What has your actual lived experience/ challenges with dating been like?

Sharp-Direction9654 · 2026-06-11T01:38:23+00:00

Basically, a constant uphill battle where no effort ever makes a difference.

I've always wanted a long-term relationship, and I'm more than willing to put in the effort for it, learning how to initiate, how to read people, how to help my chances, but no one wants to have a relationship with me no matter what I do.

I've installed every dating app, put my best pics, made a nice bio, and I'm still basically invisible. Only about one like every three weeks, sometimes it'll be several months without a single one. Think about that. Four whole months without a single like. Even when I do get a bite, the conversations end with me being ghosted.

Outside the apps it's not any better. All of the same problems, but worse.

In total I've been on a total of 4 dates in my life. I've had to do all of the work to initiate all of them, plan them, and keep her interested. Even when I think it's going well and she says she had fun, it's not long before I get ghosted anyway.

After how impossible it's for me, it really does spark resentment hearing women gloat by saying "just go outside, just take a shower, we're literally only asking for the bare minimum." It hurts putting your heart and soul in only to be told you're failing at something that's so easy for everyone else. I have to remind myself not to let it get to me.

I really don't know what I'm missing where I can't even get into one real relationship after all this time. I have friends, hobbies, dedicated years to improving my social skills, live a healthy lifestyle, I've tried making my autism, I've tried not masking my autism. None of it changes anything. All I really know is that whatever it is women want, I don't seem to have it.

brassbuffalo · 2026-06-11T02:07:33+00:00

I'm 5'5. I didn't list my height on the apps. I'd get a handful of matches every few months. I noticed that eventually they'd ask my height and then slow fade me or ghost me. I stopped using apps. I fare slightly better in person but I've still been told I'm too short in a variety of different rejections and "ending-things" conversations. Despite all that, I have to deal with people, especially the women in my life, insisting that appearance isn't everything. People will say it's obvious on this sub, but IRL everyone insists they'll overlook (pun intended) my height cause I'm so funny 🤡

That's just one example of challenges.

New-Concentrate935 · 2026-06-11T01:18:16+00:00

I genuinely feel like women do not like me that way like ever. I keep trying to be as good as possible regarding being open minded supportive and all that, I just become the "gay guy friend" and it's annoying.

I've never been good at approaching, considering that I would prefer dating someone I know already instead of throwing baits in the ocean and pray. I've also asked a lot of tips to female friends I have, some of them say I just need to keeo doing what I am doing and be patient, others say I should approach women with the intent of straight up dating instead of becoming their friend first.

For sure I have no game, I am dead average in the looks department and being 24 I know most women are not enthusiast about that I feel like I am doing something wrong.

I honestly am falling in the idea that my looks are not just good enough and that I probably am overrating myself even if I consider myself like a 4 or 5. People enjoy talking with me tho from what I can tell.

I don't want to invakidate your experience but do you consider yourself above average? The description you give of you and your friends issues being nothing crazy sounds strange to me.

I have friends that date and honestly I am the only one without a gf now, they just are attractive honestly, I genuinely believe it changes much, also I am not really willing ti conpromise on my standards, the only woman that seemed interested in me was an obese women, I thanked her but gently rejected. I feel like I just don't understand women at this point, at least not enough to date them.

At the same time I feel like, I don't want to attack you in any way, your reality is not that "standard", most people I know apart from like 2 individuals that are specifically above average in attractiveness are struggling/have struggled a lot in dating. I mean that I remember when they were on the "hunt" and most of them could not get anything in like 2+ years of trying, that is not something that seems to be easy lol.

WebNew9978 · 2026-06-11T05:50:27+00:00

In my 31 years of living (or 15-16 years of dating), no woman has ever given me the subtle hints of interest women put out. I've seen other guys get these hints from a woman. Some l've helped realize what was happening. Other times I was telling the guy "you blew it with her" and the sense of regret comes by for said guy.

Those hints men have seen or received from women have never ever come my way. l've never had a guy tell me that I blew it with her and never have felt the regret of missing out.

Now along with this, anytime I did try to approach or ask a woman, I was met with nothing but constant rejection over 10+ years. The women l've asked gave me answers from not being attracted to me, interested in someone else, not ready/interested to date (both in a truthful and lying way), Body language of don't approach, threatening, me to call the cops, etc. My dating life is nothing but constant rejection along with being а KHHV guy.

I have to act like I'm asexual and aromantic when out in public. I basically can't approach anybody to show romantic interest in them anymore. I can't flirt because women have a body language of don’t bother me vibe to them and the times I did try to flirt, I was met with negative reaction from them. I respect it their decisions now and don’t really try anymore. I feel so alone in so many ways because nobody around me can really relate or understand the anger, depression, sadness, defeat (I’ve even had others elsewhere online mention the same.) The only one who could relate to my feelings with all of this have been found online. Cause each I tried finding in them in person, all I kept finding was people with SO’s.

