Update Below

Hi all.

It's been months since I've logged onto Reddit, but I need to scream my pain & loss at the world, as well as my hope for a better future. Please, bear with me.

This morning, scant hours ago, I awoke early with one thought in my head: I need to end this relationship with the woman sleeping beside me. To that end, I quietly gathered most of my things, packed my car, and steeled myself. I woke her up, told her I was leaving. For good. We talked for a few minutes - she trying to convince me to stay, me struggling to keep it together while maintaining my resolve - and I left.

This is the first time I have been the partner to initiate a break-up. This relationship (over 2 years) is the longest I have ever been in; I was more deeply invested than I've ever been before. I know ending it is the right thing to do. I know we'll both be happier with other partners. But of course, there's deep sadness, as well. I know I've shocked and hurt her. I'm hurting, too. The emotional chaos following this sort of thing is never fun.

At this very moment, I hate the Red Pill. I hate that my eyes were opened to the fact that the core of my unhappiness is my own doing. I hate that I cannot simply slip back into blissful ignorance.

Over a year ago, my S/O (now my Ex, so I guess I may as well get used to referring to her as such) and I began having bad fights. The mutually abusive kind. I didn't know why I was growing so angry. I have never believed myself to be abusive, and yet there I was, punching holes in things and tearing doors off at the hinges in an effort to keep my hands off of her. I knew my behavior was unacceptable, as did she about her own behavior, and so I started reading up on what could cause the kind of white-hot rage I'd never before experienced with another human being, let alone a woman I claimed to love. This was my first introduction to the Red Pill, from a few Google results. I learned a lot about my unconscious self: my motivations, what type of woman complements me, and the fact that I need to lead to respect myself and feel respected by others.

Several months later, after I'd gotten my anger under control - I would just leave the house if I thought I was about to get too angry - I began researching the Red Pill more thoroughly. I stumbled upon Athol Kay's MMSL blog first, then purchased the book. I began exploring the myriad blogs of the manosphere. And recently, I encountered the writings of Ian Ironwood. My mind began to whirl with all the ideas and information. It all felt so new...and yet it all struck a familiar chord. I knew that I had been duped by the feminist agenda in so many ways, and I began to wake up.

At first, I thought there was hope for my relationship. I began applying the principles of Athol Kay's MAP, and had some good first results. But at the same time, I began wondering...was this the person with whom I really wanted to spend my life? Our interests are very different, as are our attitudes about life, society, success, and (perhaps most telling) equity in a relationship. I could not get her used to the idea of the Captain/First Officer relationship. Nor was I certain that, as things stood, I even deserved that type of relationship. I make a very meager hourly wage, am in the very early stage of developing a physically fit lifestyle, and have very little of what I actually want out of life.

I realized that I needed to get my own shit together first. And I couldn't do that while I was in a relationship rife with negativity, discord, and the beginnings of mutual contempt.

When I awoke this morning, I saw very clearly the fork in the road ahead. On the one side, I could avoid temporary anguish by staying in a familiar downward spiral. The other, shrouded by the mists of the unknown, lay the chance for a better future for us both.

I made my decision, because that's what a man does. If I could not lead her toward happiness by staying, I could at least lead myself toward potential happiness, and hope the same would come to her.

It hurts. It hurts alot. And I thank those of you who have taken the time to read this for your forbearance. I work through things by writing them out, and it helps to think some of you may read this and, if not sympathize, at least understand.

I welcome any helpful advise about how to handle my first steps down the road to a new, improved manhood.

Update

Wow. Hard to believe it's been just under a month since I wrote this. Hard to believe because I've never recovered emotionally from a break-up this quickly before, EVER.

I feel great. I'm getting up earlier, I'm more active, I'm happier, and I've been having a fantastic time Bro'ing Out with all the male friends I slowly let fall by the wayside during my previous, Blue Pill Relationship. I've really been exploring my own psyche a lot, and I'm finding out that I like myself a lot more than I remembered.

Haven't had any new sexual encounters yet, and honestly I'm not really that worried about it for now. I think I need to get my head right, 100% clear, before I move on to that phase. I found a Red Pill reading list somewhere, I forget which blog but possibly Thumotic, and I'm going to keep plowing through that before I move on to much else.

I may post more updates in the future. Thanks to Ommin, Trust77, and James_Coook for their comments on the OP.