Do you remember the first time you went on RP? I do. Disgust, hate, and jealousy is what I felt. My full on beta self couldn't handle the truth. After all, it is a tough pill to swallow.

It's almost like a truth that you can only accept when you have to. The comfort of the fake society we live in was reassuring to me.

Yes, I was a loser but at least I'd have the girl of my dreams one day. Yes, I was lonely, but that's because people couldn't comprehend that under all that social awkwardness was one cool dude. Sure, I didn't have any direction in life but that's because of my anxiety and depression.

You get the idea? Good, because I could go all day if I wanted to. The point is that I have always made excuses in my life. Running away became something I was very good at.

Why did I become this way? Easy answer. The environment I was raised in (only women) allowed me to be praised and comforted even whenever I fucked up. Competitiveness is no good. Well, that's what I got told that is.

This really perplexed me when I used to play basketball as a kid. Now if any of you play ball, you know how much trash-talking goes on the court. Logically, one would know that the bullshit said between each other is harmless. Nope, not young me. Whenever someone trash-talked me, I would just be silent. Why? Because I was raised in a feminine household where confrontation was seen as negative.

This backfired of course, because that led me to be passive. The passivity triggered the anger but not enough for it to be in the outward. Now, what you're left with is a passive aggressive bitch.

I know what some of you are thinking. "This is just another excuse you're making by pointing your problems at your family!"

Completely fair point. But, that realization of why I turned out the way I am isn't something I found out recently. Oh no, this all hit me when I first discovered RP. Why didn't I change myself then you might ask? Easy.

It's because I didn't want to change. It's as simple as that. Sure, I "wanted" to change and be more successful, goal-oriented, fit, and a ladies man. But, did I want it bad enough? Nope.

What happened is I found another comfort. And that comfort was in hope deprived of persistence and hard work. The idea of changing myself is what I held on to. Not the actual change itself. This led me to continue living as a loser with the false hope of becoming a man that I wanted to one day.

I had the RP knowledge but lacked the discipline. And no one is going to teach that to you. Reading RP posts for hours thinking I was making change. All kinds of posts too, from beta examples to MGTOW. I read many. Oh oh, and I definitely enjoyed the ones where girls got "owned." Yup, the petty bitter me definitely enjoyed those ones. I would laugh and internally be like "hah, that's what you get you fucking bitches."

Lame as fuck, I know. But that's who I was. But something changed these past few months. And that change was negative. Oh, you thought gaming for all night me was a loser? Try the eats once a day, doing random drugs, fucking escorts, and gambling me.

That was pretty much my entire summer. I lived a very hazy, depressing life. It wasn't until my birthday near the end of summer that I felt something off. My parents and family were pressuring me to go back to school. September rolls by, and of course I don't. There's too many people at school, my anxiety would go off the charts, I wouldn't do well. The whole nine yards of bullshit.

My parents decided to cut me off financially. This was my dads idea and my mom definitely was against it. Now, for the most of my life, I didn't live with my father. We talked a lot and he provided for us financially but he was never with us. So when he decided to cut me off, I felt offended and angry.

They don't wanna give me money anymore to blow on weed, coke, hookers and junk food!? How dare they! Of course, this isn't what I said but it was the glaring truth. My fathers decision was completely justified and very wise.

This led to a month of me going without food for days, losing a bunch of weight, trying to commit crimes for money and finally...FINALLY waking up.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I WILL not live like this anymore.

As I repeated that to myself, it was the first time in my life that my own words had weight. First time that I actually believed in myself. I finally felt awake.

I skipped the anger phase because I lived that passively for my whole life. I skipped the depression phase because I burdened that on myself before. In that moment, it was just acceptance.

I called my father back after not speaking for a while and told him I want to move out. He was happy and told me that this is a good decision. He told me that the struggles you conquer today are blessings for your character, but only when you conquer them now, not tomorrow because tomorrow will never come.

I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. And that was the real enemy all along. My ego.

I'm moving out in 2 weeks and I'm excited. I know it will be rough at first, I will be working a shitty job to pay bills for a bit, I might not eat well the first month, and I might get angry. But you know what, I guarantee you that I will not regret it.

I'll be attending school in January. I made sure the house I moved in is right across the gym too, so no excuses there. I am actively looking for cheap healthy meal plans (maybe one of you can recommend one). I have RP books that I bought already.

It's funny.. I used to read RP with a focus on women, game and getting laid. Yet now, that's literally at the bottom of my list. I don't care about the validation anymore. I'm 100% in overdrive and my focus is building myself up. The pussy will come but that will be the virtues of the war I'm fighting with myself everyday.

Life hits hard but I'm motherfucking ready. This time, next year, I will be a different man. And I promised that to myself. But that's not enough. My words and ACTIONS will be what solidifies this change.

I appreciate what you've given me RP and I thank you all for the advice. For those starting your journey as well, good luck!