Now these same men I’ve mentioned have for years told me the whole generic and dogshit self improvement advice. Advice that I listened too and followed at one point and nothing changed.When you're universally ugly and autistic, women assume the worst about you because they know they can tell something is off about me but aren't sure what, thus the fear of unknown kicks in and it becomes a fight or flight response for them.

I’m also beyond touch starved as well. The last time a woman who wasn’t from my family even platonically touched me was over a year ago (or even two) and it was basically a pat on the shoulder for my birthday. All of this can all be and is indeed very depressing. I know there’s no solution or answers to any of this. I understand that life goes on and I have to as well no matter how I or anyone for that matter feel.

TLDR: Nonexistent dating and sex life, being depressed because of it and watching everyone around me have one.

aslfingerspell · 2026-06-11T00:00:52+00:00

In order for dating to happen, there needs to be

Women in my age range who
That I can meet
Are single and willing to date at all.
are attracted to me specifically.
that I am attracted to
that can logistically work out.
that are otherwise compatible

All of these fronts face issues

The average age of adults in the US is 47. To put this another way, "dating as a 20 something" starts out with the fact that the average adult is actually twice your age. In college you walk into a cafeteria and everyone is 18-25. Go out to eat for lunch after graduation, and you see middle aged and elderly people everywhere.
The school/academic life is something I really miss. Colleges are basically like islands in rural areas or enclaves within cities. It's a closed, almost artificial ecosystem of human connection: clubs, sports, public transport, and all sorts of fun and togetherness with people who are basically identical to you in age and lifestyle. Compared to "real world" adulthood, it's practically Neverland or some other fantasy realm. Plus, there's a huge cultural permission/expectation to date in college, whereas in the adult working world it flips to "don't date coworkers", so more or less a whole third of my day is in a place where it's not socially, financially, or legally safe to try to date around.
People begin to pair up or burn out as they get older. I have to consciously scan for wedding rings, and that just eliminates already-married people. There's always a chance someone might be in a serious relationship with no ring yet.
I have lost weight, gained some strength, started skincare, got new clothes, etc. but I have simply never been attractive to women. I don't notice any difference in attention I get no matter what I do.
My baseline standards of "around my age" and "not overweight or obese" already make me looking at a minority of a minority of US adults.
Post-graduation adulthood makes people spread out. You're no longer on a college campus with thousands or tens of thousands of peers within walking distance. You could match with someone who's 40 miles away as an adult, and then have to figure out all the trains, buses, subways, ridesharing, walking, parking, and so on. The days of just being able to walk to someone's dorm are over. My first and only girlfriend was pseudo-long distance (hour drive away) and it was hard because nothing could ever be casual. A 2-hour round trip at minimum basically meant we had to block out a whole day with each other to make it worth it.
Mid to late 20s is when people seriously begin to start thinking about marriage and family, and that's just not my thing. There's also religion, politics, rural vs. suburban vs. urban living, food allergies (yes this can come up), night owl vs. early bird, level of acceptable cleanliness, belief or rejection of gender roles, introversion vs. extroversion, and all the other various things that can make two people otherwise not work out.

gtbreddit1 · 2026-06-11T01:36:27+00:00

Only ever gotten interest IRL from unattractive girls. Like mega unattractive. One of them I couldn't even tell whether they were male or female when I first met them.

Pretty much all attractive women make it painfully obvious how uninterested in me they are. Things like waitresses/baristas wiping their smile off their face the moment we make eye contact, female coworkers pretending not to hear me when I've talked to them, I regularly get conversation ending responses whenever I talk to attractive women. I'm not sure I've ever had a positive social interaction IRL with an attractive woman in my life. They legitimately act frightened when they interact with me.

I don't know what different "dating approaches" I could've tried. The most likely avenue for success for someone like me is to be in an environment that puts me in regular contact with women, so that they may come to like my personality over time, since my looks will never be the reason a woman is interested in me. I was in those environments in school, college and in the job I had for several years after graduating. Not once did this result in an attractive woman being interested in me.

Online dating just gets me bots, girls trying to promote their onlyfans, and unattractive women.

I've known some girls online who have ended up liking me, one of whom I actually found attractive. But she lived in a different country, and she was very explicit about the fact that she wouldn't have sex with me unless we were in a relationship. I knew her for three years and spoke to her most days for the better part of that period. It ultimately ended because I felt she wasn't actually attracted to me. Looking back on it I can see she was only interested in me because I jestermaxxed hard.

Online communities shaped my opinions in one specific way, which is in what physical traits women find attractive in men. When I was in school and through most of college I knew in an abstract sense that I clearly wasn't attractive because of how girls reacted to me and that I only got interest from unattractive ones. But when I looked in the mirror I thought I looked average, I couldn't really "see" what was supposedly unattractive about my face. It wasn't until I found the you-know-what-pill that I could actually see what made my face unattractive.

Ill-Investigator9546 · 2026-06-11T05:44:38+00:00

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Sexually impressing women.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

That women expect men to be everything and do everything

Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

Being sexually rejected despite trying my hardest. Watching a woman lose attraction to you in real time during sex is soul crushing

LysanderAegis · 2026-06-11T08:03:23+00:00

I'm from (Western) Europe, so my experience may differ from others.

