Abandonment Issues

AntiVictimhood · 2021-12-18T03:30:31+00:00

First of all, of course your feelings are completely valid and relatable.

I think a point of difference is that the source of your traumas and triggers is really important to deal with and manage on a consistent basis. The second element is that this reality- him putting his kids first and spending time with them and sacrificing time with you- is going to be a thing for decades.

And it's important to really be prepared for that. To be prepared for the fact that these triggering feelings will come up frequently. He will put his kids ahead of you. There is also a possibility that his kids will not accept you, that you might be cause of tension in his family etc.

I say these things not to be mean, but to be realistic. If you're going to date a father, you need to be 100% in touch with the reality of what parenthood entails, and how that will affect your relationship.

As for your past traumas, it's good that you're aware of these issues, and are getting in touch with the things that trigger that. However, chatting with a therapist occasionally is likely not going to be sufficient to fully heal that part of yourself. Healing from childhood trauma is a lifelong commitment, and it requires practice every day. It requires awareness of your maladaptive beliefs, how to correct them, practicing effective coping strategies etc.

So I really encourage you to seek professional help. Some feedback from women on reddit is not going to be sufficient to overcome this deep wound and some of the negative feelings/beliefs that are triggered by virtue of him having a family and people that he will prioritize above you.

If you really want to be with this man and can see him being in your life forever, then you do need to equip yourself with long term strategies and outlets that will help you process your feelings.

Lastly, it's pretty common to pick partners who confirm the messages we received from childhood. When we don't work through trauma and childhood issues, they follow us. They shape who we choose, what we tolerate, what we see as normal.

And it sounds like choosing this relationship is validating some of your beliefs that emerge from childhood trauma. You feel abandoned because he is choosing his family over you. And that's the right thing to do. But inevitably, entering into this arrangement will be triggering and it will bring up feelings of abandonment, for valid reason.

Additionally, when we have unresolved trauma we can get ourselves into situations where the outcome confirms our feelings.

If you chose a man with a past family, you might have done so because being "chosen" by someone who has deep commitments feels more special and validating than being chosen by someone who is single and unattached to others.

At some level, you may wish that he'd choose you over his kids. That he'd sacrifice time with them to be with you. To put you first. And in doing so, you would get that validation, attention, and feelings of being special that you lacked in childhood.

Consequently, confirming your core belief that you're unwanted, not good enough, replaceable, easy to overlook.

These are profound wounds. And this might not fully resonate with you, but it's common for people with trauma to seek out scenarios that confirm their negative beliefs. Feeling trapped in this life where you don't really feel chosen, seen, or special to someone.

The thing is, there aren't really any "hacks" here. And this is why I'm really recommending ongoing therapy. To process why you have chosen an old man with a family (this can be largely related to the father wound- wanting to be cared for and tended to in the way a loving and attentive father would to a child. Be unconditionally and chosen above all else). And then to process and learn strategies to deal with the triggering situations that you are going to encounter since you have chosen this man with deep attachments and obligations.

Of course there are ways to deal with jealousy, but this arrangement is going to pose ongoing and unique challenges. I think the best form of support is to find a therapist who you really connect to, who can help you reflect on your childhood wounds, and who can provide you with effective solutions to manage some of your negative feelings.

bygracethrufaith- · 2022-01-04T04:13:14+00:00

I have abandonment issues too. The worries seem so real and they are so difficult to endure. It’s great that you are aware though. That is the first step. I’ve been listening to insecure in love. It’s a great book that can help you become more self aware of your thought patterns etc..it is encouraging to learn about myself and my abandonment issues. It helps me not feel so crazy and alone..I understand myself more, and I have more compassion when I’m feeling shame about my issues..I can’t recommend it enough.

Title	Abandonment Issues
Author	anna12435
Upvotes	11
Comments	4
Date	December 17, 2021 11:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ritxjk/abandonment_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/abandonment-issues.1091902 https://theredarchive.com/post/1091902

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