(Warning: long ass post)

Oh wow how do I start this shit..

Well I'll just start.

I want to start by saying I'm 18 and I will be attending college in a month. I know most of you are probably older and thinking, "You haven't lived yet kid." That's alright. I just ask for an open mind before you downvote and if you still think the same way than so be it.

I grew up pretty beta. I was taught that women were to be treated with respect and equally. At the same time of treating them with equality, we were also suppose to do all the extra shit for them.

I also grew up without a dad. My mother was the only parent figure for around 10 years until she remarried. Bless my mom, she carried her own weight and gave me the best I can. But I had no father figure to teach me how to be a man. What I knew was from role models from the media. Disney was one of the worst things to watch as a kid. I realize that now.

I was in a LTR for a yearish my end of freshmen year to end of sophomore year. It was one of the most horrendous experience of my life. Everything I did, I based it off from what I learned from beta ways. It was completely pathetic. You ever wanna go back in time and just slap the shit out of yourself? Yeah that year was it for me.

One good thing came from it. I discovered this wonderful subreddit. The Red Pill. Honestly, I could probably write a full thing thanking TRP but I'm sure you don't want to read that. But thanks TRP. I owe you a cold one.

After plugging in, I consumed everything. I was reading every single thread, every single outside source. I was absolutely fascinated by it. Reading this stuff opened my eyes, but it also closed it too. I was too young (still am to be fair), too naive and too angry. I was at an anger stage and it felt good to be in it. I was able to justify pretty shitty stuff I did with it.

I won't get into (brag) about how much I got laid and blah blah. I got around and word got around that I got around. I earned a reputation and honestly? I loved it. I loved being known as the guy to stay away from. The asshole fuckboy. The guy that'll get in your pants and by the time you pull it back up, I'll be in another. The one that just didn't give two shits about anyone but himself.

It was hard at first. I won't lie. I was still thinking a little bit about oh maybe that's too far, or oh she's different. But I remember. I always remembered what had happened and how I had felt. The anger, the motivation the drive gave me the strength to do whatever the fuck I wanted. And to not care, well once I realized how "well" I was doing, it was easy to not care.

Than I met a girl. She was different. She actually rejected me so harshly and fast I was flabbergasted. I got to know her and my perspective changed once more. I was still careful but I started doubting some hard rules that I had. I'm not going to lie, I had serious oneitis for this one. Innocent, cute and conservative. My kind of girl. I was slowly getting pulled out of the anger phase.

Reality hit me hard. In a way that I honestly hadn't expected. The girl passed away and not in a natural way. I won't go into details about it. I felt a lot of emotions after. Anger was a big one. Not the anger that I had felt the first time. That was a petty anger I had felt towards women because of one girl that had defined it for me. This anger was just anger. No pettiness, no hatred. Just anger.

I've always worked out and stayed fit but I came back in a vengeance. I got a pr that I had always wanted after months of hard work. (Double my body weight in bench! To be fair I don't weigh a lot but I digress). I dropped any girls that I talked to or had a thing with except two friends that I was close with. I focused on myself. I hung out with the guys more and did a lot of stupid shit. I busied myself and made sure I was doing something productive.

Well, history repeats itself huh? Another girl came into my life. She was an old friend I reconnected with. We became close and I honestly thought of her as just a mate. Fast forward 5 months and I hooked up with her. Than the hamstring ensued. She started saying things like, "I know you're not using me, but it feels like you're using me." It would have been so easy if she wasn't a friend to tell her to fuck off. But she was a friend. I knew a lot about her and she knew a lot about me. I second guessed everything with her. My first thought was, am I doing something wrong? I was hesitant and passive. She left for vacation and now I was alone.

I thought a lot while she was gone. I wanted to rationalize my thoughts and actions. And when she came back, nothing was resolved and communication was cut off. I think that was the best decision made.

I went on vacation. It feels so good to just get away and think. I started writing my thoughts out. Two weeks of going to coffee shops and writing. Yesterday I went to a new coffee shop and thought, I'll read what I wrote. As I read what I wrote, I realized all the common things I had put in all of them. It was all about how I didn't want to hurt people but I didn't want to hold my self back. It was about not wanting to take advantage of girls but at the same time not wanting to rationalize and hesitate. As I sat there, I learned some lessons.

-Everything is a matter of perspective. If I think after sleeping with a girl, oh god you're such a bad person. Woman are emotional creatures and if she feels bad than I should feel bad, than that is one perspective. My new perspective should be and is now, I slept with a girl, if she feels bad, she is a human who has the capacity of understanding her actions. She controls her life and thought. Perspective has become very important I realize. There is no true good or bad. It's what we perceive as good or bad.

  • I put woman on pedestals way too much. No correction, I put women I've made a deeper connection to on pedestals too much. They are not deep connections, their deep rooted "problems" can be fixed and it doesn't make them a character, it makes them stupid. No special snowflakes.

  • I'm still so young. I have so much to learn still. I know I'll still make mistakes. I still have so many new experiences, adventures and suffering to go through. I'm excited to go through it. I'm eager to learn no matter the rewards or consequences.

  • I'm back plugging into the red pill lifestyle. I'll take what I get from this and learn as much as I can.

Now if you made it this far than thanks for reading. I honestly don't have to post this because writing all this down has helped my solidify my decisions and thoughts. But I'll post it anyways in case people are interested and hopefully take away something from it.

So keep on and live on.