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

I wouldn't say dating has been challenging for me, yet this doesn't mean I slay left and right either. I've had gfs and flings. I'm currently in a serious relationship with my gf.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

Genuine attraction cannot be negotiated. Physical appearance matters and helps more than conventional wisdom admits. Revealed preferences crush stated preferences. People sometimes don’t know what they like until they see it. Familiarity helps a lot but you still need to have some baseline qualities.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

No, always the same: casually meeting people in real life and letting things develop as they will. Casually meeting dooesn't mean 'cold approach', btw.

Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

No.

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

I wouldn't say they influence it, but they reaffirm what I see and live through.

Usual-Vermicelli-867 · 2026-06-11T12:29:01+00:00

I kinda reached the conclusion that im just naturally undersible..and the reasons are core parts of my personality that I cant change.

The challenges ? I just dont have sexuli attractive personality..i absolutely can be friendly or a pall

I had many female palls / friends in my life..not a single one ever ever felt sexuli attracted to me

What i tried to do differently..in online dating I tried to do my best. Best pictures Best bio Best entros but proactive..only got in years 4 date. Never a second date..ever

Irl .tries to expand my social ciricl3 tried to go out more to experience more..lost weight gained new hobbies tried hobbie groups (people who tell you hobbies groups are a solution are lying ) went to mental halp went to a life coucher

Nothing. Nothing halped

Something that was a majore accourence in my life that change me ? Being in loved with my best friend for 2 years straight (pretty much out intire relationship) and understanding she will never see me more then a friend..so i had to cut her away from my life (kinda easy because she didn't even try to keep.it..which told me that I was lesser then a friend to her )

How the net shaped my opinion? Its mainly gave them form..its was all formless and with out order. A mish mash of ideas..reading about it and hearing other people stories gave it form

In the end..im a friend..more so a pall.kinda..that's who Im..what im..i cant change it. Which means I have 0 sex appeal..and by that there is no reason to try more.. just find a way to truly expect defeat and somehow to continue on

Steps I did..stopped going to uni social events and pubs/ clubs. I hate seeing all my palls and randos love doby with each other..and I know i will get nothing exepct loosing money.

Started taking anti depressants.. stopped my panics attacks and lowerd my labido

Starting projects to focus on.

Enjoying my new pc..planing a trip

Actually trying to make my family shut up about tue subject

Barely-moral · 2026-06-11T01:28:28+00:00

Lets try to make a long story short enough to be read but with enough info to be somewhat useful.

First thing: I met my partner 10+ years ago. I don't have problems with dating currently so I am going to speak about the times before.

I was raised on platitudes. "There is someone out there for anyone" "Just be yourself" "Be a good man and eventually you will meet her"

I had no reason to trust on my inexperienced eyes over the people that are supposed to care about me and my future. Obviously it didn't work.

I was not attractive. I was below average in all metrics. Status, social skills, looks, fitness, no ambition at all and no interest in improving.

For reasons I don't understand being outside a LTR makes me suicidal. It is a slow erosion that eats at my will to live.

Out of highschool, working for minimum wage because I wanted a mindless task, rejecting help from my family because their help would come with the exepectation that I would climb up the ladder I had enough of being rejected and/or ignored. I realized that I was going to die if I continued that way.

I said "fuck it" if I can't do it while being myself might as well do it being everything I am not.

College, a better job even if it came with expectations, lived frugally spending everything I didn't need for bare necesities. Gym, martial arts, changes in feeding habits. Forced myself to socialize. Went to therapy to extend the period of time I could stand being outside a LTR.

Skip a few years of improving while hating every single second of it.

Mid 20s. Now a lawyer, got my own home, a degree, a career, social skills, fit. Everything I am not and everything I hate. But now I have what women want.

Now I move in places in which I am considered a candidate. Got a few women interested in me. Not in me to be fair, on the mask I wear, the things I have, the things I do. But not alone at least.

Realized quickly that those women are the exact kind of women that rejected me before I improved. That is a negative. Realized that they would leave the moment I stop performing to the level they want and I would find myself alone and older.

I didn't like how that sounds. Decided that I needed to find a woman that would have the correct incentive structure. Someone that can't find anyone better than me that is also attracted to her and somoene that can't get the life they want without my help.

Went to a homeless shelter, women there would fit the description. Vetted a few. Picked one. Offered a simple deal: I will provide her with the life she wants and can't get without me as long as she provides me with the life I want and can't get without her.

Negotiations happens. An agreement is written. Accepted.

A decade later we are still together. I still have to do everything I hate just to be able to fulfill my side of the deal, but I would have to do that to remain attractive anyways. At least now I have a relationship that does not end with someone that does not have a better option in life other than staying.

Life is good. Compared to what was before. The price is high but nothing good in life comes for free. Not for men at least.

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

I am not attractive. What I do, what I have and my performance are.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

What/who I am does not matter at all. All that matters is how I am percieved.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

Yes. All yielded similar results before my improvement. All yielded similar results after my improvement.

Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

Wanting to die forced me to improve. Seeing how women were interested only on the performance forced me to consider incentive structures while dating. I can never fully trust someone that only cares about the falsehoods I wear over what I am.

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

I found TRP after I met my partner. It helped me improve our relationship. Learning how to deal with women as the oldest teenager in the house was a game changer.

SoldierExcelsior · 2026-06-11T01:14:34+00:00

I'm a Redpilled, Blackpilled m.g.t.o.w. I studied to understand female nature,I know looks,status and wealth are the most important things in dating as a man,I know longer date or approach women. I use dating apps for research but I don't pay for them or have any expectations.I focus on my health and wealth and social status so I can live a live a life of abundance through finnancial freedom..and I've primarily achieved that.

- What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Women aren't interested in me, or just want to use me.

- What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

Ghosting, usuary, or just being ignored

- Have you tried dating with different approaches?

I have decades of trying online and off,online is pointless maybe 4 dates in 20 years..offline was better I mostly got approached except once where I approached.

- Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

What change? My dating life hasn't changed in decades other than I get approached less and I dont approach at all offline atleast.

- Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

They just confirmed my theories I wouldn't say influenced since I've been around longer than online spaces.

It's possible they did convince me to give up hard to say,that could also have been a natural evolution of things.WIthout onlne spaces would I still be out cold approaching women like it's 2003 probably not...online spaces gave cemented my belief that looks are the most important thing and if you don't have the right looks you're out of the game period as far as receiving love affection and desire from a woman,for sex theres p2p in abundance.

AutisticRats · 2026-06-11T01:27:46+00:00

- What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?
I don't like sex as much as most people. I also am bi, which is a big turnoff for most women.
- What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?
Everyone always says I didn't do anything wrong. "It's not you, it's me" is such a cliche, but I've heard it from the 3 of the 5 people I've ever dated or been in a relationship with. Of the remaining two, one was far too negative to be a life partner so I didn't ask for a second date and made it a friendship instead. The other I am still dating so I can't tell what the future will bring.
- Have you tried dating with different approaches?
I started with apps to get dates and switched to reddit to find a date. My only long-term relationship (12 years) was with my best friend so there really wasn't a dating process. This meant I had to learn to date in my mid 30s since I had never went on a date prior to that. The apps aren't too bad, it just takes me a long time to find anyone I would want to date.
- Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?
After my very short-term girlfriend broke up with me, I decided I needed to look for someone more suited for me. So I switched to using reddit. I also started only dating other asexual people which has been a big improvement. I am ok with sex, but I much prefer it as a possible option, not as a cornerstone of a relationship like some people wish to treat it.
- Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?
Yes, I have better understood my asexuality due to online spaces, and I realize that there are others like me.

Gravel_Roads · 2026-06-11T01:39:39+00:00

When I was younger, I was super awkward from moving around a lot (I went to a different school every year between 3rd and 10th grade). I acted out, got in a lot of fights, argued with teachers etc.

But I didn’t like always being an outcast so I very deliberately worked on learning how to be social and fun. I worked at being calmer, using humor, not getting offended, letting things slide and knowing when to not bother worrying about things I couldn’t control.

By the time I graduated, I could strike up a fun conversation with a stranger at a bus stop.

I moved around, met a bunch of different people and interesting enough, I never needed to “try to date”.
I met enough people ambiently that it was just inevitable that some of them liked me and I liked them back that I was generally always dating someone

Bitter-Hat-4736 · 2026-06-11T02:46:11+00:00

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Me having astronomically high standards.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

Everything, even and especially the actions of others, is my fault.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

Yes.

Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

The previous times failing.

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

Of course. Women, and other men, have told me that I am doing something wrong.

Legal_Implement_5098 · 2026-06-11T00:06:19+00:00

Dating isnt worth it if you are below a 8/10 in looks, you will just have to go through endless ghosting and other humiliation rituals.

Also depends on why are you trying to date, if you are dating bc you want a wife and kids, you are gonna have serious problems especially in younger age groups.

If you just want sex, and you got a high paying job, you are better off paying for it, hookers/Sugarbabes, the ROI of dating as a sub 8/10 in looks male doesnt math.

Gemini_zyx · 2026-06-11T07:49:56+00:00

So keeping it brief, for most of my adult life is struggled with depression and social anxiety. I got a diagnosis of Asperger's (no longer used I think) at the age of 22. I am now 31 and have never had a partner.

Dropping out of university I found myself without any social connections to use to help me engage with social events. I have no local friends (my brother and a couple of online friends I play DND with don't live near me)

By around 25 i started using dating apps for periods of time, often a few months before taking a break as they affected my mental health. I have never had a conversation on any of them. They have been silent.

I have also tried attending some daring events in person. I live in a small town so it means going to the nearby city, a hours travel each way by car and longer by bus. My attempts at signing up for speed dating, once it was cancelled as I arrived in the city, the next time a week before the event the company folded. I haven't tried again.

I have attended a couple of mixed singles evenings. For the first few my social anxiety was too great to actually speak to any women. For the recent one's where I have the women seemed pretty quick to excuse themselves to get a new drink.

