Help. I (32/F) genuinely don't know what to do. Who cooks and who washes up has been an ongoing issue with my boyfriend of 5yrs (33/M). To the point where I most often give up and just do it myself. I have also fallen into the typical pitfall of thanking him when he does! (I know I shouldn't because it reinforces the idea that it was my job to do, but it just comes out!).

We live offgrid so have a somewhat unusual lifestyle. His argument has previously always been that he does loads of stuff that I can't do, these are mostly big, cumbersome and often difficult once in a while or one off tasks. He basically takes care of anything to do with infrastructure. But he doesn't seem to get that cooking and washing up is every single day. And these tasks are not enough to warrant a free pass. Meanwhile, if and when he's doing infrastructure work, I'm busy growing our food.

I don't know if he even realises he's doing it. But he tends to become morose when I start asking him to make dinner or wash up. Unfortunately he on-off suffers with depression which adds an extra layer to the mix. He finds it incredibly difficult to deal with demands on him which he feels are coming at him at all times from all sides eg. (Family members). So then he says he can't deal with his home life also being a place where he can't relax because he has to negotiate who is making dinner etc. And then he may just stay out late drinking because he doesn't want to come home.

When I just take care of it and make no demands on him, he gets very loving and is very sweet to me which makes me feel manipulated. I don't think this is deliberate, I think he honestly does just feel extra loving towards me for more for making him feel safe and taken care of. And I think in his mind it's justified somehow that I do the cooking and washing up because he has "so much else he's responsible for".

When he does cook, he makes a point of getting me to do a share of the work, such as getting the plates and cutlery ready, or clearing the table. Sometimes he leaves it on the stove cooking away while he relaxes, leaving me worrying that it's going to burn or be overcooked and needs checking, or feeling that he just can't really be bothered to put the effort in. If I ask him to wash up, he'll do it in his own sweet time and seemingly begrudgingly. If I challenge him on this he says he's fine with doing it but for me I feel like I've paid a price for asking.

I think he just finds it way too boring and unstimulating to engage with day in day out (as if I don't also wish I had more time for other stuff!) Sometimes I can deal with it, other times I just get so angry and upset but feel like I can't say anything. What on earth do I do? Every conversation I've tried becomes really uptight and tense or turns into a full argument which I'd really rather avoid. Aside from being unpleasant, it doesn't get me anywhere anyway. At best, he'll be more helpful for a couple of days and then it goes back to normal.

I really love him and in every other respect we're great together and I think we can make it for the long haul. But based on my experience so far I don't see anything changing and that scares the s**t out of me.

I've tried just not doing it. But then noone does it and I suffer too. Eventually he will make the point that things have gotten too messy and we have a big clean up together. It doesn't make him twig.

I'm currently contemplating counting how many days straight I cook and wash up for, just silently getting on with it, and then shocking him with how long it's been without him even noticing or offering to do any. It feels quite underhand and may not even work, he might just be annoyed that I didn't talk to him about it first and that I've somehow tricked him, but I don't know what else to do! Talking hasn't yet worked.

I need help! I don't want to grow old feeling this way. Thank you.