Having had a particularly tough childhood where I was excluded most of the time, my primary drive in life was to "fit in". Being on the autism spectrum, I never got validated by anybody, and I think it hard-wired my brain to seek it so much. I remember when I was a metalhead in my teens, I got good at the guitar to show others how good I am. When I discovered TRP, I got muscular to show others my muscles. And whenever I achieved my goal, I would stop progressing as my drive for validation in that particular thing was gone by then.

Now, what I want the most is to get validated by girls. I want to get my low n-count up as a validation that I am good enough - that girls want me. But whenever I approach a girl, I come off as needy as they can sense it all comes from a place of validation-seeking and not from desire.

I've always been rejected by most people and some rejections could even give me PTSD-like symptoms. That's why I always have to play it so safe, which comes off as needy and insecure, and it makes people uncomfortable. I have to be really drunk to risk getting rejected. And then I would often subconsciously "ask" to get rejected by acting in a goofy way, which I can then use as an excuse for getting rejected. Getting rejected when I actually expected not to be, hurts like hell and can stay as a trauma, often for years.

It is possible to let go of my validation-seeking behaviour. But then I have nothing to say and would rather stay in my own space. It's not only girls that get repulsed by me, it's also guys that I want to befriend, who get uncomfortable by me.

I'd really want to know how I can shift the source of my drive for interacting with people from looking for validation from them to actually desiring them.