Separately I have been trying to find irl communities to make friends in. Despite trying for years the groups I have attended have felt more like activity groups where I go to, chat a bit but people are not really friends.

I am aware that I shouldn't expect much from my experience. Social anxiety and depression means It's less I have been rejected by women but more not really seen. However, the constant fight to try and make any form of connection and still feeling isolated makes keeping trying exhausting. I am currently reducing how much I try because I lack the energy with work to keep going.

I have pretty much accepted that I won't have a partner for the foreseeable future. Sorry it wasn't as brief as I thought.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2026-06-11T11:50:10+00:00

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Like basically all men, everywhere, in the History of Ever, I like very attractive women in their 20s, and I am in my 50s.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

This doesn't affect me so much because I waste no time on dating women who are never going to have sex with me, plus I am good at building rapport, but there's a lot of bitchy, narcissistic entitled women out there. It used to be that guys a woman wasn't interested in would get a polite "no, thanks." In the 00s that turned into her having to DESTROY the guy. Now a guy can get dragged on social media for it. It could also be that there is a subset of guys who are bad at taking no for an answer.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

I figured out what works for me - identify the signs of Girls Who Are Into Me (or likely to be) - I have an "in" with most tall girls as I am a tall guy, and brainy introvert girls seem to like me a lot and want to show me their inner sex goddess - and then I stuck to what worked, and I'm pretty happy.

Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

So I'd been gassed up on Nice Guy Theory^TM and being a bit of a White Knight^TM but I figured out early that I wasn't getting the results I wanted. But you know who was? Assholes (which are basically guys pursuing their own goals without apology) and Jerkbois. Men who guys like me were expressly told NOT to be like. Those guys were drowning in puss. Or so it seemed to me. So I went back to the lab, restarted the experiments, and came out as a "Good Guy, With an Edge to Him." Benefits have been substantial.

TurkTruther · 2026-06-11T14:21:15+00:00

I was raised in a semi religious but practically conservative household. To me sex was something quite big, and I struggled to enter into relationships because I could see issues down the road with women and didn’t really want to hurt them.

My biggest issue has been that most other men don’t really care about that and are fine using women. I frankly think most men are disgusting individuals with zero moral sense.

Had a couple relationships. Longest one was a disaster and reinforced my belief that the sexual patterns the media shows are toxic and harm everyone involved except an extremely narcissistic man at the center, the sins of the father shall be passed down for 70 generations.

Worked a job in social services and got to see the long term consequences of people preferring freedom and pleasure over commitment and sacrifice, and frankly I resent television and the media in a way that’s hard to convey because of it. People really act out what they see and adopt the message contained inside it uncritically, with the end result being disastrous for everyone involved except the producers.

In another relationship now with a girl who is very sweet and innocent and kind. I love her very much and i plan on marrying her.

I believe that Christian virtues are actually just extremely practical. I’m not red pilled on women btw, they are usually just very susceptible to manipulation by the media and are told to throw away their virtue early and often because it’s the masturbatory fantasy of a bad writer. I’m red pilled on “the media”.

I would like to see a battle similar to that which occurred in Stalingrad take place in Los Angeles. The booming of artillery echoing off the mountains. Panicked “people” fleeing for shelter and escape. I really respect the people of Compton for this reason. They deserve a medal for introducing the chatter of the submachine gun into the lives of millionaire degenerates who profit off such destructive filth.

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coochie4sale · 2026-06-11T02:08:44+00:00

I’ve had a overall decent-ish experience with dating. I say decent-ish in the sense that I can get dates pretty easily, I have been asked out by both men and women, and if all else goes well, I can generally speaking attract people just by going through the motions in my daily life (dating apps, work, school). I’m not unconfident in my ability to attract.

The issue is that it generally falls apart when actually trying to form anything resembling a relationship. My last talking stage ended pretty abruptly 1.5 weeks after the 3rd date, when she said that she had to focus on school, and before that I had another promising talking stage fall apart after the 3rd date, because they mentioned they wanted to adopt and not have children biologically. The one-and-done dates don’t really hurt that much, because it’s not like there’s been significant investment, but having multiple 1.5+ month quasi-relationships where you invest a significant amount of time, money, and emotions only to get nothing in return sucks a lot. It’s caused me to take a step back from dating, because there are other ventures (career, school, friends, fitness) where the payoff is a lot more certain. I don’t hold anything against the women, they gave it a good ole college try, but having significant chemistry with multiple women only for it to not materialize into a relationship for reasons out of your control is frustrating.

It’s a better problem to have than not being able to attract at all, but it’s exhausting and has sapped a lot of the energy I once had for dating.

matthedev · 2026-06-11T02:57:26+00:00

I currently don't live in an area with a high density of singles, and when I did, I spent the vast majority of that time in a long-term relationship. Everything is downstream of demographics and location, so sure, hobbies, volunteering, and all the rest are great; but they can only do so much if the dating pool is small to begin with. The metro area has a population of just under 3 million, so theoretically, a compatible partner should exist, but the reality is most people got married young here.

