From boy to man

If you already took the red pill and are successfull with women, then this story is not for you. I am writing this to help the people who first come here and either are not sure, or have a hard time grasping reality. Or people who haven't read the sidebar yet. This is not a story of a woman who was manipulative, this is a story of a boy who decided to become a man, and his struggles. I come here everyday now, I remind myself. I remind myself of my purpose. Why I am doing things. Why I am trying. But there is only so much content to read. I will try to add something valuable to the content. I've already written something like this, but I would like to explain it further, maybe so that I never forget where I'm coming from and where I am going. I feel this place has had a big impact on me, and I would like to leave this here, so that everyday, I can tell myself to never falter. I know that I won't.

Hello.

I used to be a nice guy. You know, the guy that will help you out if you have problems, who is blindly loyal to you, the guy who is easy to trust, that is really caring for you, I mean he already bought you a present on the second date! And every date after that. But you always feel like you've never known him. It's like he is distant, and he doesn't understand what you say.

Yes, a nice guy. The guy who has passive-agressive behaviours, who suddenly hates you for no reason, who really breaks your heart when you have an argument, who then just decides to be not reachable to you. But the next day he loves you so much that he wants to marry you. The guy who runs away from conflict by simply not being there. The guy who had charisma and confidence once but seems really unattractive now. The guy who makes jokes about himself that put him in a bad spot.

Are you feeling bad? Are you, perhaps, remembering some experiences you had in your previous relations and you are starting to relate? Are you becoming uncomfortable, angry, or anxious? Good. You are starting to see the truth.

You see, for a long time I always thought that I was an objective person who respected women. I believed that I was a really good listener, that I would genuinely help people with their feelings. I thought that if something was wrong, I just needed to hear what the other person was saying, take it as a dogma and try harder. Be more nice. Be more caring. You know, things that would make you like me. Buying presents, writing long stories about us (but good ones, I am quite good at that) always being avaliable if we are on good terms, even if this violated my personal space and my obligations (such as work, or my free time).

I hid my flaws. I didn't want them to see them, they might think bad of me. I repressed my sexual desires. I lied when I was confronted with these flaws. I would say 'I didn't mean that' and even then I thought 'god how many times has it been now? I keep writing this'. In my last relation, she called me cruel once. I outright refused it. How could I be cruel? I was angry at something, I don't remember, and she wasn't saying the things I wanted to hear so I just said some bad things. It happens you know, I can get angry too. That's why I called her a whore, even though the topic had nothing to do with relations or her friends. I'm not cruel. I'm a good guy. I respect women.

Are you still relating? Are you feeling really bad now? Like you are about to vomit? That is good. It is exactly the way I felt when I started to understand. I could not sleep that night, I was haunted. My past relation and the way I handled it haunted me, but it wasn't just that. It was my whole character, my whole being that was malfunctioning now. Because there were 2 truths now, the truth that I was a nice guy, and the truth that I was a manipulative, coward, wimpy piece of shit of a 'man'. More like a boy. I became ill.

You know, one time, I was with my girlfriend and it was late, we were walking. I was taking her home to the first entrance, not to her door. She said 'There are many dogs out here, it scares me'. Now here is a problem I can fix! I looked around, found an alternate way and said 'Here, why don't you go from there!' with a gesture. I was fixing the problem. That's what I do best. But for some reason, she got angry. I don't know why, I was being nice. I was giving her advice.

Still relating? Remember when, at times, your girlfriend got angry or confused and you just couldn't understand what was happening? How you actually were fixing a problem but for some reason were omitting yourself from the problem? But you couldn't see it back then. I couldn't see it, i could not understand that she just wanted me to go with her. Are you cringing? You should. Something as simple as this, and this man does not get it! Yes, I did not get it. Because I was not listening to her. I was listening to myself and how we would kiss before leaving and how I had a good night and how I actually did not cared about her and how she would make home safely if she took my route and how... Pretty obnoxious if you ask me.

So a time came, which was 4 months ago, where she broke up with me. I was furious. I was sure that she was seeing other men and that she never loved me and that all I did was for nothing and I should break her heart now and how she was a bitch. But I did not care to think. Instead I stuffed my face full of computer games and mcdonalds. Work was numbing enough, even if it my performance was declining now, I would just dream to go home and watch the 4'th episode of True Detective while gorging myself on a Megamac. Then I would play some games, lets say until 12am, I have to go working tomorrow you know? I would then go to bed at 2 or 3 am, jumping from game to game. Do you notice how I have no frame and no stability? Can you relate?

