I had oneitits for my ex (with BPD). She broke up with me, moved out of the apartment, and moved out of state the summer of 2013. I kept trying to win her back and nothing worked. She started to fly into town and stayed with me at my place. The sex was amazing and it felt good to play house with her again. When she'd fly back I'd fall into a depression and I'd try and say anything to get her to fly back out. This went on for almost 2 years.

During this time she would never let me fly out there and see her. I felt like she was hiding something from me and I would make excuses for her behavior. I listened to her words, not her actions. She told me over and over that she was working on herself and once she was better we would be back together. She called and messaged me everyday, she kept me plugged in.

She went silent a month ago, but I knew things had changed since the last time I saw her (thanksgiving 2014). I finally couldn't take it anymore and asked her last Wednesday what was up. She admitted that she was seeing someone else. I told her then and there to never speak with me again. Everything she said was a lie and I was being set up as a cuckold BB. It all made sense as to why she moved, to be with someone else. Sucks for him too I guess, every month she was at my place getting another black eye on her cervix. She played us both.

This destroyed me. I was on the verge of just checking out and ending things. I'm 31 and relationships have never been easy for me. It is easy to get the girl at first, but keeping them is another story. For two whole days I could hardly function. Everything I was trying to work for and build for with this chick was an illusion in my head. After I accepted the hard truth of the situation I realized I am the prize, not her.

Since her and I split in 2013 I have spent a vast amount of time working on myself. I hit the gym, I changed my diet, I lost 60 pounds, I fixed my credit score, I took care of debt, I worked on my career (which has been stable for 7 years). I didn't gain any new life experiences though. I did meet new chicks but I told them upfront LJBF. I wanted to remain faithful and loyal to my ex, she had me plugged in hard. If I wasn't at the gym, or with the few friends I have, I was at home, watching movies, playing games, waiting for my princess to come home.

I was so fucking stupid.

Wednesday and Thursday I was a mess. Hiding in my office, crying at my desk. I didn't see any hope. I have looked into the RP before but I never swallowed the pill. Now, nothing can stop me. Friday on the way to work, everything was clear. Everything made sense. I was this chicks play toy for her to pick up and put away whenever she felt. This was all entirely my fault for even being in this situation. From the beginning there were flags that I ignored out of oneitits, and my scarcity mentality. Never again.

Friday, I went to a working lunch session with some coworkers. There is a chick that I am interested in and we flirted a little back and forth but nothing major, my coworkers are determined for me to LTR this chick. All the dudes say she is wife material, and they have been setting up working lunches just so I will talk to this chick. I'm conflicted because I work with her and she holds a good position in the company. My ex was a career girl and I know how that goes, I'll hold off judgement until I get to know her better. I just gotta keep reminding myself AWALT.

I called up a friend (chick) from HS who I haven't seen in 16 years. I drove down to see her and meet her BF on Saturday. Her BF and I went zip lining and afterwards we all went to a crappy carnival in a parking lot. I had an amazing time and I felt alive just being out of my comfort zone, and trying new things I have never experienced before. It was good to make friends with another male my age that can keep up with me physically and I'm looking forward to meeting their social group.

I went to Church with another female coworker on Sunday and the sermon hit home for my situation. The sermon was about "The Anatomy of a Problem" and it described my situation and feelings perfectly. I chose the wrong woman to LTR due to scarcity mentality, instead of demanding better for myself and setting boundaries, I turned into a welcome mat. I was going too fast with this chick and nothing would ever be what I thought it should be. I didn't maintain myself and I allowed myself to become very comfortable with this chick. I gave up all my power before I knew I ever had any. I'm not a christian myself but I do believe the bible holds many RP truths, when I do LTR again it will be with a woman who shares those beliefs.

I have been running on little sleep since I learned the truth, I also hardly eat. That's ok though because I have been making major gains. I have 3 potential plates set up to spin (22-24) and Friday I'm going out on my first date. My goal is to do something new and fun with these chicks, just so I can keep having new stories to tell. I don't really care if I get anywhere with these girls, and my lack of caring should do the trick. One of them sent me this text this morning...

"OMG... I just realized something... if you don't eat meat your cum probably tastes amazing."

Her and I will be going out Friday, and if she is good, I'll let her find out for herself. My exs BFF (chick as well) is coming over this week so we can have some drinks and go get a massage, she is married so I'm not sure if I should escalte, but AWALT so I might as well.

My plan going forward to is keep getting new life experiences and keep traveling. I make a lot of money and I have been wasting my resources on action figures and video games. I have been wasting away waiting for her. Going forward I'm going to use my resources for saving and travel. I'm going to get a passport so I visit other countries. I'm going to learn a new language (spanish), I'm going to spin plates and these women will all know that with a phone call they can be replaced. Most importantly, I'm going to keep lifting, and keep pushing to lift harder. If I can sculpt my body that should elevate me to the top 20% of males here in America.

I've picked up a copy of the Rational Male and I'm picking up a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy today. I've taken back my power and I feel like I'm seeing the world for how it is for the very first time. This is life changing, and I want to give everyone here a big fucking thank you!