I found, while traveling, there are lots of cities where friendly, attractive single women practically come out of the woodwork. I'm just in the wrong city for dating and in the wrong city for a bunch of other aspects of life. So I'm looking to move.

I was a socially awkward nerd when I was younger: in my teens and twenties especially. Getting fitter and more athletic, things I really leaned into during the pandemic, made a drastic difference: things like waitresses wanting to comp an appetizer or dessert, being approached by a minor celebrity, women checking me out, women being excited to talk to me, that kind of thing. It still takes practice learning to flirt and talk to a woman you don't know, but when the woman is already attracted to you, she'll be more forgiving of minor social flubs, and they'll find your jokes much funnier.

I'm in my forties now; when I was in my twenties, people were talking about "PUA" (pick-up artists), which was basically the predecessor to the "red-pill." I never got into it, but friends of friends and occasionally other guys I might run into at a random meetup would be into that sort of thing.

I think there's a steep drop-off from sane, actionable advice, including describing the mechanics of flirting to people who might be neurodivergent or otherwise disadvantaged in social skills, to manipulative or frankly abusive tactics and retrograde gender ideology.

AggravatingFlow1178 · 2026-06-11T04:04:35+00:00

For actual lived experiences affecting me, a cishet man - it's mostly pretty tame & boring. I'm currently married but we took a break several years back so I weirdly have recent dating experience. (We're together again and everything is great 👍 )

- What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Mostly finding people that are at least moderately compatible and plausibly interested without just hitting on everyone I see. The first date is by far the hardest part. After that it gets way easier.

- What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

Most women that are interested in dating are about as insecure and worried as men.

- Have you tried dating with different approaches?

I tried apps & bars & 'just do your hobbies and find someone that shares them'. The hobby thing was a joke because my specific hobbies are isolationary, hiking, backpacking, video games. "Hey cutie, want to go disappear in the mountains for 2-3 days without cell coverage?" won't get you very far, and approaching anyone you stumble across isn't any better. I'm sure if my hobbies were volunteering at the dog shelter I would have had a great time but alas, that isn't me.

I met one person on a app, they were sweet and everything but we had nothing in common. I met multiple people at bars, but they were generally just fishing for free drinks. I'm not the most socially adept around but I can tell real interest from 'just enough to keep you buying' interest.

Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

Not sure exactly what you mean

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

No not at all, I don't take anything on here that seriously. All it did was reassure me that apps are predatory dead ends.

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nonedat · 2026-06-11T09:11:38+00:00

To sum it up: my biggest problems have always been logistical. I never went to uni - which turned out to be one of the best choices I ever made though it does have one or two critical drawbacks, not being surrounded by women being one of them. And when it came to work and third spaces, people I was interested in never really showed up a lot in person. I have also always hated online dating / apps because frankly ever since their inception I always found them to be stupid.

I've only been on 4 first dates, I'm 27 now.

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Aside from the logistical challenge and women generally not being around - I would say being a normal guy from 20 years ago, being into video games and having typical male hobbies and not being able to relate to the vast majority of women in terms of interests, music etc.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

Women have definitely become more aware of any type of strategy or when you do anything for the sole purpose of "increasing attraction" or what not.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

Were there specific experiences that shaped your mindset?

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

These three all pretty much have the same answer: I once followed a guy who is both a dating / relationship coach and a location-independent business guru. I thought he had some legitimacy since he's not like the other RP / manosphere type guys although he did come from that world, and he was more of the rational ones. I was reading a book of his back-to-front in preparation for a date with a girl I met on a travel tour - she was exactly it in terms of looks and we got on quite well during the trip. I ended up bottling it, made the whole thing feel unnatural and contrived and I felt like a piece of shit some time afterward. It doesn't help that I'm generally the demonstrative / sexually submissive type so it was quite out of character for me.

I hate to instigate the cliché "just be yourself" meme but it can and does still work and IMO it is better than the feeling of having to press a few buttons in the right order so that you "won" her.

Ok-Ninja-8165 · 2026-06-11T11:28:58+00:00

Hardest thing is to meet new people. Everything else is easy mode. Reading signals is easy, dating itself is easy, long-term relationships are trivial. Women usually find me attractive by some reasons. But finding somebody to meet first time just to check if there's any interest could easily take half of the year or more. And in most cases it won't go for more than one date because no mutual interest is found. Even creating my own friend group and being guy who organize everything and invite others didn't really help.

At least it stopped being an issue 12 year ago.

RycerzKwarcowy · 2026-06-11T12:01:58+00:00

My experience comes from time when swipe-based apps like Tinder didn't exist, but online dating flourished on sites like eharmony.com or similar. Without them, I'll be completely screwed because of my social and economic background, despite studying in large city.

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-11T20:47:01+00:00

I’ve generally had a pretty healthy and positive dating experience overall, and pretty much all the men I know in real life don’t really express strong negativity towards women or dating in general. They might talk about normal challenges, but nothing extreme.

Same.

