This post is satirical, poking fun at internet dating and the current dynamic between men and women. This sub can be too serious and critical, sometimes some lighthearted humor is healthy. So sit back, pop the popcorn, and hopefully you’ll get a laugh (or at least a smirk) at the following post.

It’s scientifically proven internet dating has rapidly increased evolution in men. Measurements of male intelligence growth are off the charts. Meanwhile, our conclusions on the evolution of women has been that they’ve either flatlined or in many instances actually devolved. We shall elaborate on this discovery.

Hypothesis as to why we are finding these results: We analyzed data from popular online dating websites including Tinder, OkCupid, and Match, and what we realized was that for men it’s become a bloodbath of the survival of the fittest. These sites have become the equivalent of Battle Royale, where only the wittiest survive. You can see it in their bios: men are continually writing more clever, witty, and intelligent bios in order to attract the opposite sex. In conversations between the man and the woman in these dating apps, the burden of the humor and thought provoking statements lies with the man. The stakes are high and the competition is steep: men only get one shot before she decides to swipe right or left.

This has not been seen in our studies of women. In fact, most women’s profiles are blank, instead relying on eye candy to allure a prospective mate. In this respect the women have in fact outdone the men, designing intricate angles on which to take their photos so that they can fool and trap a prospective mate with a date. Instead of exercising and creating a physically attractive body, these women have resorted to trickery with their photos. I believe this is called “catfishing” in today’s jargon.

Male bodies have not been immune to the rapid pace of evolution brought by online dating. Six packs have gained a new prominence in the dating scene, as we have found the most successful males almost always have a photo of their stomach, usually in the form of hanging out at the beach throwing a football. Once unable to distinguish until both the man and the woman were shirtless in the bedroom, women are now able to preselect based on the availability of six pack visibility.

Our studies have further concluded that online dating has led to indecision in the female mind. Claiming things like the fact they are sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) our findings reveal that these so-called sapiosexuals fall in line with every other woman out there, and are just as influenced by the six pack as any other woman.

Further devolution of the female brain has been found. “No hookups” has become a trending line on women’s profiles. Whether this is true ignorance or just plain stupidity to the fact that putting these two words on a bio does not lead to a lack of hookups is still being analyzed in our labs.

We also conclude that there is a Paradox of Choice going on here: women are inundated with matches and messages from men, leading to an increase in perceived self-value. This has led to detrimental effects on the ego and psyche of the modern woman, making her either make no choice at all or an irrational choice when it comes to selection of a mate. In fact (and this is true and not satirical) whereas on OkCupid there is a standard bell curve for men rating the attractiveness, the majority of men on OkCupid are perceived as below average in attractiveness, leading to the absurdity of a skewed bell curve when it comes to women rating men. In other words, women think an average looking man on OkCupid is in fact below average looking.

There is much to be hopeful as well as fearful for the human race. On the plus side, the evolution of today’s male has reached unprecedented levels of success. Weak men, also known as Nice Guys, are being easily weeded out of natural selection by women on these dating sites. An avalanche of prospects now for the modern man, their competition is no longer relegated to social circles: any man with a profile and relatively close to a prospective woman is a threat to their potential to mate.

For women, we have to unfortunately paint a dismal picture. Men who have zero chance of replicating now have managed to infiltrate and prop up the female ego, in the form of follows, likes, comments, and incessant messaging. This has led to the female ego reaching unhealthy levels, in fact threatening the part of the brain that is responsible for rational decision making.

We continue to paint a sad story for the modern women. Obsession, addiction, and detraction were prevalent in the group of women we studied. Selfies, group photos, and more validation seeking activity has proliferated because of the phenomena of online dating. Surprisingly, we have seen little to none of these behaviors in men.

Our research has also discovered more detrimental effects to women. With access to an overabundance of men willing to provide without the act of procreating (aka sex), the modern woman struggles learning how to provide for herself, instead relying on these so-called “beta men” to provide her with her next meal. We are afraid that this is a short term and unsustainable pattern of behavior for women, as we have shown they rely on their fleeting looks to attract these men to temporarily provide.

A surprising finding of ours is that evolution has not kept up for men in one area of their brain: the part of the brain that realizes that there is an abundance of women out there, that their special snowflake is an illusion caused by a lack of development in that spot of cognitive processing. Emotionally, even potentially physically bullied, men have still to grasp the fact that online dating has led to an abundance of options for them as well.

Conclusion: Evolution and survival of the fittest are at all time high levels. An explosion of choice as well as competition because of online dating has led to rapid evolution of the modern male, while a steady devolution in the modern woman. Here to stay, online dating has permanently transformed the romantic landscape, for better and for worse. We hope that women learn that there is more to life than cataloging it online, and that men realize that abundance is literally at their fingertips.

This study was submitted to Scientific American 13 March 2017 and is pending publication upon further review.