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[–]kuwa_huru7 points8 points9 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Why are you taking advice from a bunch of random dudes on Reddit about how to live your life? It seems like you already know what you want and you're here to seek validation specifically from men so you feel like it's more okay, because if your boyfriend disagrees he's the one that's the exception not the norm since other men agree with you. It doesn't matter what your boyfriend or anybody else thinks. If you don't want to live with him, then don't. If he really respects you then he will be okay with it. Sounds like you are more red pill than he is. Do him a favor and direct him to us.
[–]vagbutters7 points8 points9 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
How were you "forced" into moving in? Did he put a gun to your head and say "move in or I'll pull the trigger?"
Take responsibility for your actions and admit that you just want to be a fuckbuddy for him, since that's pretty much what you're describing yourself to be.
[–]futhi921 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Have you never made a choice because someone you love pleaded with you to "trust them on this one"?
I wasn't trying to allude to anything other than living alone. If an aspect of a relationship isn't working why not renegotiate it?
If a few nights alone makes me a more sane person, how could that be anything but beneficial for the relationship?
[–]1SeemedGood7 points8 points9 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
If a few nights alone makes me a more sane person,
The real questions are:
For me there's no point to being in a committed relationship unless I'm going all-in to partner with a woman in a quest for our conjoined spiritual growth and evolution (which may or may not include children). That means that you find sanity with each other not in escape from each other. My wife and I definitely have our separate activities and interests, but if I ever felt like I needed to escape from my wife for a few nights each week to "make me a more sane person" I would seriously question why I was in the relationship in the first place. As it stands, we both would like to spend more time with each other than we are able to get at the moment given our work and family obligations.
[–]futhi922 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It's honestly just a personality trait I've always had. Being alone helps me analyze refocus certain stresses. I've done it since I was a kid.
Because we love each other and are a great team in almost every other aspect.
We're also pretty young and aren't tied down by certain responsibilities. Next year will be the first post-university year for us so maybe not seeing each other all day will change my perspective.
We both have a lot of growing up to do, and I don't want "who cooks dinner" to be source of resentment 20 years down the line.
If you think back to every time you admitted to yourself "I'm in over my head" how often did following through work out for the best. ( not speaking rhetorically so an honest answer could really help me out)
[–]1SeemedGood4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Alone time is one thing (and necessary), wanting to spend a third to half the week's evenings away from your partner to maintain your sanity is another thing entirely. If that's how you feel, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship.
Relationships are hard work. They are challenging and they cause friction and discomfort. That's what makes them valuable for spiritual growth and evolution. If you feel like you're not ready to undertake that work with this man on a full time basis (and that's what both your initial complaint and concern about "future" resentments feels like) after six years, then he's not the guy for you.
I mean really, you're already pre-planning your resentment. That's not actually future resentment, that's your current resentment speaking there - over what I'm not sure. Maybe you are projecting resentment onto him over your choice to move in with him and continue the charade - women are masters at ignoring responsibility for their own choices.
You are correct that you do have a lot of growing up to do, and that's OK, we all do, even those of us approaching twice your age. The point to a relationship is that you sacrifice some of your independence to do that together and in the course of that growing you evolve your "personality traits" into the nothingness that they ultimately represent and from which they came. Hopefully you come to realize that your true consciousness is independent of your "personality traits," and that those "traits" are simply irrelevant ripples from some past experience that are entirely malleable to your higher will.
The harsh truth is that while he may love you, you almost certainly don't love him, and I would submit the OP as Exhibit A. I would seriously doubt that you actually have the capacity to love him. Women are not naturals at loving men, it takes a great deal of effort and time developing their consciousness for them to be able to actually love a man for who he actually is and not his superficials or what he can or does do for them. That's part of the spiritual evolutionary process that should happen with your partner - should you choose to have one.