There's a lot of selection bias, of course. For one thing, we generally gravitate toward people like ourselves, or spaces where such people are found. That's one good(?) thing about Reddit: if I passed most of these guys on the street, odds are we aren't going to the same place, and approximately zero that we would strike up a conversation about women.

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-11T22:02:16+00:00

Sorry, I didn't fully answer your question.

I struggled in high school and early college. I didn't really know why. I briefly dabbled into pickup-artist stuff and what, in hindsight, is very manosphere-adjacent overanalysis. But that didn't get me anywhere. But one thing I was pretty good at was making girls/women close friends. So I leaned into that. For the rest of my adulthood, the majority of my closest friends were women—and there would be a lot of them.

This was not a strategy, just a normal pursuit of people I wanted in my life. But through this, I gradually transformed into a person who was decent, then good, then great at talking to women in person. It wasn't unlike learning a language through immersion, instead of a textbook—frustrating at first, but eventually so natural you even dream in "French."

And that's how my dating life went from non-existant to respectable, to wild, to "I can't talk about it on reddit or I get accused of LARPing again."

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

None, in a general sense. Some that are super-specific to my situation, but not of interest or use here.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

I've noticed that the world is pretty vast and diverse, so there's not much justification or value in most generalizations.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

I'm not sure what you mean, but I suspect the answer is "no," or "not since I was 20." My approach to dating is basically to be fun, brave, sincere and reliable, and try to leave everyone better than how I found them.

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

Yes, actually, but not in the way you're thinking. Online spaces help me realize who I really was, and how that differed from the performance I put on for men and women in the real world. Dropping that performed persona—it was overcompensatingly masculine and "edgy"—and behaving more like I did with my online friends helped tremendously.

Sadly, I feel like a lot of guys want to take it in the opposite direction.

MistaCreepz · 2026-06-11T23:00:25+00:00

I've only dated women I've known as friends beforehand, it was easy for me. Never really tried apps or anything else

TransmissionSigned · 2026-06-12T07:27:44+00:00

It's just so melodramatic, for no reason. It stresses me out.

Who hasn't received the wall of text a random morning, written with the grief of an orphan, that says nothing at all?

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2026-06-12T08:30:03+00:00

Actually, I've had no trouble dating. On the apps, I found six dates in less than a year before I met my now ex-wife of 9 years. I have also now been approached by seven women asking for my number since my divorce 8 years ago without trying. I've of course rejected them all. I am no longer interested. I'm tired of the games women play.

weenieandthebutt · 2026-06-12T10:18:19+00:00

It's honestly been a mixed bag where I've lived out the lonely incel years, experiencing wild success, dealing with temporary dry spells etc and everything else in between. Overall, dating is a very hit-and-miss experience and I feel I've had far more success with it mid 20s than I have during my 30s (the male wall is very real).

What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

Male competition is very stiff. Depending on the woman, sometimes you're indirectly competing with literal male models, hardened boxers or even a Premier League football player. Even that aside, it's still pretty much a numbers game and feels like a lottery/job interview.

What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

Women are receptive sexually if you're goodlooking and hot enough. It's easier to get away with not being established in your 20s but during your 30s you have to be a bit more refined.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

Yes I have and I try to experiment with what works for me most.

Were there specific experiences that shaped your mindset?

Remember during my inexperienced days a woman tried to use me for a free meal. Though most women seem genuine enough from my experience, It is why I try to avoid resturants at all costs on a first date.

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

Redpill and even incel/blackpill spaces have. The days of TRP taught me the dynamics of human nature and how to navigating dating (conquer shit tests, when to escalate etc). Women tend to heavily favour goodlooking or masculine men. It takes nuance and maturity to understand that women aren't these evil, nefarious beings looking to use men and ruin their lives but sexality isn't fair and egalitarian, you just take it for what it is and try to use that knowledge to your advantage.

No-Parsley2889 · 2026-06-12T13:05:37+00:00

mostly just women making fun of me for my looks, heck ive had girls just walk up to me and called me ugly. height, face, race, etc its just terrible women in my culture. many radfems and such also just many loq quality women in my country. single mothers, women who chase deadbeats, criminals, thugs and dark traid types, women who only care about lust, money or status, its almost impossible to find a women with similar values and genuinely believes in monogamy and equality. not every man has this experience but this is mine, and i plan to date overseas to fix it as ive met many wonderful ladies online who share my values

esdebah · 2026-06-13T23:47:08+00:00

I'm 5'7," very average build ranging from skinny to having a little belly, but not unhealthy. I get mistaken for other people of every ethnicity. I live in the Boston area and people often ask me if I speak Turkish, Spanish, Russian, Italian, Polish, if I'm Jewish, etc.

Always had strong friendships with women, some slightly one-sided romantic (from either side) but not all. My oldest/best friend is a woman I've known since middle school. She set me up with my first live-in girlfriend. I'm a solid 5-6 and I'm passably smart, articulate, artsy. I've been rejected a lot, but I've done alright. Been married once. Engaged another time to a fairly abusive woman. I've been cheated on twice. Had a married woman cheat with me (old highschool girlfriend pretty much sought me out because she wanted to end her marriage, we stayed together for a bit). Most of my major relationships have suffered a bit from my issues with alcohol.

