Right now I'm in suicide purgatory. I want to go through with it and end it. I have everything planned out, when, how, not Fucking up anyone close by finding me dead, but there's this weird feeling. I only get happiness thinking that I could be dead and free of the pain, but... I feel like this is not my time. I don't know what, but there is something saying "nope, that's not it, dude. Killing yourself is not it, sorry."

I know what I have to do to rebuild my life. Gym, work, solid frame and not being outcome dependent (not with women, but life, money, business). I don't have a reason why though.

"if you have a why, you can endure the how"... My brain is like.. OK, you hit the gym, you work on your trade, you do this this that and stick to it until it works, but to everything I get the question "yeah, so?". You get ripped, so what? You make business blow up, so what? You spin plates, so what? Why should I do all this? What do you exactly achieve?

P. S. : I need the non "because of puppies, love, etc" answer, but I would appreciate it if you aren't too harsh. I can deal if needed, but it takes a toll on me to process it.