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jrockpunk1
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[–]abdada5 points6 points7 points 10 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
You make a huge error here:
Stop listening to what a woman says and pay attention to her actions.
She is not LTR material.
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Why are her actions bad? Because she goes clubbing? Why is clubbing bad? Because she's seeking validation? Why is validation bad? Thus me making this thread.
And if you say that she's not seeking validation and is instead looking to cheat I'd question how you can know my partner better than me.
[–]abdada5 points6 points7 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A worthy LTR is validated by the value of her man. If she doesn't see this as the best kind of validation, that defines you as a poor leader.
Not LTR worthy.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago* (7 children) | Copy Link
Listen to /u/abdada. Your post is essentially "concern trolling" because the answer is so obvious but you're refusing to acknowledge it.
The UTTER IRONY OF THIS POST is that you're seeking validation for your opinion that seeking validation is an effective way to live. BUT ITS NOT. It's an incredibly ineffective way to live.
You will not find the validation you're seeking from TRP. Yet of course, to not be validated is exactly what you need. So consider this a gift:
Youre wrong.
[–]abdada1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
But but but he knows his partner better than you and I.
She's a special snowflake and isn't like other club going women. She knows when to say no when Chad motions her to meet him in the club bathroom.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ah, but of course. His partner (lolololololol) is one of those special, lovable women that dresses up like a hoe and goes to nightclubs — not for the attention of Chad, but rather for the warm, friendly atmosphere and good conversation.
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
I'm attempting, at least, to be open-minded, so please don't think I'm merely going to seek validation for my opinion and be too stubborn about it. Yes I made this to seek validation for my disagreement but I won't hold on to it stubbornly if I'm proven wrong.
I feel like I should give you a bit of info about my relationship and my girlfriend: We've recently started getting very serious, and she tells me she's looking forward to finishing uni and living together with me. We've also spoken about how it would be good to be married (but neither of us want to marry at this young an age when we don't even have careers etc; I'm turning 20-going-on-21, she's 19). She's someone that I find to be very reliable and rational. For example she finds feminism laughable, and thinks her friend and the way she acts to her boyfriend is slutty and horrible etc. She's not someone to justify slutty behaviour. She does, however, like going out once or twice a week to our campus university's student union with her girlfriends. Whenever I also go with my friends (it's a fairly closed community so a lot of people go) she always ends up coming over to me and dancing with me. Whenever she goes without me she usually messages me fairly frequently on facebook. Whenever I've been there but not with her (it's a big place) I see her dancing in a cirlce with her girlfriends and no guys.
Now in response to what's been said: Yes, my validation should be the best validation for her. She frequently tells me that she doesn't need anyone else to tell her how attractive she is (whenever something relevant in conversation) and that she just needs me. I say the same to her. But why should that mean that you shouldn't ever want ANY validation from anyone else? It boosts my ego when other girls find me attractive (e.g. she tells me her friends find me attractive and I like that), so why should I hold her to separate standards than myself?
Moreover, even if you convince me that seeking validation via clubbing is a bad quality (and like I said I'm not going to be stubborn just for the sake of being stubborn with this), why should that override our love for each-other? Can I not just admit that it's our mutual flaw and that it's worth putting up with because we love each other?
Thanks for the replies, and I really am sorry if I'm coming across as ignorant or narrow-minded.
[edit] And regarding the "helping my life" part, I agree that the correct opinion is one that helps your life the most, but I'm arguing that my life is helped more by accepting her validation-seeking, as I don't find it that difficult to put up with, and if I don't do so I lose out on the woman I love.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Dude your language is incredibly imprecise. What the fuck do you think "love" is? What do you think "self-esteem" is? It's impossible to respond to you until you make these vague concepts specific. These words mean different things to everybody. What do they mean to you?
Here's your own, personal, Red Pill: even though you love her, youre in a toxic relationship. the relationship dynamics that you've described at length (mainly how you "both have self-esteem issues")just aren't healthy. A psychologist would say you two are "Codependent."
If you can't be happy alone, you will never be happy with a partner. It's as simple as that. You guys are holding each other back. I know you love her but you need to let her go so that both of you can grow.
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think love is a strong emotional connection to a person. I don't believe it's some metaphysical airy-fairy thing, I'm fully aware that it's just a chemical reaction in the brain, but I would simply define love as a feeling of emotional connection and care for a person that transcends the usual feelings of having a "crush" on someone. I don't think it can easily be defined, as it's a very subjective experience but I just think you know when you experience it.
As for self-esteem, I consider it somewhat synonymous with self-confidence. Confidence in yourself, in terms of looks, intelligence etc, that culminate in "value" or "worth", i.e. how much you value yourself as a person.
