I guess I have still failed to internalize this lesson.

I had smokin' HB8 naked in my bed last night, who had come into my life by way of an unsolicited tit shot sext and had been telling me how cool she thought I was, how she wanted more of me, etc.

But as we lay there spooning, naked, I get the LMR routine. I'm tired, it was a long day. I drank last night. I'm tired from our date. I want to have energy when we have sex. Blah blah blah.

I play it off, and try to escalate a little later, but meet more firm LMR. There is a point where she stops me and takes my hand off her throat.

Ok, I think to myself. I can wait until a second date, but after that it's hard next material. But here is where I colossally fuck up.

She initiates nothing while in bed. I'm doing it all, trying to turn her on, trying to escalate. When I fail I play it off like I don't care, but continue to be present and allow her to stay. I even initiate cuddling. She initiates NOTHING. Let's me cuddle her or whatever, but other than that does very little. Her body felt so good I could barely help myself, but now I know how badly I fucked up.

Should have put my clothes on, asked her to leave, asked her why she was even here, etc. Was too busy being "nice" and trying to give her "time".

How fucked am I? She's got some shit to pick up from my house, so she is going to call me or something and come back over. I'm angry enough at myself and the situation to just fold. I didn't let her see any of that emotion, but she saw more than enough beta-cuddling behavior to be switched off anyways.

Pretty sure my only approach from here is a soft next. And if she comes over again but refuses to fuck, hard next, and definitely no goddamn motherfucking beta bullshit cuddling before she earns it. FUCK.

Edit:

"I never feel shame for being kind and generous, even when people mistake it for weakness. What I blame myself for is not knowing who those people are until it's too late."