I was the most beta man in existence. Passive, stupid. Wanting a woman to be my mommy. Hadn't had real sex. Then I developed horrible alcoholism and started going to bars where one drunken night I picked up an old bar slut who looked similar to my mom. I then proceeded to take care of her and put up with her crazy bullshit and family for 3 years, while not having sex at all, because I wanted a mommy and I didn't know that behaving like my dad was the definition of beta behavior. Over the 3 years this woman and her slut daughter destroyed many of the beliefs about women I had. I was lucky enough to be so beta that they would talk about their many sexual experiences and juggling and manipulation of men in front of me and with me.

After going to jail like 6 times for public intoxication, I finally got a DWI when I wrecked my vehicle on a mix of antidepressants, naltrexone, and alcohol, and probably some other stuff. It's been 1.5 years sober now. The day I quit drinking (when I got in a drunken fist fight with said daughter (26)) I knew that the only way I would succeed is if I started lifting weights. So like clockwork for 6 months I lifted, doing the SS program. I hated every minute of it, but powered through. I was sick physically and mentally from having the only thing I enjoyed removed from my life, alcohol, and the destruction of my body due to neglect and quitting all pills cold turkey. I quit smoking cigarettes.

I mustered the courage to get off my couch where I laid whenever I wasn't doing my hour of lifting, and went and joined a crossfit gym. They hated me. I hated them. I hated exercising. I hated crossfit. But I kept going daily for a year.

Then I started smoking cigarettes again and stopped working out. 3 months later I was back to not smoking and going to the gym, but only because the aforementioned daughter moved back home after her BF dumped her and I had a crush on her. But she is a foul person both inside and out, and did not take good care of her daughter. We almost had sex but I was too retarded to know how it was to go down, and she is kinda retarded with giving signals too, plus I fucked her mother a couple years back.

Like a beta, I cared for the daughter's little girl, playing with her and feeding her. I started also getting swole from almost a year of lifting, and started trimming body hair and tanning and walking around shirtless (I was living with these people at this point). This had a weird effect on the 26 yo and I think it was a mix of attraction and jealousy because her Ex-bf whom she was still messing with (he would summon her for sex) was not as good as me. And this woman's little girl kept saying she wanted me to be her daddy. The little girl's baby daddy called CPS and said I touched the little girl inappropriately. After that I left, I had enough of that drama.

So I've been going to this gym, but getting in fights with the owner and his trainer, who have been pressuring me to become a trainer there. But I don't want to, I just want to lift. They have some kind of friendship that is too close I think for men to have. But I got called out to fight outside today, lol, in front of people. It's getting ugly there. My testosterone I guess is through the roof because my life has been chaos, I've told my family off, I just don't give a fuck anymore. I have to try and mend things with the gym owners though because it's the only gym like it in town, and I need my Iron Temple.

Today, before I almost fought a trainer at the gym, I was at the beach by myself and there was this girl by herself, which is rare. Women don't do that. She kept looking my way. I am very swole these days and I do notice IOIs from women now. I wasn't going to say nothing, like the pussy I am, got in my car and drove away. But then I came back. I said something to her and all that, she was a rough looking woman, had probably seen a lot of dick but she wasn't obese or old or anything.

I just said fuck it and asked what she was doing and she asked if I wanted to go for drinks. I said do you want to fuck. She said something. I grabbed her arm and said do you want to touch my cock, and put her hand on my chubbing cock. She liked it. I wanted to fuck her in the car like some kind of filthy animal but she wanted to go to my place so I brought her over here. I was a mess, but luckily I pulled through to the end she said I was pretty good, and I believed her mostly.

Problem is, I didn't use a condom but did pull out a the end. She went to the shower right after and I guess washed it off, I hope she wasn't shoving my cum inside herself to get pregnant and try and have a baby and have me pay child support. I hope she didn't have diseases. I think that maybe she made a lot of noise like she was cumming because she wants me to try and fuck her again so I can begin being a provider, she talked about having 2 jobs and all that and wanting to hang out on Sunday. But her legs did this spreading where it was like "get in me" and she was going cross-eyed a lot lol. She probably has kids and some beta at home, I don't know. I might fuck her again someday. As long as I don't get the feels I'll be good. She said she hadn't had sex in like 6 months and the last time she came from a dick (and my fingers) was more than 6 months ago and she was on some kind of "abstinence" thing recently. All this is complete bullshit in my eyes, everything she says is a lie, it always is. She was literally at the beach to get dick.

Women are like a ball of barbed wire covered in poison with a slit that is pink and wet. You gotta be super careful getting in and getting out of that slit, they are not your friends, they are not to be trusted, they have an agenda and you have yours.

tl;dr hadn't had sex in years, asked a woman at the beach if she wanted to fuck, fucked. Hopefully get some more pussy, hopefully keep getting swole, not sure what to do forward with my life no be a beta provider/married man, etc. more reading to do.