The period after my divorce (roughly 27-36), I had an absolute blast dating, mostly using okcupid. The area I live in is full of beautiful, smart, interesting progressive women who generally didn't mind that I worked blue collar jobs and made less than them. Lots of short term and long term relationships, including a few one night stands. Because of this, I tend to dismiss the obsession with hypergamy on this sub. I can't possibly be so lucky that it's just never been a problem. I think the best thing you can do is get your heart broken a few times when you're young so you don't take rejection as an identity crisis.

Alarmiorc2603 · 2026-06-17T00:27:42+00:00

I can tell very obviously that im having much more success then I should becuase feminism has basically opened up the market for guys like me. In a functioning dating market I would have been forced to commit ages ago.

Cool-Cardiologist544 · 2026-06-11T00:29:37+00:00

- What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

I attract women that don't take care of themselves, in some fashion. I give people that I have many misgivings about chances and once I've fought my own instincts for a few weeks to spare their feelings, I break up with them and take really long break from dating. Because women like that are damn near the only ones that I can find that are interested.

And they're not necessarily doing poorly for themselves. Most make good money, well educated. But they're either slobs, sexually self-destructive, emotionally self-destructive, among some other things.

When it's been a long time, I feel like I can work through those issues and appreciate them for their strengths.

When it hasn't been a long time, the memories are fresh enough that I don't give them the time of day.

I don't even know how to talk to a woman that's generally healthy, balanced.

The closest thing to a functional relationship I've ever had are emotional affairs with married women who resented their husbands for getting them pregnant/being overbearing. That and a nurse that cheated on me repeatedly with a doctor.

Have you tried dating with different approaches?

I've used apps mostly.

I've never worked anywhere with single women that were good to date. See the above. And I've had a couple little work place crushes that I refused to act on despite them being sweet on me.

I feel like I'm too boring in real life to go up to women in person. People are too bored, they want stimulation, or they want to hear all the exact right things to even consider.

Not because I don't have anything interesting to say but because what I have to say is completely out of people's wheelhouses. I don't read smut, I don't go to concerts, I don't have the free time be at the park or coffee shops all the time. I'm in a rut basically, but it doesn't feel like that with the apps because I can lead with good pictures and interesting stories about my life that aren't recent. There's something to get the conversation started.

Right now I'm focusing on work and trying not to care much about relationships. I think my best self is behind me.

- Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

Kept running into women who I couldn't fully love or women who never loved me. I feel like puzzle piece that doesn't fit. May as well just keep to myself.

Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

They've given me a sounding board for feelings that arise from my real life.

Most of the women I've known have kind of sucked. And it's left a mark on me. It's made me very judgmental. And worse, it's given me reason to think being this way is justified and necessary.

I don't trust most women enough to go through the process of dating. Because I know that the good ones will pick me apart for red flags and the bad ones are going to beg me to ignore theirs.

Numerous-Month-7688 · 2026-06-11T00:28:12+00:00

women have never seemed super in to me. never eager to please. even though the women i have managed to date are on average far more ugly than me. its as it its an experience only certain type of men can unlock from women. i get lukewarm niceness. other guys get passion and basically heart eyes like the cartoons. im not disparaging the women who have dated me. all nice. but if i had to struggle hard to even date girls uglier than me with little feelings for me there will never be great passion in my life.

Solondthewookiee · 2026-06-11T00:33:45+00:00

- What are the real challenges you personally face in dating?

When I was dating, my challenges were that my hobbies and work were largely male dominated and I absolutely suck at cold approaching women. So online dating was my main avenue.

- What patterns have you personally noticed in your own experiences?

I like intelligent, ambitious women who can make me laugh. Physically, I don't really have a "type," which helps keep the net wide.

- Have you tried dating with different approaches?

Yep. I started online dating back when it was still on websites and over the years figured out how to stand out and get more responses.

When apps became all the rage, I had to figure it out again.

I've gotten lucky a few times cold approaching women in real life, but I never quite got the hang of it.

- Were there specific experiences that shaped that change?

The first one was my friend showing me her online dating inbox back when they had subject lines, and every single subject was "hey" or "hi." So I started putting random nonsense in my subject lines and my replies immediately increased.

The second was when I was having zero success on apps, so I spent about a year experimenting and tinkering with my profile and pictures until I hit on a combo that worked and my matches exploded. Like from maybe 1 or 2 a week to 7 or 8 per day.

- Did online spaces or communities influence your thinking at all?

I briefly flirted with the PUA community but even then it was pretty toxic and I got turned off of it pretty quickly.

Title	What has your actual lived experience/ challenges with dating been like?
Author	Accomplished_Pack527
Upvotes	12
Comments	156
Date	June 10, 2026 9:06 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1u2exk0/what_has_your_actual_lived_experience_challenges/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-has-your-actual-lived-experience-challenges.1582533 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582533

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