May come back to read this, may not, might just need to vent

I guess I'll tell my life story as succinctly as possible. I don't understand women and I'm just going to be as brutally honest as possible, I don't think I like them as people anymore wanted to see if there are similar themes with other people. A lifetime of dealing with them and my experience with them has just brought me to that conclusion and I'm not sure where to go from there.

From the start. My parents divorced when I was three because my mother had BPD and refused to do anything to keep a handle on it, and this was the mid-nineties so I don't even know if CBT was common. But she drove him away primarily with violence, all the way to Thailand where he became a successful Electrical engineer and I'd visit him a couple months out of the year.

I didn't have any siblings so it was just my psychotic BPD mom and I. She'd get emotional and tell me she should have aborted me, threw a DVD player at me once, threatened to burn the house down while I was asleep a lot etc. etc. basic crazy bitch shit. On top of this there was physical abuse. The actual abuse wasn't that big a deal, just go to a place in your head that doesn't hurt. It was the absolute lies from other women that hurt me, or feigning of ignorance. Twice, once in 1st grade once in 3rd grade, I showed up with very clear bruises on my arm and in 1st grade and tried to make it apparent to the teacher, she didn't care or didn't notice. In third grade the teacher did notice, but didn't call CPS, she called my mother directly then gave me a lecture on the hardships of being a single mother. So, there is my first lesson on women from women, their emotions will always be more important than mine to society, their emotions actually override my physical safety is what society believes.

That continued until I was about 13, I honestly don't have a lot of clear memories from before I was 13. That was when I broke her nose when she got physical with me one day. The cops got called, they did not give a damn that she had grabbed me first and I got booked. So second lesson, a woman can get away with hitting you but you are not allowed to defend yourself. She didn't press charges, but when she picked me up from where I was booked I just said "prison isn't so bad, wouldn't mind going if it means you never lay a hand on me again" Basically saying I will kill you if you touch me again.

Post-puberty the physical abuse was done because she knew I was bigger and stronger, and I was able to ameliorate the emotional manipulation. She'd say something like "Nobody loves me" and I'd respond "You're right, and that's your fault". She'd tell family members and they'd scold me over it. Lesson three, you, a man, saying hurtful things to a grown ass woman is worse than her saying hurtful things to a five year old child.

Fast-forward to high school and I start dating and I notice similar patterns. Their emotions are always more important, I can't be direct in my speech without them freaking out and me being blamed for hurting their feelings. I noticed they use the exact same language ("It's not what you say it's the way you say it" for example) that my mother would use, so my manipulative bitch sensors would go off and I'd disengage. To me, I was just avoiding being abused but people didn't understand that.

Didn't really date in college, just had too much on my plate and most women found me unattractive, but after I got my first gig as a software engineer I started dating again. I realized very quickly that most women only saw me as a utility ("What do you do for work?" is just a polite way of asking how much money I make). So, I just kept that in mind during dating and kept emotional distance until they actually saw me as a human and not as a utility, but that never came from most women and then the second I opened up at all emotionally to others, they ran. Apparently, even if you've been abused by your mother, you're supposed to maintain a good relationship with them. They literally told me that a man who doesn't have a relationship with his mother is a red flag. Lesson Four, EVERYTHING EVER IS YOUR FAULT. If I'm being held responsible for maintaining a relationship with my abuser, what else are you going to hold me responsible for doing? What else do you feel entitled to me doing.

Fast forward to now, I'm 29, make six figures comfortably, have my house paid off, still train MMA so I'm in good shape (no six pack, I'm not killing myself to get that I like Hot wings too much). What's funny is in the last six months I've gotten 7 voicemails from women I knew in college with the "Oh my god, you're doing so well, we haven't talked forever, let's meet up". It's so patently obvious what these women are doing, they are about 28 - 32 in age range, per their social media all single. So they're seeing that the guy they thought was quiet and weird in their party days grew up to be someone who is financially stable, owns his own home, has his own investments, and was able to find a group of friends who value him, ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M ATTRACTIVE, when all your other options didn't choose you. I'm not anybody's last choice and I'd rather die alone than be a last choice.

So, basically I've never had a positive experience with women that wasn't completely facilitated by me, but when left to their own devices, they abused me, abandoned me, berated me, blame me for other people's actions, and now want to use me. That's all I get from these experiences and I think I'd rather die alone at this point. Am I alone in this or are there people who feel similarly, what's your advice to not eat a bullet?

I'm not looking for pity, so say whatever you please. I may not respond to everything as this is somewhat a sore spot for me, but don't hold back.