That's what I'd define those as. I don't really think we're that codependent to be honest, but I have worried about it before. The thing is we both try to grow each other as people. Our validation-seeking and low self-esteem isn't caused reciprocally by each other, it's just something that we have and that we work on. My leaving the relationship with her won't make either of us seek validation any less. And as for being alone, I've always been the type to not want to be in a relationship, and this is the first "proper" one I've ever been in (there was one before but we won't speak about that haha). I don't feel like I was any more happy with myself then than I am now, I don't feel like I'm dependent on her or the other way round.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm reading a lot of hamsterring but zero future-oriented thinking.
[–]motivatedcat 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Man, you want proof that what you are thinking is BS?
Google the 12 levels of dread and work it on her. I guarantee you 100% you won't find her at a club after it kicks in. Ideally you should kick her to the curb, but it might be worth experimenting how Male-Female Dynamics work.
You wouldn't have even posted this question if you didn't think something was wrong or off. This is you trying to trick yourself into believing everything is fine. This is some red alert shit.
She is about to branch swing, if she hasn't already. She will begin to pull further and further away while you scramble desperately trying to hold on to her pushing her even faster away. Eventually you will be forced to break up with her because she won't have the guts to do it or in the rare case she does, it will be as cold as ice.
Choosing to end it yourself will be much better for you in the long run or she will end it for you or even fucking worst, you become a cuckold. She is going to start suggesting an open relationship and telling you it's good for both of you and will make you stronger because you understand each other and how you both "love" each other man.
The truth is rough man. Wake up or pay a very high price.
[–]EnterPseudonym 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
She goes out to seek validation. She's pretty much keeping herself on the market, while dating you. If a better man were to come along she would branch swing.
Validation seeking is also an indicator of low self esteem, as the person seeks validation from others instead of finding validation in themselves or their high value partner as said above by abdada. It's also bad for young attractive women, because as soon as they hit the wall and lose all the attention they are getting now they tend to get extremely bitter if they're not married to a good man.
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Why is she necessarily keeping herself on the market though? I seek validation from other women because it raises my self-esteem (I admit to having some self-esteem issues that I'm trying to work on). She also readily admits to having bad self-esteem (she used to have an eating disorder, for example). I think she only seeks validation for self-esteem and not to keep herself on the market. And why is that a bad thing?
Whenever I see people respond with "your girlfriend is doing this for validation, not LTR material" I just wonder why that's the case, why does low self-esteem validation seeking mean not LTR material? I'm in love with this girl and I should leave her because she has low self-esteem?
[–]EnterPseudonym 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Seeking validation is seeking people that are interested in you. Having those people at your doorstep is only a matter of time before the relationship falls apart. There will always be a better man out there than you, and there will always be a better woman out there than the one you have. As Abdada said, you should have a high enough SMV that she gains enough validation from having you at her side. If she has low self esteem even with a man's man as her leader then she has major issues that you're not going to solve.
An LTR should never seek or need attention from other men. It's her low self esteem as well as your relatively equal SMV to her. She want's a man who has a higher SMV than her. I believe it's doomed to fail. What you should do about that is prepare yourself, because she won't be around forever. There is no inherently wrong issue with loving a woman or valuing a woman, except when you start compromising yourself and your values over said woman. Set boundaries for yourself and do not let have control of the boundaries.
Wow. I'm not a psychologist but I just diagnosed you as a Codependent, and it wasn't fuckin difficult.
Dude you're in the right place but you're NOT LISTENING TO WHAT WE'RE SAYING. YOURE NOT PUTTIN YOURSELF FIRST. If I were you I would dump this woman, go into monk mode for 6 months, get my nutrition, hormones, physiology, and mental state in order and under my control, maybe learn a new trade, and ONLY THEN would I even CONSIDER the POSSIBILITY of entering a relationship.
Monk Mode. You need it bad.
If you can't be happy with yourself, you will never be happy in a relationship. You don't know how to be happy either alone OR in a relationship. You need to learn how to be happy in both scenarios. And you need to start with Scenario 1: Solitude.
Find solitude and learn how to be happy alone. Only then will you know peace. Only then will you gain the ability to be in a healthy relationship. Until then, all of your relationships will be as codependent and unhealthy as your current one is right now.
[–]ModMachiavellianRed[M] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
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[–]abdada5 points6 points7 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 1 point2 points3 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]abdada5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]abdada1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]motivatedcat 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]EnterPseudonym 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]jrockpunk1[S] 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]EnterPseudonym 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ModMachiavellianRed[M] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link