This isn't easy to explain at all, so I'll just spew some shit and hope it makes sense.

Been suffering with drug-induced OCD and anxiety for the past 2 and a half years now. Depression set in mid-way when I just gave up fighting it all. Pushed a lot of friends away, or should I say avoided literally everyone and isolated myself. Stopped being physically active, lost my sex drive, lost a lot of confidence and my personality turned to dog shit as I became more, and more bitter about the way life was panning out.

I accepted the responsibility for that, but all that happened was that I ended up despising myself, rather than making rational decisions that might have prevented this getting worse. Difficult to do though when 90% of your day, every day is taken up by "what if" doubts and catastrophic thoughts. I thought I was going crazy.

Now, obviously my SMV took a fucking gigantic hit because of all of this. I lost interest in sex, even stopped jerking the chain, none of which had ever happened before in my life. This was all news to me, and it was devestating. You might say, "well bro, that's perfect because you can now focus on your path undistracted". Yeah, great... That's no fun.

Anyway, the point of this is, I'm feeling like I'm finally starting to emerge out of this depression now, and the intrusive thoughts and shit are finally starting to dissipate. I'm noticing people I never considered as high SMV people suddenly seem like they are. I don't know if this is because mine has dropped so much, or if they've worked on themselves. But I never used to care. Now it seems like everyone around me hasn't got time for me, and my self esteem is rock bottom. My ego says I can still come back from this, but realistically, I'm so far behind I don't even know. If anyone took the time to read this, can you see a solution? I don't want to be a needy fuck who's chasing everyone's validation because I've spent so much time alone. That's not me.