If, after six years, you're not excited to be moving in with him and therefore spending more of your life together something's wrong - he's not exciting you. It seems like he may be very comfortable fit for you, but that's about it. In fact your take on your relationship sounds an awful lot like my wife's take on her relationship with her six year boyfriend just as she was meeting (and becoming excited by) me. After 25 years together, I still excite my wife and she still excites me and it's that excitement and desire that makes cohabitation fairly easy and then goes on to get you through the tough times and the tough issues. And for the record, resentment over "who cooks dinner" would not count as a tough issue.
[–]deadwoodcylon3 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Nothing wrong with wanting to live by yourself, even when in an LTR. It's your life, you make your own rules. If anyone says you "should" do this or that, or feel this or that, they're telling you how to live by THEIR standards.
Together time is good. And so is alone time. Kahlil Gibran said it best in The Prophet:
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Check out the redpillwomen sub as well for insights
[–][deleted] 2 points2 points2 points 9 years ago | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]futhi921 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He requested, I conceded so you're right on that one.
[–]RedStoic1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
OK... As i see it you have a big problem with taking responsibility for your actions and your relationship.
First, you are not being "pressured" or "forced" into anything. For him it is very important that you two live together, if you think that living with a guy you've shared your life with for six years could drive you insane, then you don't really want a relationship. If you need more personal space than the one he is asking, you are free to drop him, but saying you were "pressured" into something you can freely choose makes no sense. You are an adult, you should be able to take a reasonable and well thought decision by yourself without succumbing to pressure.
Second, you can only be responsible for your own boundaries and values not his. If you expect him to drop one of his values because you dropped the notion of Marriage+kids=security, you simply regard the relationship as a covert contract that entails yielding your values for his or making him yield his values for yours.
Third, If you need so much personal space and believe that's a "natural" trait of yours, then perhaps you just want a fuck buddy. A relationship requires work, commitment, and sacrifice of liberties in order to get stability, trust and security. If you want to keep your freedom, the 21st century has countless other names and conditions for different forms of relationships. If you need to spened most of the week away from him and believe that living on your own is the way to go, you want an occasional partner, not a LTR.
[–]Koosfransoos 2 points2 points2 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I am a bit confused as why you would ask us. Is your BF a TRP? Are you still a feminist? Why do you identify yourself as feminist? What ideas of yours do you consider feminist?
Or are you just a strong independent woman which is pro equality?
[–]Sweedie0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think she means she's a sane/second-wave feminist, not an SJW one.
OP, I can relate to what you're saying a lot. Have you discussed this with your boyfriend? Maybe you could find an arrangement that works for you both like having your own space in the house or living nearby and seeing each other most days/staying over some of the time.
[–]mlgwarrior4200 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Either way there won't be trust. He could think "she's bringing guys back to our place while I'm out" or "she's bringing guys back to her place while I'm at my place'.
It's all about him making the decision to leave or stay. Will show my trust towards you.
If someone can't trust their partner to be loyal to them while they aren't physically together, that isn't much basis for a relationship.
[–]futhi920 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I would hope that he would never think I would cheat. We're moving to a new city so it's pretty much in the air.
[–]mlgwarrior4201 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Well as long as the relationship is in the least of his priorities, he will not think of you cheating. Hypergamy is a real thing.
[–]futhi920 points1 point2 points 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
That isn't the case here, as far as "marrying up" goes I'm financially set. Although I would be lying if said being with him doesn't elevate me in other ways and I for him. We challenge and raise each other's self expectations.
So if living together threatens that shouldn't that be addressed?
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[–]kuwa_huru7 points8 points9 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]vagbutters7 points8 points9 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]futhi921 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]1SeemedGood7 points8 points9 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]futhi922 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]1SeemedGood4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]deadwoodcylon3 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]deadwoodcylon3 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points2 points2 points | Copy Link
[–]futhi921 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]RedStoic1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Koosfransoos 2 points2 points2 points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]Sweedie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]mlgwarrior4200 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Sweedie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]futhi920 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]mlgwarrior4201 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]futhi920 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link