(I posted and deleted this on a throwaway before it got any comments. Didn't see the point)

For some background, I am a female in my early 20s.

So far I'd say I've had a very hard time feeling secure in a relationship or even in any general context which is even remotely romantic. It's only recently that I am starting to wonder if my approach to dating and the way I weigh myself against potential partners might be peculiar or even abnormal.

I think that from the get go I can safely say that I have an obsessive tendency to compare myself to people. I've tried to observe what I do this with the most, and it seems to be mostly in terms of intellectual or knowledge-based or monetary accomplishments, with physical appearance coming second. Things like social life, popularity or background (culture, how privileged he was) remain irrelevant.

So whenever a situation arises where I might be able to pursue something with a guy, the first thing my brain begins to do is compare all my accomplishments with his. If he's graduated with a 4.0, I'd better have graduated with a 4.0. If he has a six pack, I'd better be shredded. If he makes over $75k a year, I'd better match up, or I'm not worthy. If he's having a debate with me and making intelligent points, I better be equally interesting.

And once I've deemed myself as unworthy, I'll become extremely insecure in the relationship. I'm not sure if it's a fear of judgement by the guy or fear of becoming a burden. (I can also truthfully say that I am very emotionally open and can be vulnerable around people easily, so there's a chance that I have a subconscious need to make sure I have as much to bring to the table as he does, since he will probably be dealing with my BS on a regular basis)

The constant talk here of hypergamy (or the general idea of allowing my partner to provide even a penny for me) is just completely alien to me. I never let guys pay for dates, lol.

And incidentally, I'd say my hobbies and interests are on the more cerebral side (reading, writing, history, politics) so I tend to attract a lot of very driven and well-read guys. But my inferiority complex keeps getting in the way and I end up screwing up my chances with them or rejecting them before they can reject me. I have no issues initiating, buying drinks, or making the first move. But if I'm intimidated I'm also too quick to throw in the towel.

Over the course of a few years, it's gotten to the point where I'm only attracted to men I can feel somewhat superior to, who I wouldn't mind being rejected by -- ex. I have a STEM background and will make more money than most people my age -- but I don't find myself attracted to guys who might make more, because the insecurity preemptively kicks in. And that just provides a basis for a relationship built on a false sense of ego/power from my end, which is obviously problematic and not fair to the guys -- not to mention that we're most likely fundamentally incompatible in the first place if my attraction to them stems from some perverse notion I have of having a bigger dick.

I also tend to be attracted to older guys, so I can use the age difference as something of a scapegoat for not being as accomplished, lol. That is differently problematic.

None of my friends (male or female) relate to this, and they all think I'm being an idiot turning down perfectly good people. I agree that this mindset is debilitating (beyond just dating) and that I am basically shooting myself in the foot.

I was wondering if I could use this sub to check if anyone relates or has experience dealing with this kind of thought process. Is this just a common human tendency, or more of an issue specific to me? Has anyone here (men/women doesn't really matter) dealt with anything similar?