I am afraid of everything I do. I''d do something courageous then instantly regret what I have done and I instantly start thinking of the negative consequences and imagining how bad it can go it even though 98% percent of time literally nothing happens. I live in a constant state of fear. I am always trying to lose myself in something so I stop thinking be it video games woman and more risky stuff ( its like a vicious cycle). I always had confidence issues. Probably worser than my peers yet I can display high levels of confidence at times but internally in the long run other than short spurts my confidence always wears off eventually and I always feel shit and behave like a wimp. I constantly say to myself that I want to kill myself and I feel pathetic about myself for just saying it to myself (isnt that kind of like a oxymoron or something ? lol) . I don't know what I can do... I've watched several youtube videos and seen many articles on how to become confident but nothing ever worked. Even If I get a girl or someone I still feel shit because I feel that I'm not worth for them... and I constantly go searching for new woman to prove to get validation for myself but as soon as they become attracted to me I get unattracted to them and push them away. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't focus on my goals because I am always so worried and my brain bandwidth is so low. I suppose I kinda sound like the "average woman" from the red pill narrative but I'm a man. maybe my testosterone is low something?

I don't know what to do. I need some advice to fix myself.