...School.

It's almost a complete waste of time and completely drains my energy. Yeah yeah, you're probably thinking "Oh, it's one of those guys." No, but like, while this shit means absolutely nothing to me personally, I do go to a top 5 school in my country, and sure, while I'm an average student (7/10 grades), I'm still doing things, you know.

At home, I'm working on a project that has literally 0% of not succeeding, and yes, I actually mean that, 0% (If you are skeptical and want to know more, than I'll answer in a PM). release it in the upcoming 2-3 months, depending on when I'll release it on the market.

Now, the reason why I mentioned school - well, to put it simply, it drains my energy. It really does. Thankfully, it's my senior year and I've only 2 months left, already passed 2 exams and 2 exams are still ahead of me. Due to the assignments, and just generally spending 8+ hours there every single day, I don't exactly have time to devote that to something more useful, for example, additional time for my project, learning extra math for my math exam (I really want to get this exam right, because that would mean I have a solid plan B in case my project dies for some unexpected reasons or whatever). School is just such a killer, because I literally see no point of it. I learn subjects that I'm interested a lot better at home than in school, so even for the subjects that I do like school seems like an outdated system.

The reason why I'm confused is... Should I feel guilty right now for not going to the gym (I used to and I'm one of the biggest guys in my school rn), for feeling drained? for not having the discipline/focus to always do everything that I've planned to do?

I mean, how the fuck can I get disciplined/focused about things that I give literally 0 shits about and see no value in them, and how can I get disciplined/focused about the things I do care about if I'm feeling emotionally and physically drained from just having to spend 8 hours in a place that I hate and that I'll need to attend tommorow, the day after and then some more, as well as doing shit for it in the evening if I have to get good grades to keep the system happy?

I hate that I have to make this post in the first place, because I feel like I'm putting myself in a victim position, but that's not why I made it. It's just that I've tried and tried again to learn discipline/focus, "ignore" what's bothering me and to "not give a fuck" and stop being a "pussy" and "just do it" like someone from TRP would probably tell me, but in reality, I can't ignore this, I've tried multiple times, and rest assured I'll keep on trying, but the bottom line is - I'm conflicted, and I can't step aside what I'm feeling. I I wouldn't be making this post if this was my first time trying to deal with this, I've made huge progress in my life the last 3 years, but I'm still not where I want to be regarding work ethic, lazyness, focus, discipline and so on, probably due to the reasons I mentioned above as well. (Not to mention that I'm addicted to video games and procrastination which kinda doesn't help with attention span when you've been gaming professionally since the age of 14 and spending 7+ hours a day on your computer since the age of 11... went a bit off topic-there, I guess, but might give you a clearer picture of me). Hell, I even managed to discipline myself last summer. I went to the gym 6 times a week for 3 months straight, I was feeling like never before, super high in spirits, always smiling, always doing some shit on the side at home etc...school started? bam, slowly over 2-3 months got back to some of my old habits and my general feeling of "this sucks, why can't I focus/be disciplined now".

Yeah...I don't know, I'm just confused if how I'm feeling right now is normal. I do want to get back into the gym game, but probably in the summer. I just feel shitty that I can't get my discipline/focus in tact, that I haven't really found a way to "tame" myself to be hard-working etc, and I'm wondering if I'm just making excuses...or is this a normal thing I am feeling at this point in my life, based on my mentality regarding my upcoming prospects and the situation that I am in right now.

P.S I'm tired as hell, some of it may be gibberish.