I'm a 32yo male with undiagnosed ADHD, this has come to light over that last year and currently waiting for a specialist (upto 3 years waiting list) I do have a psychiatrist appointment coming up at the end of this month thank god! ATM I feel unbelievably depressed, zero motivation, lethargic, low mood, unable to feel any happiness or excitement. My depression started during my last relationship with my mentally abusive EX, I was with her for 10 years and had 2 children with her. During the relationship she caused an unbelievable amount of fallouts in the family, pressured me into unsuitable jobs due to her obsession with money, controlling with the children and just a nasty pos literally no love not even towards our children, I don't remember a time where she cuddled our girls. Throughout the relationship I had so many mental health issues that was put down to clinical depression, I had community mental health service, psychiatrist, support workers all trying to work out what was going on with me, tried many many anti depressants, mood stabilisers, therapy and counselling, I also binged on Codeine, tramadol and anything that would make me feel better, of course my EX blamed everything on me and my mental health and at the time I just accepted it. Also I was diagnosed with Crohns disease at the age of 23 which gave me reason to get ample painkiller medication that make it spiral out of control no questions asked. For the next 7 or so years I had a stupid amount of medication and a disgusting amount of pain medication I was taking at the time I was in a mess, one temporary doctor briefly mentioned that I had ADHD symptoms and behaviour but at that point I was to far into addiction that I didn't pursue it then sadly, I just carried on in my own little world, unloved by the partner I was with and lost in my self. Then I met a woman (moved in next door) and started talking to her more and more, we understood each other, she talked to me on a level that I never had before, an understanding I never knew before and as time progressed I fell in love with her and she did we me. At the time I was unsure what was going on with me and confused as to the feelings I was feeling until I decided to pursue it. I ended it with my abusive EX and started seeing my now fiancée. At the beginning I was close to a friend who lived with me and I spent most of my time with him, I don't know if getting attached to people is also a ADHD symptom but he had a huge influence on me, I felt happy around him, he kept me motivated and distracted, I was also hugely influenced by my mums EX husband who also advised me to pursue my now fiancée, that was at the beginning until I fully left my ex, then it was a different story, my "friend" realised that me moving out of my ex's meant that he no longer had a place to stay and all my time was spent with her not him, he then changed his mind and started being against it all. Saying I couldn't leave my children etc etc same with my mums EX husband, I was mentally screwed. After a couple of weeks I ended it with her and moved back in with my ex for almost a year! In that time the love of my life fell unbelievably depressed and moved away back to Scotland, I fucked up big time. I still regret that and will until I die. That year was the darkest time of my life, numerous attempts at suicide, overdoses, reckless driving, I hated being alive. My "friend" 6 months after finally found himself a job (after living with me for nearly 2 years and not paying a penny towards anything) and moved out and it came out that he only advised me to leave my love so he wasn't homeless, I took this very bad and fell out with him, I've not seen him in 5 years now. Anyway the year had passed and it was Christmas time, I was miserable no joy, I pined for my lover I missed her so dearly. And then new years eve I decided to try contact her again, with success I decided to go and meet back up with her for a conversation but my soul wanted her so badly, I spent an hour or so on the way to meet her deciding what I was going to do if there was a chance we could get back together how to go about it. So it went well, I immediately went back home packed my bags and left my horrible ex! I got a small house at the other side of town and immediately started feeling happiness, something I'd not felt before, my now fiancée slowly moved in with me and all was bliss  I'd never been in love before, I didn't think that existed just in movies but no I was madly in love. I stopped all my addictions and medication! I was medication free for the first time in 10 years! Now this is what's happening I have now been with my fiancée 3 and half years and during that time my EX has stopped me seeing my children 3 times once for 8 months and currently not seen my babies since January so 10 months, this has slowly but surely send me back into depression but this time being almost sober I'm seriously struggling. Over the last year or so has been the worse, my fiancée is depressed and I know its because this situation is so stressful. My ADHD symptoms are so much more obvious now, my garage I full to the brim with unfinished projects my drive full of broken cars and same with my house, I'm distracting myself, I have found it difficult to even keep a friend, they come and go, I find it difficult to engage in a conversation as my mind wonders so much, I don't take anything in, my moods are up and down so much (mostly down) these days. I have been to the doctors and did a screening for ADHD and scored very high, so now waiting for a official diagnosis of adhd. Very long waiting list unfortunately. I am so unhappy and this time its not my partner its still my ex controlling me with the children, she still has a way to sink me into a horrible place in my mind and I am really struggling. I don't have any friends that have a understanding of what I'm going through and I feel stuck. I'm hating life right now, I wake up feeling depressed, I actually hate waking up, I don't know what to do with my self, I have zero motivation  I no longer get excited by anything, I'm just miserable. I'm draining my fiancée and don't know what to do. I'm now smoking cannabis and taking ketamine twice a week to try lift my mood, it was working a little for a short time but now not, I've just got these habits. I don't want to use anti depressants again as they didn't work the first time and just gave me so many adverse effects but I feel I need something and quick before I lose everything I love. I literally can't motivate myself to do anything, join any clubs or try engage with others. Not sure if this virus and lock down has contributed but I don't want to leave the house, I hate being where other people are, I'm full of anxiety, I have no finger nails left. I get annoyed so easily these days even with the few friends I have, I feel lost with no way back. I need help but don't know what help and from who, I just want to lay in bed watching boxsets. My days fly by so fast. I'm due in court for access to my children at the end of the month but a conversation I had with child services the other day has left me hopless. My ex has made out that I was abusing her during the relationship and because I smoke cannabis I'm not fit to see my children. My kids are my life and my happiness is real when I'm round them. The woman from child service spoke to me life I am a pos and sounded like she has sided with my ex, she is the one who is giving advice to the courts weather I should get my access back. I said to her I can't wait for court to be over so I can see my children and she responded with well we don't know if you will get to see your children as I haven't decided on a response yet!!! Why would you say that to someone who is struggling mentally with all of this! I'm finding this so hard and I'm lost. All my thoughts are negative and u feel so heavy at the moment. I guess I'm trying to reach out to someone who may have a similar experience and has worked something out, I feel like I'm slowly dieing inside and I love my fiancée and children so much I don't want to drag them down. Please help!