Hi guys,

The context: I am divorced, weekend father. Every Saturday I pick my son up and beforehand I agree, on whatsapp, with my ex-wife if there is any change in the schedule.

Last weekend's chat with her was a great example of subtle manipulation technique (and defense) that I want to share and analyze with you guys. Chat was not in English - thus I cannot just copy paste it.

Before we start, a few clarifications:

  • A - is point where I live.
  • B - is point where she lives with our son.
  • C - another point within same city.
  • Distance between A and B is 12 km (7.45 miles). Between A and C is 30 km (18 .64 miles).

Let's start!

  • -1- She: these Saturday we planned something with <son's Name> between 10:00 and 11:00 am around point C. Can you come over and pick him up at 11:00 am from point C?
  • -2- Me: I can't.
  • -3- She: Do you have any suggestions?
  • -4- Me: When you are back home with him, please, write me, I come over (point B) and pick him.
  • -5- (attack). She: I don't want <son's name> to get stressed being so much on the road, so I think it is better for you to come over point C.
  • -6- (defense and counter-attack ). Me: If you don't want <son's name> to get stressed, please, don't take him to other side of the city (from point B to point C). But as you already decided to stress <son's name> - do it until the end. I will be in point B at 1:30 pm.

Long pause :)

  • -7- She: we won't be back in point B, I am sorry.
  • -8- Me: Ah, ok.

Another long break.

After second long break, we agreed to meet in a midpoint M between A, B and C. Distance from A to M was 8 km (~5 miles). I won negotiations :)

There I few take away key-points I want you guys to take from this post. Notice line (1.) and line (5.) how she uses the kid and tries to manipulate me using psychological jiu-jitsu to her own advantage. In line (6.) I knew (well, I just suppose) that she wants to spend this weekend alone and besides she transfers guilt on me. So I kindly take guilt from my side, and I don't give up my position. After all I have nothing to lose - in worst case scenario I will spend weekend alone reading few great books! Line (7.) contradicts line (1.)... in context of line (7.) line (1.) reads like: "I planned to spend weekend in point C" :). Also notice how to using "we" (she and kid) instead of I (only she) to hide own interest behind another subject.

What do you think guys - I am too paranoid by over-analyzing an apparently minor chat conversation? I would love to hear your opinion!