I have had an unusual experience these past few months. I stopped meeting women on my own. I don't lack attractiveness or assertiveness, but I've begun to lack interest.

Then something unusual happened. Women who were associates of my friends (men and women) kept wanting to meet me through my friends. They would ask my name and, because I'm not rude, I'd give it, then I'd go about my business only to have them come up later and get introduced. I didn't change anything about myself - I'm still the same 38 (yep) year old man who enjoys a nice drink and a cigar, I'm still polite (if a bit curt at times). The only difference is now there's a go-between. It got me thinking, and here are my conclusions as to why it's easier:

  1. You are already pre-cleared. You're no longer the unknown quantity - you know someone they know, so you have a measure of social acceptability.

  2. You're not easily accessed. Oh, you're able to be accessed, but your access isn't just handed out - it is rationed like diamonds.

  3. By virtue of not pursuing, you become someone to be pursued (you still have to be attractive, don't forget that). Women are silly things - two equally attractive men can be in a room, but she will want the one that isn't giving her attention because, subconsciously, she thinks that she's beneath him.

  4. She comes into your arena, giving you control. I can't count how many times I've heard women say "I don't really like cigars, but [generic excuse to linger]."

  5. You can pay her as little attention as you like, from a simple "nice to meet you" and going back to whatever you were doing (which is what I do) to engaging them in conversation of your choice (because she's in your space).

  6. Everything you do is seen as you taking agency and acting on your own, as opposed to being seen as trying to impress her. After all, she came to you. You were doing your own thing well before she came along and will be doing it when she leaves. If you approached her, you lose that power.

  7. Your value goes up with every woman who is paying attention. You aren't there for them, you don't even care - you're a man who wants to do his own thing. Sure, you'll talk and be nice, but damn it - they need to find a way to talk to you without just coming up and saying "here's my pussy!"

Bottom line: having a go-between changes the dynamic of the interaction.