TL;DR - Skinny dude was fucking beta during his 4-year relationship, from 15yo until 19yo. A few months after turning 20, swallowed TRP and went into monk mode because of circumstances. Still insecure about how to proceed on the journey of self-improvement and, specially, plate spinning.

I swallowed the RedPill in early December. It was hard to digest, and I think I’m still a bit plugged in. I did it shortly after making some crucial mistakes with a promising to-be plate, a girl that is in some classes with me. We hooked up at an university field trip and at a club some other day, both occasions the two of us were drunk. She was into me but my text “game” (if I can call it that) was lame, I presented my self as needy and over-available. She quickly lost interest. Whatever.

So, my background.

I just turned 20 a couple months ago. I am 5 foot 9 with an average face (not ugly at all but not stunning either), but I have always been a skinny fuck, with thin arms and small shoulders. At the moment I weigh ~136 pounds, hoping to increase that and stop my ribs from showing haha. I’ve always been a popular, outgoing guy, but I never had much success with women. I had my first gf when I was 14, we lost our virginity with one another (painful, laborious event) and shortly after I’d done the dirty work she left me for some older dude. RP slap to the face, boys. I was crushed. Anyway, after that, when I was 15, I joined a LTR (I was her fist) and we stayed together until halfway last year, yes, 4 years of LTR right in the teens. During the whole of our relationship, I was beta in so many ways, I’ve let guys disrespect and harass us or her without doing anything, I’ve been needy and cried many times, most of the times we fucked I couldn’t make her come, and I couldn’t lead her into getting more kinky in bed. Anyway, after 4 years, both of us then went overseas for 1 year college exchange, and on opposite parts of the world. She went a couple of months before, quickly adapted, made friends, and was happy. I went to a really cool city, but I didn’t make good good friends and didn’t really get along with my housemates. I was really sad for a while, I remember skyping her and telling her how I missed her and how I regretted our decision to have an open relationship while we were apart (wtf). Even as I could sense her indifference and that “I’d rather be doing something else right now” face, I still went out there and bought her a FUCKING BIRTHDAY PRESENT, mailed it to her, expecting I don’t know what. I was being a shameful, textbook beta, opening myself emotionally while she didn’t give a fuck and was probably fucking some other dude. We eventually stopped talking (Broke up). It’s in the past now.

A few months into my exchange, things changed, I made some friends and hooked up with a couple of girls, one is the same from the beginning of the post. After screwing up the possibility of having two nice plates on my table (due to BP/BB behaviour) and discovering TRP, I realised I could make good use of the fact that I have just moved to a VERY remote location to do a summer internship and have decided to enter monk mode. I still wanted to chase girls, but the fact that I’m living 60 kms from the nearest small town makes it kinda hard. Also, I am out of weed (my main vice) with no hook-up. Best thing I can do is eat well, exercise everyday and read as much as I can. Sadly I don’t have access to a gym so I’m sticking to yoga (I have been doing it for a couple of years) and jogging. Cold shower in the morning, exercise. Go to internship, work hard from 8 to 4. Get home, exercise, dinner, sleep early. No weed, no videogames, no bullshit. Leave the comfort zone.

I’m obviously having a hard time. My difficulty is not from sustaining the “self-improvement routine”, but not breaking down to the combination of lack of marijuana, not getting laid, and constantly thinking about my ex and the sex we used to have. I know that when the internship ends and I get back to the big city I need to have my shit together, get a fucking grip and approach as much as I can. I know that eating some good pussy will fix my state of my mind and raise me to a state of happiness and fulfilment, but how do I boost that confidence while I’m still feeling shitty and insecure? I mean, I have potential, if I put on some weight (muscle) and get more tanned, I’ll get a really nice figure, I surf, dive, play a few music instruments, am a smart guy with interesting stuff to talk about, but I feel like my insecurity and social awkwardness always fuck me up around the women I’m interested in, and I don’t know what to do. Obviously get in shape and act more RP, but do you have any more advice more specific than that?

Sorry for the long whiney post guys, also if there are any mistakes, english is not my native language, but I’m not apologising for shit because I know I’m not that bad haha, all the best in 2015 for y’all, and let’s keep this community going!