My story

Summary The story of a sometime Alpha, sometimes Beta man

Background I am a 42 year old white male. Maybe a 7, tall.

Disclaimer English is not my first language and my writing is going to reflect that.

Body I was one of 3 children when I was growing up. My mother was an abusive drunk that constantly cheated on my father. My father was your typical beta/omega nice guy who never left her. To this day I am not sure if it is because he ignored it or because he didn't know. His was of dealing with my mother's drinking was never being at home. To this day I will always blame him for not stopping the abuse (physical and emotional, but not sexual). As the eldest child, I considered it my job to protect my siblings from her, and raising them. Hell, I was the 6 year old boy that had to feed his sister, change her diapers and beg the neighbors for money to buy her formula.

Now normally I never tell anyone this, but anonymity on the internet and all that. Anyways, the reason why I am confessing this is to explain why I was the way I was and why I did the things I did.

I was Alpha because I have never taken shit from anyone. I called people on their bullshit and I have always stood up for people that was treated unfairly. I never had particular problems attracting females and have even had a number of women approaching me. Where women was concerned I always had the IDGAF mentality because from a very young age I knew the truth about women (Though later on people tried to convince me otherwise).

I was beta because I strongly believed in the ONE. I knew that there was a woman out there that would be the unicorn for me. I was beta because of oneitis. I was beta because I put that pussy on a pedestal and did everything and anything that was asked of me, and what I thought I should do. My role models was the men in romantic comedies because happily ever after.

I was a White Knight. You read that right. As I was the defacto father and mother to my siblings (my baby sister) I always had the White Knight mentality. I was always ready to swoop to anyone (not just females) rescue and help them out of their problems. Financial, emotional or physical. In my defense it was never for getting sex, but just because I could not stand by when there was something I perceived to be 'not right'. Why am I telling you this? Because I was a feminist sympathizer. I became a champion for woman's rights. I beat up guys who broke my female friends hearts (even though I had no interest in them sexually). I stood up for woman being called sluts. I explained to other men how woman had the right to fuck as many dicks as they could get their hands on. When a woman cheated I rationalized it to others and made them understand that they had good reasons to.

Dark Triad... Personally I do not think I am any of the three, except to the extent that everyone is to one degree or another. I believe that my background and the things that happened to me created my personality, and lately I have taken the responsibility to become the person I want to be. However a shrink told me that I score 'alarmingly high' in all three. Personally I think that is bullshit, especially on the psycho bit because I do have empathy and sympathy for other people and animals. More explanation forthcoming on this though.

Anyways, on to the meat of the matter...

We constantly moved from town to town, so I was the eternal new kid. Popular among the girls and bullied by the boys. Not that I was ever bullied for long because I always fought back. I never allowed other children to be bullied either (more proof I am not psycho, because I felt sorry for the kids and fought on their behalf). I think that may be why I was popular under the girls. Not that I had many girlfriends though, I already new AWALT thanks to my mom, so never really bothered.

When I got to high school I went to a boys only school, so never really had a lot of opportunity to chase girls. During my last 2 years of school all of that changed. I started meeting girls, and had ONEITIS for a few of them. But I always became needy (because movies) and every single one of them cheated on me eventually.

By the time I had finished school my mom had successfully drank out all my dad's money and savings, so I started working immediately. My first job was as a door to door salesman which didn't last long. I simply did not have the self discipline for it. My second job was one I would keep for almost a decade and it is where I met my first wife.

She was good looking, pretty conservative and a giving person. For 12 years of my marriage she showed me that not all woman are like that. But I was a pussy whipped beta boy and she just did not respect me. The sex was the worst I had ever had. In the end though she showed me that in actuality AWALT. She cheated and I got out.

Though I never came across TRP or any of it's philosophies I recognize now that I went totally Alpha. I dated a lot. I had a lot of sex. I was happy. I loved being a bachelor. I still saw my kids whenever I wanted. I started my own business and I became wealthy.

Then I met the ONE (The ONE who helped me swallow the pill). She was hot, giving and 11 years younger than I me. The sex was the best I had ever had. I developed ONEITIS. I am not going to go into all the detail so I will just give a few highlights:

• Became pregnant. Even her mother said she was trying to catch me (I overheard the fight). Turns out it wasn't mine.
• Cheated on me (multiple times)
• Drained all my money until one day I woke up with a mountain of debt, living in someone's garage

The thing that I am most ashamed of, was that during my time with her I developed a cuckold fantasy. I got turned on by the idea of her with other men, and even tried to talk her into doing it so I could watch. When I realized how fucked up I was I started considering suicide. She told me how she hated me, despised me and that if she didnt love me. God help me, but I stayed through all of that.

I was also diagnosed with Cancer (I am fine today) and my company forced me to go see a shrink (company policy). I do not know why I opened up to her, maybe because it was expected? Anyways, she was the one who told me I was scored high in psychopathy, narcissism, and was a Machiavellian. Fuck her right?

And then last year I finally swallowed the pill. I still see my kids whenever I want (my ex slept with a family members husband, she had sex for money etc. so I have a really big bomb to drop if I need to). She does not keep the kids from me, she does not milk me for money. She cant, not with the stuff I know and can prove (emails etc.).

Anyways. Currently I am in full monk mode. I am working on getting my business back where it should be, paying off my debt and working on my health and appearance (became a fat bastard). I am not dating, but that is by choice. I am fine with being alone right now, I am enjoying it.

Lessons learned

• AWALT
• You are the important one, fix yourself, be a challenge and do not be afraid to challenge social convention
• Cover your own ass
• Do what is right for you

Edit: I am not celibate, when the urge strikes I have a few FWB that can alleviate the 'pressure'