I used to be what you may call a total "beta". For years, I based my entire frame of mind around impressing and attracting girls (especially one). In High School (I am 25 now,for context) I was awkward, had atrocious acne, and became quickly infatuated with any beautiful girl who gave me (to be cliche) the time of day. I considered myself a "nice guy". A "romantic". Plus, I had TERRIBLE self-esteem. All of this resulted in being easily manipulated.

I eventually met a girl who lived in my town and she had a boyfriend, but we hit it off and I could tell that she was into me and fell for my ruse of being confident and experienced. She then became single, which I later found out was because she said AWFUL things to him in the hopes of being dumped. So I started to pursue, and I had NO idea what I was getting myself into.

Fast forward a year, and of course, I didn't get the courage to "make a move" until it was too late. That's right. I glorified her in my mind and built up such a strong vision of "us" to the point that I was totally intimidated. And what's worse, I had mistaken this girl's intentions.

So I found myself in the "friend zone" and we continued to hang out for a year of torture. I was convinced I was in love. I couldn't take it anymore when she said she was starting to see someone, so I finally told her how I felt. Within a week or two, we started hooking up. She didn't want a relationship and I was happy to delude myself that "hey, at least it's SOMETHING". I accepted it in the hopes that she would eventually change her mind. I REALLY wanted to be with her, and not just sexually. The thing is, she kept seeing (read:fucking) the other guy. I once saw a message on her phone by accident to a friend that she was going to "fuck him (me) one more time and say we should go back to being just friends". That was the first step towards my red-pill moment. This chick was using me, and I wasn’t the only one. She eventually (like two weeks after I saw the message) did exactly that. And you wanna know the worst part? I stayed as a friend with the hopes that things may someday change. For three years, until she finally committed to a guy and I decided that I had enough pain.

From then on, I decided to never put a woman on a pedestal again. Never again will I allow someone I am interested in control the way I see myself as a man. I let this girl drag me along like her toy to be put away when she grew bored. I felt inadequate and broken. But then it dawned on me- I was programmed to think in such a way that led me to those negative thoughts and hard times. Our society portrays women as prizes to be earned/won. I thought that I was doing all of the right things and for a time could not understand where I had failed. I was convinced that all women want is to be loved and “treated right”. How wrong I was. I have decided to fully throw myself into the red-pilled movement and will be reading a lot more literature on the subject. I invite any thoughts on my experience.