couple times a week, but other times I’d go months without a drink it was nothing I ever thought about.

She would invite me back to live at the house and every time she got mad she would kick me back out. This vicious cycle continued on for 2 years.

She would tell my parents she had to go to a shelter to get food because I spent all the money on alcohol. My bank statements clearly showed that was a lie as I transfer her minimum 1k a month and I use up the rest of the money to pay all bills and the credit cards she would continually max out. That didn’t stop the nasty messages coming from my family that I was such a dead beat. On multiple occasions I’d get cut off from my family for months at a time.

Then she got better for about 2 years. It wasn’t perfect but at least the physical abuse and police calls stopped. The mental abuse was still there, but I still did not identify as abuse.

Well last year we got the chance to move back to my home state close to my family.

Things were going good, we were able to buy some land from her parents for 100k cash to help them out from a bind. The land is worth 500k. We took a loan out on the land to use as a down payment on a house where we are now living. Well as soon as the land was in her name it magically became an inheritance.

She says she wants a divorce and starts up her old games again. Would gaslight the hell out of me. Call up my parents telling them I’m breaking stuff in the house. Started telling them I was raping her. Well my parents and siblings all live within a couple of miles. They would come over and see a very different picture. They knew how hard I was working and her stories were making zero sense. I’ve never been in a fight in my life. Never hit anyone. The closet I came to even laying a finger on my wife was purely self defense so I could escape from the attacks.

I filled for divorce this past December. Temporary orders gave me full custody.

How did I manage to get out of this relationship? Being back close to family. They truly saw what I had been telling them for years. They were able to convince me to finally file for divorce.

It’s a nasty divorce too. We are up over 50k in legal fees. I have no money except for my job. I live paycheck to paycheck as I’m trying my best to pay my lawyer. I don’t receive child support as these are temporary orders. We make due with what we have. My only strategy is be brutally honest with my lawyer and let her do the leg work. Since December I’ve only had 4 nights without my 3 kids. They are between 4-7.

She thinks she is punishing me by her not seeing the kids. She will always tell me at the last minute she can’t pick up the kids on her time. I quit prepping the kids to even go see her.

She is sitting on over 50k cash. Has bought a new car, new boyfriend, new clothes, new everything. She is telling my extended family I kicked her out with nothing. To my knowledge I don’t think she has paid her lawyer. They are requesting me to pay all of the legal fees of which so far we are refusing.

She thinks a judge is going to award her full custody and alimony. If that happens it will truly be a travesty of justice.

I have found a new girlfriend. Too early to tell if it will work out long term but we seem to gel pretty good. I haven’t really told her my full story. I hate the stigma of knowing I’m a man that is a victim of domestic violence. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together because I can’t have any sleepovers so only time will tell if this will work out. She has been very understanding of my situation.

I do know that if a woman or man ever hits me again I’m calling the police and there is the fucking door.

My fault in this relationship with my soon to be ex is I allowed my every single last boundary get walked all over. I had no boundaries.

Now that I’m in a much better place I actually have boundaries . If you want to stay out until 3am with divorced woman, or guy friends no problem, but there is the door. I don’t care what kind of job you have but if your not paying your fair share, then there is the door. I’m not going to be someone’s walking atm machine. If she has kids no problem. Raise them, discipline them, and pay for them that’s not my job. I’m done having kids.

As far as trusting my new girl or any future girl I don’t think I really have a problem doing that. It’s a matter of if/when that trust is broken I need to stand up for my boundaries. Pussy is a dime a dozen. All you have to do is walk down the street and eye-fuck a few girls and one of them will except the offer.

So that’s my story. There is more horrifying details but this is the highlight of my marriage.

I think one thing that helped me is someone told me about married red pill about 4 or 5 years ago. I definitely saw improvement in the marriage but as they say the stay plan is the go plan and in the end I had to go. It was definitely hard to actually pull the trigger until I found unconditional support from my family.

It gets a lot better when you realize your own faults and I was a typical nice guy with no boundaries. Put that pussy on a pedestal and I paid dearly for it.

Happy trails to all out there.

Lethn · 2020-05-13T07:54:50+00:00

Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp is a the perfect case to look at for this kind of thing that you can look up immediately. If a rich actor like him can get attacked and abused by their partner it can happen to anyone.

Title	Need help understanding this! Difficult subject that even google didn’t give me enough information on!
Author	sweetsav13
Upvotes	0
Comments	3
Date	May 13, 2020 6:42 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/gitoeu/need_help_understanding_this_difficult_subject/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/need-help-understanding-this-difficult-subject.852634 https://theredarchive.com/post/852634

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