I’ve been lurking on this site since I ended it with a NVM Narcissist back in January, it was very hard to end it, but I was proud it only just a few months and I cut him out blocked him and moved on.

But I made the mistake of dating again less than a month afterwards, and I am now so confused. I have been w him nearly 10 months. I was shown so many warning signs he has explained away and though I attempted to let it go, my brain won’t let it go. I’ve realized all of his explanations seem manipulative, possibly akin to covert abuse. He is the quintessential nice guy but sometimes his empathy feels incredibly phony. I know it is a gift that my intuition is speaking, and I’m able to read between the lines. But the gift is lost when I’m too scared to just let him go, and questioning whether or not I’m reading into things bc of the residual trauma of the Narcissist I was with. I don’t want to believe in his potential. Every time he gets sweet and loving I can’t help but see it so transparently as a way to reel me in when he senses I’m not buying his shit anymore. At this point I’m unsure if I’m simply addicted and attached or not. I’m in denial of whether I’ve lost feelings for him. And the loss of feelings is depressing, but I know deep down there is something off.

I have CPTSD, and a history of both emotional psychological and physical abuse. Typical daddy issues. I’m working on my shit, therapy weekly, meditating daily, journaling, challenging my learned self hatred, reparenting myself the way I needed, and working towards my long term goals. But when it comes to dating, I truly suck. I’ve been a pickme forever. I’ve read your handbook several times, take screenshots to remind myself, and bookmark the posts that really resonate. I visit the Reddit daily. Sometimes it empowers me, but sometimes I start to feel grief, knowing I need to be single, for my own mental health.

In this situation, dude says he loves me, says all the right things but none of it adds up. He puts very little energy into truly connecting, and often triggers my old wounds by acting aloof, distant and with his body language, shows he isn’t there. I feel connected with him only when we’re horizontal. Not just sexually (though I feel connected then w him) but before and after when we’re cuddling he’s very affectionate and attentive. Mostly only then though if I’m honest. Or when he knows he’s losing me.

I know rationally it’s not about me, but emotionally I feel so rejected AGAIN. I keep holding on for I don’t even know what, but I know it’s an attempt for him to heal that wound that I’m not enough by finally showing he thinks I am. And in my pickme logic, I stay, bc if I leave, it means I wasn’t enough and I failed. Most of our relationship has been confusing, w/ very little honeymoon period. He may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, maybe not...but I keep trying to believe the sheep clothes he puts on. I am also just confused that maybe I left the narcissist too fast and am doubting things that shouldn’t be doubted. He keeps saying I should give him benefit of the doubt which has me even more questioning bc there’s a difference between imperfection and flat out unloving and uncaring behavior. I’ve done way too much explaining for him, given him way more empathy than he has deserved, and am just tired and worn out. I realize there’s an aspect of me holding on bc I’m afraid to be alone, and only focused on my self growth when I have a less than stellar relationship with myself (though I’m really committed to loving myself). FDS I really dig everything you stand for, and desperately want to be the HVW I know I am. Please don’t shame me, but how can I end it with him civilly? Does he deserve a meet up? I feel sick about this whole thing and am cowardly avoiding what I know I need to do. I need some encouragement, help me level up.