I’m at the age where I’m constantly being invited to weddings. Sometimes the bride is a fine little 22 year old, sometimes some 35 yr old hag has been squeezed into an ivory corset and wheeled down the isle with her kids in tow, and I’m expected to say she looks beautiful, but that’s of little consequence. However, whatever the occasion, weddings do provide a perfect opportunity to maintain control, frame and induce a bit of dread in your plate, GF, whatever.

How so?

It’s tremendously easy to get laid at a wedding. There are single (and not so single but bored,) women by the bucket load, all frothed up on romance, flowers and shitty prosecco masquerading as champagne. She will know this. So how do we use it to our advantage to induce just the right amount of dread?

Don’t take her.

That’s right, do not utilise your plus 1. Leave her at home. Hardly even mention the wedding until a few days before, and casually let her know you’ll be going. Don’t call, text or have any contact while you are there.

On your return, say very little. When questioned (you will be questioned) give obfuscatory, vague, slightly contradictory or exaggerated responses. Don’t let her see any photos. She may directly ask about girls. So amplify to a perverse extent. "I had all the bridesmaids, even the married ones, and the brides mother. Why do you think I went?'

The best thing is, you don’t actually have to have banged anyone, just act like you might have done. The advice can also be transferred to other social occasions, but weddings, what with the associations of sex and infidelity, are most appropriate.