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[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
How do I be less sensitive when SO makes sweeping generalizations about females that sound really negative?
Why are you taking his sweeping generalizations personally? Quit that. You have complete control of how you react to things, and applying everything he says to YOU, when he is talking about women in general, is YOUR doing. It's not him being mean, it's you having hurt feelings about stuff that isn't about you.
If you get hurt feelings about negative things he says about women in general, then don't be like the women he's talking about.
Like, a domestic violence case, my reaction is to be like “that's so sad! I hope that person gets help.” his reaction is to be like, “That person is dumb for staying, I would have just left.” When there are so many reasons why a person chooses to stay.
Why is this something you get upset about? A tiny difference in opinion upsets you? This is your problem? This is what you are getting upset about? Holy cow you need REAL problems in your life if this is a big problem for you.
But the conversations have gotten to the point that he says if I don't have a solution to the problem then he doesn't want to hear the problem/story.
This is because you are bitching about your problems to the point that he is sick and tired of hearing about them. This whole post is you bitching about tiny things that happen: insignificant incidents where you create your own problems to bitch about.
I've been trying not to vent about us to friends when i'm upset (but it's usually always about language and word choice. Always the same argument.)
And you are bitching about him to your friends as well as this long post complaining about him.
Okay, what's going on is he is getting tired of you, your being hurt and defensive whenever he opens his mouth, and your constant, never-ending bitching. Unless you stop all of these things immediately, I give your relationship a month before he either dumps you or plates you.
[–]CulturalMythos 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (7 children) | Copy Link
appreciate the honesty. we've actually been together 2 years. I'm trying not to take everything so personally usually by not saying anything about it. And i don't think i was complaining about him, I tried to phrase it in a way to ask what I need to do to not react so defensively/butthurt. Is just not bringing it up a good solution? If something hurts my feelings just ignore it?
EDIT: you're also right that usually whatever he says isn't to be mean, he's just being bluntly honest (and it comes off sounding really rude to me). I think i just need to work on sucking it up better and pushing past that initial reaction of emotional hurt/anger etc. to understanding what is really being said. And resist the urge to be like "I agree but you could have said it nicer" no he doesn't have to say it nicer for my benefit. that's silly on my part.
EDIT 2: Okay, i now understand that I was using this post to vent. Thank you for pointing out that this was indeed a bitching post and not an actual question as I thought.
[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
It sounds to me like everything hurts your feelings. These things you mention are just so petty, and why are you attempting to dictate his language and word choice? Why are you trying to change him?
Whenever your feelings get hurt, step back and ask yourself if he was directing his statements at you or at women in general. I would be willing to bet that when he says something against women in general you take it personally; this isn't anything he has done, it is you twisting his words into something that he didn't mean.
Try this: when he says something, STFU. It worked well for me :) Like if he says something that gets you upset - do not retort! Do not roll your eyes, sigh deeply, or get pissy. Just smile and go about your business pleasantly.
I think that you are actively searching for mole-hills to make mountains from. If arguments arise from small statements then the only way to diffuse those arguments is to stop them or never start them from your end. Since the only person you can change is yourself, then you are the only one who can diffuse the situation. You do that by pleasantly not participating. Don't stomp off or anything, just don't retort.
[–]CulturalMythos 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
Thank you very much you have been very helpful. I can keep myself from saying anything but I have absolutely no poker face with him. He can tell immediately when something upset me even when I think i'm hiding it. Something always gives me away. He always knows. And he will ask if I am upset, and I usually lie and say no. What about if i say, "Yes, that upset me but I will get over it." is that too much? So that way i'm not lying but not making a huge deal about it either.
[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
That sounds good, or you can flip their Agree & Amplify on its back and tease with humor. Or you can say "Sorry, I was just being silly!" or whatever.
The ironic thing is that he said something like "woman - emotion" and you responded emotionally; maybe try to look at it logically if possible. It's that "F" in your INFJ that is running the show here!
I went through the same thing that you are going through, and it wasn't until I changed my reaction that I realized my husband wasn't talking about me at all. When it was personal he was just reacting to something i did or said or a tone I used, then I reacted to that, and he reacted back again...
Beware that this is a long process. It took me about a year to quit taking things personally and to quit talking back. It took my husband about a year to trust that I wasn't going to get upset every time he opened his mouth.
[–]CulturalMythos 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
A year? T_T I guess I set myself up thinking there would be a quick fix to this lol. I will do my best to think before I react and practice STFU.
Yes, i'm finding that while his TJ with my FP can be excellent for balancing each other out at times, T and F clash. T usually wins out and F just feels unfairly treated. Thank you again.
[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yeah it takes a long time and a lot of restarts. I would open my mouth to retort and then consciously snap it back shut again. My other problem is lack of patience; I still have problems with that one! My husband doesn't do things on my time, and I've had to learn to slow down and relax instead of tapping my foot impatiently.
Just do your best and keep at it. If you slip up or if he gets impatient, just tell him that you are trying, but you haven't internalized it yet. That it might take a while but you are working on it every day. Pretty soon it will become second nature, I promise!
[–]CulturalMythos 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Thank you! I need to keep this all in mind. I don't want to push him away or for me to let him go because I feel he's insensitive and i'm too sensitive. I'm embarrassed to say that I have said that a few times "I don't think we should be together because i'm too sensitive and you're too insensitive." He just told me I was silly, that I couldn't get rid of him that easily, and we could work it out.
I think the other problem is a "culture of niceness"? or politeness maybe? That some things shouldn't be said, even if true, because it just isn't nice. I think that's where my feelings of needing to police language comes from. If I can work on that I feel like i could nip the emotional response in the butt. While also keeping in mind that he feels comfortable enough around me not to have to censor his language (or be PC) and I should respect that.
EDIT: I need to stop trying to find Red Flags and sabotaging this relationship. I'm doing this to myself.
[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Excellent. Once you realize that you are causing your own misery then it makes it a lot easier to change.
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