A few weeks ago, I found trp. I started reading, because I was hurt, and she did not want me back, and I could not comprehend why, and she was having fun too, I knew it. I kept on reading trp, all the while saying 'yep, thats how women are bitches!' yep exactly, they don't care about us!'. But one night, just before leaving work, I saw a picture of her with man. She was smiling. We never had a photograph where she was smiling. Her smiling meant her being comfortable. But she never smiled with me. We laughed yes, and she did smile when I was holding her and taking her somewhere, or kissing her gently, or when I gave her these diamond earrings that she actually never asked for and even told me to not buy her things anymore, but this smile was different. It was just a smile, out of nowhere, not because he was kissing her, not because he was pleasing her. She was smiling because they were having a good time. She liked being around him.

Something snapped in me. I started to feel ill. The things that I read on trp came back at me. Things about improvement, about lifting, about taking care of yourself, about not running away, about being stoic, about being a motherfucking man. That was the night I was haunted with myself. The next day, I started to feel shame. I was ashamed of not being a man. I felt horrible, because I was a deceiver. I was a lie. I was, in honesty, a bad and immature person, and I always thought I was the exact opposite.

Understand that I am 25 years old. This is not easy for me to swallow, but it isn't easy for anybody. The more I thought about the things she said, the more I understood what she meant by using trp to get the underlying meaning of what she truly felt and wanted. The more I dwelled on the problems we had, the more I understood that there were not problems we had, but problems I had.

Now you must also understand that I wasn't always like this. Especially at the beginning, when we met and the first few months. I had ambitions, I had purposes, I knew where I was going, I knew who I was, or at least I thought I knew. I had just graduated and had started to work on an office as an interior designer. I could get her at first, because she thought I was being honest, but I wasn't.

So slowly, the nice guy crept in. I stopped caring about some things. Things like improvement. I started to only care about games. I was eating badly. I started to lie to her so that I could play more games. I was tired of talking to her because we were chatting non-stop, even when I was at work. I could not set my boundaries, I could not hold my frame, simply because I was not being myself and I was not being a man who expressed their needs and acted according to that. The more she saw that I wasn't who I projected myself to be, the more distrustful and frustrated she became. She tried to tell me these things, but with my mentality I had no way of seeing it.

I started to hate myself. I hate who I was, and decided to change. I would always say that I did not have time to go to the gym because my home was far away from my workplace. I proved this was another bullshit I had imagined by joining a gym that was on the way to my house and going there 4 times per week. I almost stopped playing games. I can't anymore. I don't want to, because it gives me no joy. They reflect my past self, and I absolutely can't stand him. He disgusts me. Just like she was disgusted with him. I stopped masturbating and watching porn daily. Again, I don't want to. I have a purpose now, and I realised that porn was reducing my views on women. I was not seeing them as humans, but as objects. You don't communicate with an object. You don't desire them. TRP has its views on women, and they are mostly right, but I was not even seeing them as women. Masturbating was just 'something to do', an addiction that I had. Just like I was addicted to games.

I now have intense dreams of sexuality and shame. It had been more than 4 to 5 months since I last remembered my dreams, but now everynight I remember my dreams.

I am using this shame and fear now. I remind myself. At the gym, I think. I analyse. I understand. Again, it had been months since I last was thinking. I always thought that games were relaxing to me while they weren't. They were numbing and incapacitating my ability to think.

This was for you, lurker who is not sure if these things appeal to him. This is for you, who is never quite happy, never has people he calls 'friends', who fails at his relationships but just doesn't know why. Learn from here. Don't just disregard some of the things and bash women. Learn first. Learn what you are lacking in order to be a real man who handles relationships. I just gave some of my experiences, but there were hundereds more like these.

I am not telling you to hate yourself as I am doing right now. I am telling you that you may have a lot or a few good traits, but this major disfunction in you is causing you to fail in almost all aspects of your life. Hate your past self, where it brought you, and change. Change to become better. I am hating the me of my last year now. So I am changing myself, I learn that I must put boundaries, that I must have my own desires and needs as my main priority, that I should not just listen, but truly understand what a woman wants and what she feels in order to either maintain my frame or to use those feelings for my benefit. I learn that sexuality is not something to be ashamed of, but something that is real and human. I learn that women know this too, and that they would not scorn me for it. I learn to stop lying like I did all the time. I sometimes had thought if it was bad that I was lying so much. Now I know.

I set purposes to myself now. I punish my past self by working to achieve those goals. Do the same.