I had have procrastination problem. Most of my days consisted of YouTube -> mangahere -> mangafox -> reddit -> primewire.ag -> torrent -> Facebook -> Twitter, etc.

Done?

Repeat, refresh the page from the beginning. There would always be new updates. If not, I'd go watch porn. Not because I am horny, but because I am bored and had nothing to do. I was busy doing something to avoid things I'm supposed to be doing.

I realized what I was doing is wrong but I'd always find excuses. My perfectionism was my excuse for procrastination. "The situation is not perfect enough so fuck it. Try again next time."

During my lowest time, I spent days laying on bed, with a thick, large 15" Samsung laptop on top of my stomach. Potato chips crumbs and chocolate-covered almond stain were on my fingers, on the keyboard of sometimes hot laptop (running games), and on top of my bed sheet. Some days I didn't even take a bath and just lay there. My hair was disgusting, suffered a lack of care. Imagine a room filled with the smell of junk food mixed with sweat of someone who didn't bath and only ate junk food. Imagine also it was mixed with strong odor of masturbation sperm + dick that haven't been washed.

Junk food made up at least 90% of my caloric intake - which was far less than the recommended intake for male my weight and height. As a result I am a skinny fat. My dimension - 5'5 150lb were un-extraordinary, but underneath my soiled shirt, I had the bony frame build with sickly roll of fat spilled over my elastic-band waist. My strength was those of a skinny bastard, yet my gut appearance was those of a fat-ass motherfucker. I got the worst of both world.

Most of the time I ignored my hungers, because I was too busy procrastinating. But when I was really really hungry, I'd go to McD -- which was within 1-2 minutes walk, order a Big Mac + Large Fries + Large Coke. Then ate it while I was walking back to my place. I wanted to cook, but then again I was already very very hungry so yeah. One day, my classmate from previous semester -- not an alpha but a decent looking and sociable dude -- saw me walking down the street with Big Mac's sauce on my mouth, burger on my right hand, coke and fries on my left. My odor was strong too, due to unwashed clothes and I hadn't bath. We said Hi and Hello. It was really awkward. Add to that, when we had the same class together, I has been a fairly good and decent bloke. So my image was shattered.

For a man, abject humiliation, contemplating how stupid and disgusting one must look is far worse than physical pain. Since then I become even more secluded. Afraid to go out. When I was a kid I laughed at the idea of a Japanese hikikomori loser. Now I understand the feel.

When I meet with an old mate (those who remember my previous good and decent image) -- especially those who became more successful -- I fought an urge to run, scream and cry. I couldn't hold conversation. I retreated back to my place, away from the feeling of inferiority .

Thus when girls were sexually active in college, I was secluding myself masturbating. When exams were near, instead of studying, I waste time on the net. As a result I failed 3 of my courses. Now I'm an unemployed drop out. Although I went to Ivy League Engineering School now I'm a failure. I had great potential and my parents were so proud of me thus I couldn't tell my parents. I couldn't even tell my close friends in high school.

Falling from high place is one thing, but falling and being watched and laughed at is another different level.

I want to start a new. But now, everyone needs ID. And to get ID you need to go back to your hometown and sort the documents. Is there a way to get ID without your parents knowing?

tl;dr I'm pathetic! A fucking loser! I fucking hate myself. I couldn't get a degree! I can't get a job! 23 years old yet I still haven't fuck! I can't even kiss a girl (tongue) properly! I'm a grown adult and I have nothing to show for it! I just want to fucking die and get off this fucking planet.

So when I saw a post about how some loser become an alpha after seriously planning his suicide, I started to do that too.

But man, I don't know, I think those guys are fake. When you're seriously considering killing yourself, you'd feel a great stress and fear. As of those familiar with procrastination syndrome, it gets worse whenever there is stress involved. You want to run away from the emotional stress. So even though you're planning to die peacefully with everything planned, you may only move a few inches toward the perfect plan when the time comes.

Furthermore the stress increase after you realize that it is not always easy to die. Television industry has convinced general population that the act of death are bloodless, painless and sanitized. Whether by gunshot or through illness, the actor just rolls over and that's the end. People want so much to believe that this is true that they don't question it. You realized that death and dying from books and films are completely sanitized, and certainly, to maintain viewers' interest, the time span has been much abbreviated. Sometimes the accounts are extremely misleading.

There was an account on how a man shot in the head at point-blank range. Even though he was doomed from the instant the bullet entered his head, he could still cry out, "What have you done?" before collapsing into the storm gutter, where his death throes, lasting several minutes, were pitiful to behold. This is not something you are allowed to see on-screen.

Furthermore for every successful suicide attempt, there were seven unsuccessful ones (12% success chance). Since I'm killing myself out of shame, becoming a laughing stock behind my back as person who can't even kill himself properly is a fate worse than death.

So after long research I decided to die on a mountain. I'll hike, find secluded and breezing place, where my body wouldn't be found, then kill myself with helium (which is apparently the least painless technique, or so they say, that used by advocated of assisted suicide in Europe).

But even this plan was killed by my procrastination habit. I put it later and later. I haven't bought helium, I haven't even learn how to hike. I haven't bought various equipment for hiking either. Yet my college fund (which I use to live day by day after drop out) has run out (currently using credit card). At this rate, I'm going to be homeless.

Man, I wish I can rewind time. I wish I knew RedPill when I was still young and growing. But then rewinding time isn't enough. I have to retain my current memories. Is there a way to move one soul to another? It'd be nice if my soul move to a 4 year old kid body. I could restart my life. But then again I don't believe in supernatural thing. I wish they're real. Can it be my Christmas wish?

Man, I can't even die peacefully.

FUCK.

Procrastination is evil.